


Feeling Whole

by RedIrisRose



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dark, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Drugs, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Love, Love Triangles, M/M, Self-Harm, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2013-08-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 22:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 51,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/816906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedIrisRose/pseuds/RedIrisRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry writes down dates that he things he should remember like the first time he met Zayn and Louis. The first time Zayn met Liam was a pretty important day to considering that Zayn's world now revolved around Liam. Zayn vowed that he would have Liam even if there was a cute Irish lad with the same intentions or the day Louis left. He wrote down the days when they came all came close to knowing his secret and the day his life changed because of it.<br/>He had a dirty little secret that he kept buried just beneath the surface of the skin he constantly cut into just to feel something other the empty void of nothingness that was his life. Little did he know his friends were keeping secrets too. Louis has been falling to a dark abyss ever since he left for collage but it a tree fall in a forest with no one to hear it, will it still make a sound? Zayn and Niall who's constant funding over Liam could lead to more than just friendly rivalry they could fall into the same abyss themselves. Even Liam had his secrets.<br/>The only difference was that they might not be around to save Harry when he needs it.<br/>In the end they are all looking for one thing.<br/>To feel whole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Life leaking out on the white floor blossoming like roses in the snow  
> \- Shane Koyczan

When most people describe dying they talk about flashes of blinding white light, or god. Some people describe pain and others describe beauty but as Harry was bleeding out on his bathroom floor, watching the red liquid trickle down his wrists and onto the pale white tiles spreading like ink on white cloths. Many different things began to rush through his mind. The first was something along the lines of,  
‘Shit, mum is really going to kill me when she sees the tiles’  
The second was the realization that she probably wouldn’t get the chance to.  
The third thing he thinks of the people he will miss. Louis is the first that comes to mind. It shouldn’t be but it is. The image of the blue eyes boy burns itself into Harry’s brain as if to say,  
‘Look at him this is what you will never have.’  
It wasn’t the Louis he was used to seeing lately either it was the Louis he loved most. This was the one who really loved life a smiled at simple things like kicking a goal in football or when The Fray came on the radio. Harry thought of Zayn next all the nights then had spent huddle together in the stupid art room closet with his wall of drawings and his growing amount of burses, which he had acquired not only from boxing, and his stories of how Liam kept getting hotter everyday. Then Liam and his stupid obsession with boxing and singing at the top of his lungs in the gym shower or how he was two stupid to realize how almost everyone he knew instantly fell in love with him and Niall. Niall would always grudgingly share his food with Harry as they watched the boxing club practice every other day and who could drink like getting drunk was impossible.  
His last thoughts were when his life came full swing. It was almost like those stories of people who have come back from near death experiences and they describe how their life flashes before their eyes. It was like that with Harry. His mind was frantically trying to pinpoint the exact moment his life had taken a turn for the tragic. When was the exact moment had he become destined to die on the cold white tiles of a bathroom at the ripe old age of seventeen? Harry thought back to the moment when his life changed, he wondered if he would have changed anything if he could. Even now when death was breathing down on his neck it’s breath hot and supple with any possibility of hope was disappearing into the quickly appearing darkness he wasn’t sure if he would change a thing. To understand how he had gotten here first you have to understand where he has come from.


	2. How it began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is how they all met. It was how Harry started living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Remember tonight... for it is the beginning of always”  
> -Dante alighier

**February 29 th**

**Several months earlier**

It was days like this where Harry wondered what it would be like to not make it to the next. Today was a bad day. It was the second bad day in a row and the forth of the week. It was a Friday if that say anything about the week he was having. Harry was questioning how many bad days he would endure before the next good one reared its golden head. It was days like today were Harry found himself carving marks into his skin and watching blood rise like scarlet paint spreading across a blank canvas. He would reach for the razor under the sink in his bathroom and sweep it slowly across any exposed skin being sure not to draw to much attention to his secret scars that covered large portions of his body. This could repeat several more times over until he felt good enough to stop either that or Harry knew he went to far. It didn’t happen often but it did happen sometimes.

Harry wasn’t sure when this habit started but ever since his dad had shown up on the family door set asking for a part in their lives after fourteen years of disappearing off the radar he had decided to show up the day before Harry’s sixteenth birthday. His mother had screamed at him and hadn’t stopped since, Gemma- his sister had locked herself in her room and insisted she wouldn’t come out until he,

‘Got the hell out of their house and crawled back into the hole he had slither out from’.

Gemma had a way with words. Harry had just said nothing. He had called Michel, one of his friends from school and asked to stay there for a few days but he felt like he was putting a strain on their friendship by staying with him.

Despite his inner demons Harry kept them hidden under a coat of fake smiles and laughs. His friends were starting to notice that something was up with him that was only a step before discovering what Harry really did to himself.

He was supposed to be heading to school his feet slowly pounding against the ground. He head was screaming at him to go anywhere but school somehow he ended up stopping about three blocks away. His sights were set on a shortcut through the park but ended up resting his backpack down underneath the swaying pink leaves of a cherry tree. He lay down and giving up any hope of making it to school that day. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He wasn’t one to skip school but something was urging him to stay, today this is where he needed to be. So he rested his head against the roots of the tree and popped in head ear buds playing his Stevie Wonders songs on shuffle letting his eyes drift shut.

Harry stayed like this in the state of waking and sleeping. Awareness and isolation he was locking himself out of the world for a few hours because when he came back he would have to deal with then never ending masquerade of yes and no, stop and go. I’m fine verse I’m dying inside.

He was snapped back to earth by the sound of heavy boots crunching leaves. Harry opened his eyes and sat up straight his eyes widening as he looked up to see a slightly pissed off looking boy gazing down at him. The boy had olive skin splattered with tattoo ink and dark brown hair pushed up and sleeked back. His long fingers gripping a pack of cigarettes his head tilting to one side as he looked over at Harry.

“I haven’t seen you here before kid” He says simply plopping down beside Harry.

“Yeah well I didn’t really want to be anywhere today so somehow I ended up here” Zayn smirks at Harry’s response and pulled out a smoke from the pack.

“Well you are in my spot which means it’s your lucky day”

He pulls out a lighter and lights the smoke taking a long drag and puffing out dark gray smoke. Harry his pulls the ear buds out and glances at the other boy. He doesn’t look much older than Harry and seems like he should also be in school though Harry doesn’t bother to mention it because then he would have to explain why he wasn’t at school.

“Is that so?” Harry asks.

“Yeah of all the places you could have chosen to wallow in sorry you have chosen mine. I am the best person you could have possibly meet on a horrible day.”

“You think very highly of yourself don’t you?” The boy smiled.

“Obviously you have never met me, Zayn Malik. I am offended you haven’t heard of me Harry Styles” Harry furrows his brow trying to work out where he must have met Zayn before, he knew his name so obviously they must have met each other somewhere.

“How do you know my name?”

 “We go to the same school you self-indulged douche. I’m a year ahead of you I’ve seen you at that table full of musical students and writers in the school magazine. You really need new friends I mean seriously they look like Glee rejects.”

Harry laughs, he actually laughs. Loud and hard clutching the ground in stitched because it was true. He had never really looked at his friends from an outside point of view but when he though about it they really were as Zayn so quaintly put it ‘glee rejects’.

“So whom do you hang out with Mr. High and mighty?” Harry didn’t normally joke like this with his friends but he had to admit he was having fun.

“No one in that hole is my type, though Lou makes things bearable.”

By Lou he must have meant Louis, Louis Tomlinson. Everyone in the school knew Louis Tomlinson some people loved him other hated him but everyone secretly wanted to be like him. He was the captain of the football team (football, football not rugby those guys were surprisingly low on the food chain) and threw the best parties or so Harry was told considering he had never actually been to one of Louis parties.

“I never thought someone like you would hang out with someone like Louis Tomlinson”

“Someone like me? Don’t act like you know my Styles you are going to have to hang around a little longer for that.”

“Is Zayn Malik _actually_ asking me to hang out with him?”

“Don’t read into it kid it is either that or I relocate my spot and I like this spot.”

“Of course” Harry chuckled leaning down against the trunk of the tree.

He and Zayn sat there for a large portion of the day just talking, listening to music and smoking- well Zayn smoked anyway Harry didn’t really see the appeal. Zayn was in the middle of a somewhat pointless rant of what the idea of love was and how society had twisted it from something ‘beautiful’ to something ‘commercial and hollow’. Those were Zayn’s words anyway. The guy was surprisingly deep and talked about a lot of thought provoking topics. Mostly Harry just made noise of agreement or nodded. He liked Zayn. He was a little strange but Harry like that. On the outside he looked like your typical bad boy who had as much personality as a cardboard cut out but that wasn’t Zayn at all.

“You know this Irish guy in my advanced English said that ‘love is with the heart, not the eyes’. That is what it’s supposed to be like. You are supposed to fall in love with someone because there is something between you, not because they are attractive-”

Zayn was interrupted by snickering from somewhere behind him. Both Zayn and Harry sat up straight peering around to see none other that Louis Tomlinson. Leaning casually against the cherry blossom wearing his trademark red jeans and stripped shirt. His hair swooped simply to one side a cheeky grin plastered on his face.

“Complaining to strangers again Zayn? You really have to get more friends just because I can’t be there twenty four seven doesn’t mean you have the right to complain to anyone who is willing to listen” Louis cocked his head to the side catching Harry’s eyes and smiling warmly.

“Sorry about him. His girlfriend dumped him he is just a little pissed but that’s what you get when you date a pretentious blonde cheerleader.”

“Perrie wasn’t a cheerleader!”

Zayn protests and Louis let out another laugh collapsing down next to Harry.

“She might as well have been. You get my point though. The two of you were doomed to end, just get over it already can’t you just find a new obsession? In fact I have the perfect idea! Join the boxing team!”

Zayn scoffed as Louis reached over and pulled a cigarette out of Zayn’s pack and lights it up coughing as he inhaled.

“I thought you didn’t smoke” Zayn whispered hesitatively giving Louis a strange look Harry couldn’t decipher. Louis coughed again and snuffed out the smoke furrowing his brow.

“I don’t I figure it is a good time to start.”

“Why do you want me to join the boxing team?”

“I never said I wanted you to. I just thought it was a good idea”

“You never just suggest things Lou, you always have an ulterior motive”

Louis let out a sigh and lay himself out flat in the grass running his hands threw strands of brown hair sleeked and styled, a little less obviously than Zayn’s.  Harry felt like a bit of an outsider sitting there and listening in to the boys’ conversation. He felt as if he were intruding on something but wasn’t sure if he should stay of leave.

“Coach has been breathing down my neck about how they always need more of the boxing team but seriously between football and drama I barley have time to breath let alone join the fucking boxing team”

“But the coach doesn’t know you are doing drama, does he Lou?” Zayn had a strangely teasing tone in his voice.

“Why not?” Harry asks curiously.

Both boys turn to him. Zayn smiles evilly and Louis goes slightly pale. He seemed to have totally forgotten Harry’s presence because his mouth automatically slams shut.

“Because Louis doesn’t want anyone to know he does drama. He thinks they will question his masculinity when they see him prancing around in tights on stage and make fun of him. So he lies and says he does wood tec.”

“Shut up Zayn” Louis insists smacking him in the side.

“Oh and did I mention Louis doesn’t know the first thing about building anything he is hopeless and the worst liar-”

“I said shut up Zayn!”

Louis begins to blush and Harry almost feels like laughing. He doesn’t see what is so embarrassing about doing drama half his friends did drama. Then again half his friends didn’t have the Louis Tomlinson reputation. Doing drama lessons did seem a little out of place.

“I take wood. I could explain the basics if you want.” Louis jaw drops and he sits up straight scooting a little closer to Harry.

“I knew this kid would be good for something”

Zayn raises and eyebrow at Louis sudden eagerness and puckers his lips. An idea seems to be ticking over in his head. It has to be something very amusement because he can’t seem to stop smiling.

“Well Louis if he is our friend we can talk all about how tight were the tights you wore in the school musical. Don’t think I forgot.”

Louis jaw dropped again and this time he backhanded Zayn hard or attempted to. Zayn’s hands shot out to defend his face, twisting Louis arm a little.

“That is exactly why you should join boxing Zayn. That and there are very hot guys who get very sweaty and sexy in practice”

It is Zayn’s turn to hit Louis. He slams his fits into the boy’s stomach, it is playfully but it still looks like it would have winded him but that didn’t seem to faze Louis much. He curled into a ball clutching his stomach laughing loudly.

“You said we were friends with him I though he should know what he was getting into, I don’t want you hitting on him Zayn considering you ‘play for both teams’ and all” Louis even did air quotes as he said it barley able to contain his laughter and Zayn continually shot him death glares.

“By the way what’s your name curly?” He gave a little smile.

“Harry”

“Well it’s nice to meet you Harry, I had better go to training before coach throttles me but I will be seeing you around okay Harold? We are bonded for life now, you know to much”

Louis gave a little wink and stood turning on his heels and heading the opposite direction Zayn just shook his head over his shoulder Louis yelled one last partying goodbye to Zayn,

“Oh and see you soon too jack arse and when I do you better be a certified member of the boxing team, or whatever shit they give you once you join”

“Keep dreaming Tommo!” Zayn shot back and Harry swore he saw Louis flip him off which made even Harry laugh.

Skipping school might have been the best thing Harry had done in a long time. He actually felt happy to be with Zayn and Louis, it was strange but being with them had made him forget about how shit his life was at the moment. He forgot trying to smile and started actually doing it naturally and laughing. That was something Harry hadn’t done in a very long time. His hands hadn’t throbbed for the comfort of a razor he hadn’t even thought of it and that felt good.

Zayn had gone back to resting against the tree trunk a smile smeared across his face. He was off in his own world again. That seemed to be something Zayn did a lot, even when he was there sometimes he seemed a thousand miles away.

“What are you thinking?” Harry asked out of curiosity.

Zayn’s eyes came back into focus and he turned to look at Harry tilting his head to the side as if he were trying to work the boy out.

“I was wondering when the boxing team practices” Harry smiled.

“I thought you told Louis you weren’t going to do it”

“I did but only to freak him out. He may be a pain but somehow he is my best friend and I would actually do anything for him… just don’t tell him that okay?” Harry nodded.

“I heard they practice before the football team,” Harry adds and Zayn suddenly stands.

“Where are you going?”

“I am going to scope out these supposedly hot guys on the boxing team.”

Zayn turned and kept walking Harry thought that it would be their goodbye. They had a good day but maybe that was all it was to Zayn, just another day.

“Are you coming Styles or do you have somewhere better to be?” Zayn threw over his shoulder.

So maybe it wasn’t just another day to Zayn either.

“No, I have nowhere to be. Just promise me you won’t make me sit and watch you ogle over the way ‘sweat drips of hot guys toned abs’. I think I would rather bang my head against a wall for the next hour” Harry had to jog to catch up to Zayn.

“No promise there Haz and don’t knock it until you try it, trust me Louis enjoys it way more that he admits to.”

“I don’t doubt that”

The two spent the rest of the walk in silence and Harry couldn’t help but feel like he like Zayn more and more every time he opened his mouth (which would normally be for a snide comment, a smart remark or to quote some blonde guy who seriously sounded like a philosopher in the making). They both seemed to compliment each other, neither said very much for a lot of the time but when they did they would make it count. Maybe this was only a fleeting premonition but Harry felt as if this might be the start of something, different.

***

It was almost funny to see the way Zayn’s eyes widened when they entered the gym. His eyes instantly began scanning the scene as if he were in a club instead of a gym. Harry leaned in to Zayn and smiled at him murmuring quietly,

“See anything you like?” Zayn shot Harry back a glare.

“You’re as bad as Louis you know? There is the blond guy from English”

“The one sitting on his arse and watching everyone else work out? You two might have something in common Zayn. Do you have a crush on him or something?”

Harry glanced over to the far corner of the room where a blond boy sat laughing loudly chomping down on a crisps packet and conversing with another boy on the punching bag with brown hair pushed to one side curling at the ends and slightly faded highlights.

“Him? Oh hell no!” Zayn spat out laughing slightly.

“Though his friend doesn’t look to bad”

“I am suddenly feeling very uncomfortable” Harry whispers as Zayn continues in the direction of the two boys.

“I never forced you to come loner boy”

Harry was about to tell Zayn to shut up when the two boys realized that Zayn was approaching them. The one Zayn thought was hot stood back from the boxing bag and tilted his head to the side wiping sweat from his brow. Harry thought the boy looked a lot like a puppy and wondered how a guy like Zayn would go for someone who looks so pure and innocent like this boy. The other boy simply looks up from the hard wood floor and falls silent. After only being with Zayn a day Harry had forgotten how utterly intimidating he looked from a far.

“Hi, can I help you with anything?” Puppy boy asks with a smile.

“I just heard that you could use more boxers and I was thinking of joining” Zayn flashes a smile at the boy and his eyes linger on his sweat stained tee shirt for a fraction to long. If you didn’t know what to look for you probably wouldn’t have noticed but Harry could tell Zayn was flirting.

“That great! We could always use more people on the team coach has been really cracking down on us to win”

“Not that you need it hey Liam? You win every time. The coach can’t stop bragging about how Liam Payne is on his team,” The blond boy adds standing beside his friend.

“I really don’t” The boy, Liam looks down at his feet suddenly getting self-conscious.

“Well it looks like you could teach me a thing or two Liam” The quirky eyebrow raise had confirmed it Zayn was definitely flirting.

“Uh, yeah sure… anytime” Liam ran his hands threw his hair and whipped more beads of sweat from his brow.

“Well, I guess I will be seeing you around Liam and…” Zayn glanced over at the blond one.

“Niall Horan” He filled in.

“Zayn, this is Harry. We will be seeing you both soon.” Zayn went as far as to wink before grabbing Harry’s arm and dragging him behind him.

 

It was only when they were outside the gym that Zayn let go of Harry’s hand and let out a sigh. It was getting dark and the only light was given off from dim streetlights and faded glow from Zayn’s lighter.

“Did anyone tell you that you are an obvious flirt” Zayn scowls.

“I am regretting talking to you in the first place”

“Like you said, you’re kind of stuck with me now.”

Zayn laughed and pulled out another cigarette then glanced down at his phone and yawned.

“Look curly I had better be heading home. I will see you at school because despite you being a pain in the arse I think you just might be my pain in the arse.”

“That’s until you get Liam, you want him to be _the_ pain in your arse” Zayn chuckled slightly looking down at the ground.

“Goodbye Harry.”

“Bye Zayn.”

As Zayn walked into the distance Harry felt this strange feeling that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Harry was happy, truly happy and even though he would walk the same dark streets alone as he would most day it was obvious something had changed. Harry would go back to his house, his parents would still be screaming at each other, Gemma would still be hauled up in her room and Harry would be left scraping together dinner from forgotten microwave meals at the back of the refrigerator. He would sit up late alone as listen to his music like every other night but something just felt different.

 

Looking back on everything if Harry could pinpoint the moment that changed his life forever, that would have been it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the first chapter it is pretty much the introduction to the real story. I hope you like it please tell me what you think so far because I love feedback. There will be some Larry and Ziam+ Niam in the next few chapter so that is something to look forward to.


	3. Life is a Roller-coaster You are My Paper Aeroplane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has gone away to collage but things don't have to change do they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons- Donald Miller

**August 19 th**

From then on things changed. Months passed like sand through an hourglass. It was funny how quickly things began to change. Harry sat with Zayn everyday at a small table just outside the dining hall. Zayn’s life now consisted of boxing and trying to get into Liam pants. It had been a year and he was still working on it. Sometimes Harry stayed afterschool for boxing practice just to watch Zayn and Niall flirt with Liam. It turns out Niall has been trying the same thing for years. Liam was totally oblivious and it was a pretty fun show to watch. As for Louis he had hung out with them most days though not at school very often considering his ‘reputation’. Harry really hated how much Louis cared about what other people thought of him but there wasn’t anything Harry could do to change it. Most days Harry would migrate from boxing to football practice. Louis was the best player on the team by for and he seemed to genuinely enjoy Harry being there. Harry spent almost every day with Louis they were joined at the hip even more than he and Zayn were. Then Louis left and things began to change again. It was a slow progress.

Louis graduated. He and Harry spent pretty much the whole holiday together. This partly because Harry’s parents finally decided to live apart and his dad decided that Harry should spend this extra time with him at his new flat with his girlfriend. Harry wasn’t aloud to refuse so instead he spent everyday with Louis.

Louis had five sisters who somehow managed to keep to themselves most of the time, a mother who always smiled when Harry showed up on their front step and his step father- Mark. Who would normally talk about football to Harry and Harry had went home after first meeting Mark and searched up everything to do with Manchester United because that seemed to be the only thing he ever wanted to talk about. Then there was Louis who talked about anything and everything. When he was with Harry he was different to when he was with the football team, he was even different than to when he was with Zayn. He let his guard down when they were together, so did Harry. He told Louis almost everything. The only thing he hid was his secret the dirty secret that he was still s ashamed of he hid it just below the surface still not even admitting to himself that after everything he still wasn’t better. Even though it was less frequent he still found comfort in self-harm and that wasn’t something he ever wanted to tell Louis though once he almost came close to letting his secret slip.

**August 30th**

They were both lying down on Louis bed listening to The Fray. It seemed to be the only albums Louis owned. Louis was sipping tea and humming along to the lyrics when Harry turned to him and asked,

“What am I going to do when you leave Lou?”

A sad smile toyed at Louis lips for a fraction of a second but was quickly replaced by the flash of another this on was bright and happy, it was also fake.

“You are going to have to find something else to do with your afternoons other than sitting on the bleacher watching me play football or lingering in the auditorium to watch my drama performances, maybe actually try out for a team.”

“I am horrible at football Lou and you know it. Plus I don’t really like it that much anyway I just like to watch you play. Well that and it is always an excuse get away from my dad”

“Why do you hate him so much? Your dad I mean.” Harry sighed and fiddled with the bands around his wrist making sure they covered the scares that lined his pale flesh.

“He left my mum when Gemma and I were really young, he didn’t say anything to my mum he just left. They never even had a proper divorce he just shows up one day with a girlfriend and a load of cash he want to give us to make up for missing out on my life, like that is going to make up for anything”

Louis sets his cup down on the bench and glanced back at Harry that same sad look filling his eyes.

“At least your dad came back”

Louis jumps off of his bed and crosses the room to his cupboard where Harry can’t help but notice seems to be filled with more suitcases than cloths. He reached in and pulled something out spinning it in his fingertips and then handing it to Harry. At first he wasn’t sure what it was but then he realized on the end of a small silver change was a small paper airplane charm.

“I wanted to give you a present since we probably won’t get to see each other much once I go to university and I wanted a reminder. I saw it and it reminded me how on graduation you threw a paper airplane on stage at hit the announcer.” Harry smiled down at it.

“Then he read it out in front of the entire graduating class.” Harry continues.

“Good luck Lou?’ Who wrote this? Tomlinson you are lucky you can’t get a detention after graduation. You are making a mockery of the entire school!” Louis put on his best posh, authority figure voice. The both laugh loudly then Harry sighs,

“I am supposed to be the one giving you graduation gifts”

He managed to unclasp the necklace just before Louis took it from his hands and ordered Harry to turn around so he could put it on. Harry was about to argue but knew Louis wouldn’t take no for an answer he slowly tugged down the hem of Harry collar his fingers brushing against pale skin. Harry stiffened a little. Louis’s breath was hot on his neck pulling down the hem of his shirt a little more and then Harry’s breath hitched. He quickly shook Louis off somehow Louis had still managed to clasp the necklace on.

“You have cold hands,” Harry said simply hoping Louis didn’t see his scars.

Louis was silent for a minute his blue eyes wide searching Harry’s face for something only Louis knew. He smile but there seemed something strained about it.

“Yeah well you had better get me the best graduation present when you graduate, it will be our weird tradition.”

“Our weird tradition?” Harry echoed and Louis just smiled slightly more relaxed.

“Yeah, because I am not going to let you get all sad on me today. We still have a few days before I go and I promise we will talk everyday anyway. Nothing is going to change.”

Louis hadn’t meant to lie because at the time he had probably thought it was true but it wasn’t after that day everything began to change.

**September 2 nd**

Louis left and at first everything almost seemed normal. He and Zayn would sit together like every other day. Then he would go with him to boxing practice and scribble in his notebook attempting to do his last ditch effort at homework. Even Zayn playfully flirting with Liam didn’t seem to have the same affect. Zayn and Liam were taking turns at hitting the punching bag in the a few feet away when Harry overheard their conversation.

“So Liam, do you planning to do this for the rest of your life?” Zayn asks slamming his fist against the punching bag.

“I supposed that’s the plan” Liam staggers back a little under the weight of Zayn’s punches.

“You make it sound like you want something more.” Zayn replies swapping positions with Liam. Harry can’t help but wonder where Niall is, considering that he never misses boxing practice but today the young Irish lad was nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t get me wrong I just wish there was something more to life. Ever since I was young my parents have drilled into me that once school is over you go to uni then get a job, get married, have kids and that’s your life”

Liam took a swing at the punching back making Zayn shudder under the weight of the movement.

“So you don’t want that?” Zayn raised an eyebrow.

“There has to be more to it than that. I mean it just seems so… meaningless”

“There is more than you believe” Zayn says in his teasingly profound voice.

“Don’t try to quote Three Doors Down and pass it off as your own profoundness” Liam laughed hitting the bag another time.

“Nothing gets past you does it Li?” Liam let out a laugh and smiled.

“Nothing with you gets passed me” They shared a lingering look and Harry shifter uncomfortably from where he was sitting both boys turned to look at him. His eyes fell to the floor and he awkwardly asked,

“Where is Niall? I feel kind of awkward being the only one here not doing anything”

Harry was fiddling with a loose strand on his jumper. It was almost autumn and the cold air English air was quickly approaching. The jumper was for that and to hide the cuts, things had gotten bad again ever since Louis left.

“I’m not sure he has been a little spacy lately” Liam fills in.

“That isn’t like Niall” Harry adds.

“Yeah I was planning on seeing him after we are done here.” A concern look crossed Zayns face. Zayn never admits it but the fact that Niall so obviously flirts with Liam (pretty much in the same way Zayn does with Liam) kills him inside.

“I will cover for you with coach so you can leave early if you want” Zayn adds a fake smile crossing his face.

“Are you sure? I could wait…”

“He is your best friend Liam, go I’ll cover for you” Liam wouldn’t notice the way he said this threw gritted teeth.

“That’s Zayn, you’re the best” Liam says before scooping up his bag from Harry’s feet and heading out the door. Zayn let out a sigh and flung his fist at the punching bag making a loud thud.

“And you’re going to kill me” Zayn whispered under his breath. Harry gives a sigh and stands up.

“Maybe you and Niall should hook up to get back at Liam for being so ignorant.” A smile is toying on Harry’s lips.

“Shut up Styles” Zayn groaned is voice having a tone of sharpness.

Harry looked down at his feet as if he had been scolded. Zayn hadn’t meant anything by it and Harry knew it but he just wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at today. There was a strongly saddening darkness that had been dragging his mood down all day this was just the final straw.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that” Zayn says almost immediately picking up on Harry’s mood.

“What are you doing after this? I wouldn’t imagine you would still go to football practice without Lou there”

Harry shrugs shoving his hands into his pocket.

“I figured that I would just go home” Zayn sighed and rolled his eyes.

“You want to go somewhere with me?”

“Depends on where we are going” Harry retorted.

“Give me some mystery Styles just trust me for once in your life.”

“I have trusted you too many times in my life… though I guess doing it once more won’t make much of a difference will it?”

 

After practice Zayn led Harry threw the empty corridors of the school hallway turning at random times until Harry was in a section of the school he didn’t recognize. Harry fell silent as his footsteps trail across the cement floors closely behind Zayn. He stopped in front of one of the doors pulling a key from his front pocket and fixing it into the keyhole.

“Where are we?” Harry asks.

To this Zayn simply shrugs a cheeky smile crossing his face and he swung open the door.

“You’ll see”

“How did you get the key?”

“Believe it or not Harry on of the teachers gave it to me.” Zayn makes a snide remark.

He slid in the door instructing Harry to follow him. The room inside was dark and silent. There was almost no light except the small silver glow of the moon shinning through the window. It outlined row upon row of desks and the sculptures and paintings that lined the room.

“Where are we?” Harry asked again and Zayn smiles flicking on the light switch now illuminating the room. There were paints, canvases, clay and molds scattered across tabletops and Zayn smiled.

 

**Monday, March 3 rd**

Harry knew Zayn loved art. It was one of the first things he had learned about Zayn. It had been the Monday, March 3rd if that really mattered. Harry wasn’t sure why but he had a habit of writing important dates down, it had been another important date. It was three after their first encounter Zayn had dragged Harry to the far corner of the lunch hall and instructed him to sit. While Harry ate Zayn picked at his chips and sketched in this small leather bound notebook. Most of them had been little doodles or caricatures but every now and then Harry would catch Zayn staring intently at him a pencil still clutched in his hands. His eyes wavering more on little issues than Harry was used to.

“What are you doing?” Harry had asked biting into his banana and stretching his neck to see Zayn’s page.

“Drawing.” He replied covering his book and shoving it back into his satchel. Harry had never found out what he had been drawing but then again maybe he didn’t want to know. It was probably a drawing of a shirtless, sweaty Liam Payne.

**September 2 nd**

**Art room**

Back in the present Zayn was getting that glazed over look he got whenever he was thinking.

“So tell me again why they gave you the key to the art room?” Harry asks snapping Zayn out of his daze.

“No reason really I just told Mr. Walker that it was hard to do my art assignments at home because my family is a little hectic. He gave me the keys and said I could use the room whenever I wanted as long as I didn’t trash the place. I normally hang out here after practice on Friday but I thought today might be a good day to come here.” 

Harry gives a little nod and positions himself on a desk shifting a few stray paintbrushes. Zayn sits on the desk in front of him a sudden look of concern crossing his face. It was the same one he got whenever Louis said something uncharacteristic or did something really stupid, like the time Louis got so smashed after their team won the finals he tried to balance on the railing of his balcony even trying to run from one side to the next across the railing. Luckily Zayn and Harry had managed to cokes him down before anything really horrible happened to him (something worse than 400+ likes on a half naked photo of him) but for days after that Zayn gave him the same concerned look. Why Zayn was giving Harry that look he didn’t know but he had a feeling he was about to find out.

“So Haz…” Zayn begun.

“How are… things” Harry tilted his head to the side not really knowing where Zayn was going with this conversation.

“Fine…” Harry replied awkwardly shifting his weight.

“You just seem kind of spaced since Lou left, have you two talked since then?”

Now Harry understood. Zayn was worried Harry wasn’t dealing after Louis left. Maybe he wasn’t. Zayn didn’t know about Harry’s little problem but he did seem to know when things were up it was a kind of special talent he had.

“A little” Harry looks down at his feet not wanting to talk anymore about it.

“What is going on then?” Zayn pushed even more. Harry turned away now dangling his feet just above the ground biting down on his lip.

“Nothing” To this Zayn stood walking around to Harry so he had no choice but to look at him.

“Tell me.” Zayn ordered.

“It’s nothing really” Harry insists.

“Harry tell me or so help me god-”

“Fine!” Harry says and as he tells what really happened only a short week before Louis left he had to relive it all himself and admit how stupid he really was.

“Louis and I were just talking at his house, like usual but then we started talking about what would happen once he left…” Harry voice trailed off.

“Then?” Zayn pushed again.

“Then he gave me this” Harry shows Zayn the small paper airplane hanging on a silver chan.

“And I think he was going to try and… I don’t know, he was tugging at my shirt and I kind of freaked.”

That wasn’t the truth. Yeah he had freaked but not because Louis might have something more than friendship on his mind, Harry hadn’t let himself think to hard about that because it seemed utterly useless to waste his thoughts on a delusion. Harry had really freaked because he was worried Louis might see his scars and then he would have known immediately what had been going on. Louis couldn’t handle knowing especially when he was about to leave for collage. Harry couldn’t handle Louis knowing either because then everything would really change.

“Why did you freak I mean it’s just Louis right? The two of you are close. How was this time any different?” Zayn asks.

“It wasn’t really. I don’t know I was pretty high strung that’s all. I will call him tonight and ask how his new dorm room is.” Zayn nods.

“I will spend the rest of my night sitting outside Niall house, making sure he doesn’t try anything the bastard.” Harry lets out a laugh. He knows Zayn is joking but then again he wouldn’t put it past Zayn, the things he would do for Liam was astounding.

“I don’t understand how you and Niall can be friends and hate each others guts at the same time.”

“It’s a complicated friendship don’t question it. Just enjoy the rollercoaster that is life.”

Harry let out a little laugh and began to walk towards the door. Shooting back one last smart remark over his shoulder.

“I think I have had enough of your words of wisdom to last a life time, write a book or something.”

“Carful Harry your Louis is showing” Zayn shot back laughing.

Despite all odds September 2nd just might be a good day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think guys, I am really curious about how the dating formate is working for you.


	4. One More Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wants things to just go back to the way they used to be, so does Louis.  
> Zayn has bad intentions.  
> And what is going on with Niall and Liam?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suddenly I become part of your past, I’m becoming the part that doesn’t last. I’m losing you and it’s effortless- The Fray Over my Head (Cable Car)

**September 2 nd**

**10:30 Pm**

Harry was lying on his bed watching the lights dance on his celling reflecting from the streetlights and his closed windowpane. He pressed his phone to his ear using the other hand to stroke his small black and white cat Dusty. The small creature let out a purr and rolled over exposing its soft underbelly. The dial tone filled his ear ringing once, twice, thrice before finally an answer.

“Hello?” Louis familiar voice filled Harry’s ear are a smile plastered itself onto his face.

“Hey Lou,”

“Harry!” Suddenly Louis voice became more cheerful and loud.

“Hey Lou” Harry shot back a smile crossing his face.

“I wasn’t expecting you to call” Louis comments the smile still painting itself into his voice seeping threw the cracks of Harry subconscious making his mood lighter.

“Well we did promise to call everyday or are you already forgetting me with your new friends and your new dorm room” Louis gaped in response.

“Never! It was just getting late I didn’t think you would bother. Trust me don’t worry no one could ever replace you Haz. Especially not my meth head room mate.”

“I might actually be happy about that.”

“You are a selfish bastard Harry and I might just miss you.”

“Miss you too Lou. The groups already falling apart without you”

There is a pause on the other line and the shuffling of either feet or movement Harry can’t quite tell but he hears a muffled voice in the background and Louis hisses for someone to be quiet.

“What?” He replies,

“Is Zayn M.I.A again?”

Harry laughs because that is Zayn down to a tee. He is either missing or daydreaming.

“No actually Zayn is pretty normal. Niall skipped today, which is very unlike him. Then Liam skipped out early to see what was up and naturally Zayn spent the rest of the day pissed. Oh and did you know he somehow manage to get the keys from the art room? But what about you?”

Louis was silent again as if drinking in the information before replying.

“Well it looks like you are all falling apart without me. Uni is fine. I mean the lectures are a boring at hell and the general public is as dull as dishwater oh and my room smell like the inside of a meth lab but free Wi-Fi, cheep food and all access to the gym so I guess you could say I am surviving.”   

Then Louis let out a little laugh. Harry hated how forced it sounded because Louis was never fake around Harry unlike with almost everyone else.

“In other words you are having a pretty shitty time?”  Harry remarks patting Dusty once more the small animal purring loudly and snuggling closer besides Harry.

“Yeah… well it’s just different”

“Would it help if I said my day was pretty shit too?”

“No. I never want to hear you had a bad day Haz.”

Harry thinks about this and stands up walking over to his large collection of albums and shuffled threw them until he found the one he had been looking for and gave a sigh of relief turning back to the receiver.

“Lou, you brought your music with you didn’t you?”

Louis made a scoffing sound and then Harry heard the shuffling of feet again.

“Of course I do.”

“You still have ‘how to save a life’ right?”

Harry pulled out on from the stack a rustic looking cover with a single light bulb illuminating at center of the image. He shoved in into the stereo system and smirked.

“Can you put it on?” Harry asked and then waited for a while hearing Louis shuffled around the room before he could hear faint music drifting through the phone.

“Are you listening to it?”

“Yep.”

“Feeling better?”

Again Louis made a nose that was something like a pleasant grunt.

“It feels like I never left”

The song switches into the next and for a moment they both are silent though they are hours away somehow it feels like they are next to each other and when Harry lays back down on his bed and lets his eyes fall shut he almost feels Louis beside him and it’s a normal day.

“I like this one” Harry comments with a smirk because he knows Louis loves them all.

“Cable Car, nice choice Curly.” Louis shoots back.

“Over my head” Harry corrects.

“It was Cable Car on the demo, and read what the song it about Harold, trust me its Cable Car.”

Harry laughs and heard Louis echo the same laugh after him.  It was a normal day. If Harry told himself that enough then maybe it would be true.

“You feel the need to know everything don’t you Lou?”

“Of course I do.”

 “It’s getting late” Harry comments a second later. Looking over at the clock blinking signaling midnight.

“One more song okay Haz?”

“Okay.”

“Oh… and can you tell Zayn to just snog Liam already? It’s killing all of us.”

Harry lay there with the phone pressed against his ear for another song then another until the album became full swing and replayed. They didn’t talk much and eventually they both fell asleep the phone line still on. They could hear each other breathing and Harry was in a state of bliss because maybe Louis going wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

Louis screaming in the phone waking Harry up bright and early,

“Morning sunshine I am pretty sure you just jack up a phone bill to rival a months rent in this dump! Sorry I’ve got to go. Talk to you tonight!”

Harry groaned because that meant another day without his best friend. Though he had to admit he was a little curious to see how Zayn’s mood was fairing today after yesterday.

 

**September 3 rd**

 

Harry didn’t like history very much. He didn’t see the point in learning things that had already happened, you couldn’t change them so why dwell on them? If it weren’t for Michael he could have gone crazy. Despite the fact that he and Michal and no longer as close as they were a year before they were the only thing keeping each other sane through most of the day. Zayn, Liam and Niall were all a year ahead of Harry so Michael was the only friend Harry had his age any more.

At the moment Michael was spinning his pen around his fingers pausing every now and again to chew the end of it. Harry had tried to pay attention to the lesson, he really had. It didn’t work though he ended up staring out the window watching a bird hop its way across the windowsill. He could almost feel eyes boring into the back of his head. He turns quickly hoping Mr. Fletcher hasn’t stopped the lesson to snap Harry back to reality (like he had done several times already). Instead he meets Michael’s gaze the boy’s hair sporting a new blue-green streak. Harry raised an eyebrow his boy language reading,

‘What?’

Michael shrugged back then pointed to the board pretending to fall asleep.

‘I’m bored’ was is silent reply

Harry tapes his chest twice then holds up two fingers,

‘Me too.’

It was odd how they still had their own way of communicating. It wasn’t like with him and Louis there wasn’t y this unspoken connection like Harry had with Louis that kept them close it was time. Harry can still remember the awkward eleven-year-old with the Australian accent and the sandy blond hair (he had since died black). Who had showed up on his doorstep with his mother asking Harry if he wanted to play a game of ‘footy?’ Harry wasn’t sure how their mothers met but somehow after that Michael and his mother always came around.

Michael glanced at the clock and gave a sigh raising his hand in the shape of gun and pretending to fire,

‘Kill me now.’

Just then he froze and Harry quickly glanced to the front of the room where a slim elderly man shot daggers at both boys.

“Styles, Clifford can you two at least pretend to pay attention for the rest of the class?”

Harry blushed and nodded looking down at his textbook only having to fake interest for about ten minuets before the bell sounded. Harry scooped up his books and headed for the door, Michael was by his side by the time he reached the corridor.

“Well he sounded pissed” Michael laughed.

“Yeah well you weren’t really being subtle”

“Since when is subtlety my forte?”

To this they both laughed and maneuvered their way to there lockers on the far side of the school as Harry shoved his books into his locker and pulled out money for lunch.

“You know we always left your seat open in cause you want to come back”

It was a little out of character. He never seemed to mention the fact that the two boys had been growing ever distant but it wasn’t like it was all Harry’s fault either.

In the holidays before Harry had met Lou and Zayn Michael he spent back in Australia once he came back he couldn’t stop talking about these three guys he met, Harry had felt as if he had been losing his best friend and maybe ditching him for Zayn was Harry subconsciously getting back at Michael.

“Well you could always sit with me and Zayn”

“I might take you up on that one day Haz, anyway see you in gym.”

“See you.”

Then he was gone.

 

**Lunch**

Harry weaved through the lunchroom with his half filled tray of food almost stumbling over his own feet several times before plunking down beside Zayn at their usual table in the far corner of the room closest to the windows. Zayn had an untouched plate of pasta sitting in front of him a small bruise on his collarbone barely visible peaking out his shirt. Harry didn’t remember seeing him get it in training but then again boxing was rough and Zayn often showed up with bruises. Zayn didn’t greet Harry when he sat down be then again he barley ever did when he was in a mood, which he obviously was.

“What’s up Zayn?” Harry asks shoving his fork into his salad giving a scowl no longer feeling very hungry.

“Nothing Haz, just thinking.”

“You have to stop doing that it’s a real downer” This voice came from behind Harry, he knew the Irish accent immediately, Niall.

He stood awkwardly holding a tray pilled with food a quirky smile pressing his lips together his blond hair slightly messy.

“Can I sit with you guys?”

 Harry liked Niall, he really did but it was odd for Niall to sit with them. He always sat with Liam and the rest of the boxing team but Harry shrugged it off.

“Yeah, sure.”

Niall sat down next to Harry and across from Zayn digging into his food. They were all fairly silent until Zayn finally said something.

“What happened wit you and Liam yesterday? He said he went to see you.”

Niall stopped eating, looked up and bit his lip. He seemed as if he was hoping no one would mention it.

“Yeah he did, we just talked that’s all”

“Now you’re not sitting with him?”

“Yeah.”

“Should I be worried?”

Niall let his fork go it cluttered down loudly on his plate. Niall wasn’t the type of guy to get easily pissed but he obviously was just that. He pushed his food to the side and spoke again this time his voice coming harsher.

“No Zayn you shouldn’t. If you want to spend the rest of your life chasing some stupid guy who doesn’t know jack shit about how you feel you keep doing that but I’m just fucking done.”

Zayn falls silent looking down at the table. He might like to irritate Niall from now and then but it was all just a part of their friendly rivalry. Zayn never meant to actually offend Niall he just likes to stir him up a bit. It was obvious to everyone that the topic of Liam wasn’t to be brought up again and the table lapped into silence. Harry wanted to say something to break the uneven silence but he couldn’t seem to find anything to say. He fiddled with the necklace Lou gave him then spoke.

“I called Lou, he said everything is going okay. He hates his room and misses us but things aren’t as bad as he thought is was going to be. He also say one of you should just snog Liam and get it over with”

Both Zayn and Niall gave uneasy laughs at the last statement.

“Yeah like that will work” Zayn comments

“We would scar him for life” Niall continues

“I still thing the two of you should hook up and make him jealous”

This time both boys burst out laughing Zayn spitting out a piece of pasta he had been chewing on and Niall almost falling of his chair at the mere thought.

“Hell no!” Both boys gasp.

“Just an idea!”

“A terrible idea, I would rather hook up with Harry” Niall gasps jokingly still laughing but suddenly Zayn stops laughing. It was one of those moments were Zayn zoned out completely his eyes instantly glazing over Harry didn’t even want to think about what chain of events he had set into motion but even then he knew that from the look in Zayn’s eyes something was about to change and Harry wasn’t sure if he liked it.

“Hey Harry”

Zayn speaks with his eyes still filled with the strange glazed over effect that proves he is still buried deep within his own brain not even being drawn out by Niall’s laugh or Harry lack of answer.

“If you are going to admit it to being a good idea I swear to god Zayn Malik our complicated friendship is over.” Niall adds in still not shaking Zayn completely from his trace thought he does shoot Niall a sullen look.

“Not in a million years would I admit to that being a good idea I just wanted to know if Harry wanted to hang out with me in the art room after training. By the way are you even going, because though I hate to admit is Haz gets lonely without you.”

There is a shift in both boys’ moods. Niall seems to be at a complex. He obviously doesn’t want to see Liam for whatever strange reason that in rolling around in that little blond head of his but he does care about Harry and even though he would rather chop of his own arm than go to another stupid boxing practice he things that maybe just maybe if it helped Harry he would endure it.

Zayn on the other hand was fighting more with his inner voice as if debating weather to spurt out this great idea that he obviously has just come up with but must decide against it because things are silent. As usual Harry has to be the one to break this.

“Sure, I’ll got to the art room with you and really Niall I am fine if you don’t want to come I mean we can catch up later and stuff, yeah?”

“Are you sure? I mean just because things are a little awkward doesn’t me that-”

“I’m sure Niall it’s cool. You better tell me what’s going on eventually though”

Niall just nods and adds a very quiet and half-hearted,

“Sure”

The warning bell sounds signaling ten minutes until their next period but none of the boys make much movement. Niall takes a large bit out of a jam filled donut while Zayn scoops up his satchel and Harry reluctantly picks up a pile of textbooks from where he set them down at the empty side of the table. It had always been Louis seat on the odd occasion that he did decide to sit with them now it was just a little reminder that the seat was lacking vacancy it was lacking a friend.

“See you after practice then Haz,” Zayn add before turning to leave. Niall moves to do the same but Harry speaks to him before he can go to far out of hearing distance.

“Hey Niall, I meant what I said. You can talk to me about whatever, okay? I’m a surprisingly good listener”

“Thanks Haz but sometimes listening isn’t enough.” Niall grimly reply.

_Don’t I know it?_ Harry wanted to add he just couldn’t find the words.

 

**After School**

**Art Room**

Harry sat on the edge of the art room table fidgeting with his fingers. Zayn must have known Harry would come early because the art room door had been unlocked. He hadn’t bothered going to boxing practice that day, it wasn’t like he was a part of the team or anything so he had no real obligation to be there. Without Niall it would just be one big flirt fest, which Liam would reciprocate without realizing, and frustrate Zayn even more leading into him landing some bone shattering jabs into the punching bag. Harry could see this before it even happened and by the way Zayn slammed the art room door and stormed in Harry knew his theory was confirmed. Zayn stalked across he room with purpose, his eyes no longer glazed over but full of a kind of fury. He gave Harry a once over before grabbing his wrists slightly too forcefully and dragging him back into the paint closet. Harry felt his back slam against the back wall of the

small closet.

“What are you doing?” Harry asks trying to sound strong but his voice came out as a whisper.

“Your idea wasn’t that bad Harry you just said the wrong guy”

It took some time for the pieces to shift slowing into place his brow furrowing. Zayn seemed to wait for Harry to catch up. Zayn wanted him. Harry could say he didn’t see that one coming.

“What? I mean I guess I’m flattered but really Zayn I don’t like…” Harry let his voice trail off because the look Zayn was giving him was a little more than frightening.

“Don’t give me the, ‘I don’t like guys’ bullshit because I know you have had a crush on Louis since the first day you saw him”

It was true of course but how the hell could Zayn have known that? Harry had tried so hard to keep it buried under the surface because he knew there was no way in hell Louis would feel the same. Harry wouldn’t let the thought cross his mind because it wasn’t worth contemplating over. Louis obviously didn’t fell the same.  
“How did you know?”

“Because Harry, you are head over shitty arse converse for him and even someone who is blind could see the was you look at him like he is the only person in the world that matters. Fuck it even deaf people could hear the way your voice gets lighter whenever you talk to him and I know you hate it when he doesn’t do anything about it and you know how it kills me every time Liam brushes my off like a piece of linen on his shitty varsity jacket.  I just can’t fucking deal with it anymore and maybe you can’t either.”

“What are you suggesting?” Harry’s voice is hesitance.

“I just want to help you out and you help me out get rid of some pent up frustration and just go with it that’s all. Help me out… as a friend”

“I’m pretty sure friends don’t do what you want us to do”

“Can we just try it?”

Before Harry could make another attempt at bringing Zayn back to somewhere close to sanity his lips were pressing down forcefully on Harry’s. It was hungry and lustful and Harry had to admit it was slightly terrifying. He wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t have the heart to tell Zayn to stop but he didn’t want to encourage anything either.

Zayn’s fingers traced their way roughly to the small of Harry’s back grabbing fistfuls of his shirt and ripping the fabric off over Harry’s head making both of them freeze. Zayn eyes searched Harry’s body and his eyes widened letting the shirt fall to the floor. Zayn could see it all every scratch and every scar that filled his torso and arms. Harry quickly snatched it up pulling it over his head wishing Zayn hadn’t seen anything but it was obvious he had. He had seen everything. Harry’s eyes glued himself to the ground and he tried to forcefully push himself past Zayn but he wouldn’t have any of it. He gripped Harry’s arm tightly making sure the boy couldn’t leave.

“What the fuck is that?”

And then everything every thing changed, again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well things are getting intense now... what do you guys think about the whole Zayn/ Harry not quite paring? It is kind of a new idea for me so I wanted to see what you guess thought don't worry there will be more Larry and Niam in the next one with a bit of Ziam.


	5. So long Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn knows Harry's secret from now on anything goes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the middle of the night, scaring the thought of kissing razors.   
> This blood evacuation is telling me to cave in- Peirce The Vail

Harry was in a state of shock he tried to speak but couldn’t force any words out. He was trapped. There was no ‘I’m okay’ that could fix what Zayn had just seen and the look he have Harry when he finally looked up confirmed it.

“I…It…I’m sorry-”

Harry voice suddenly crack and tear stung in his eyes. He tried to rub them away before they fell rubbing violently until he felt his hands start to quiver.

“What’s going on Harry?” Zayn pushed even further.

Harry wished he could crawl into a hole and just stay there until Zayn forgot everything that he had seen and that things could just go back to the way they had been five minutes ago. Well maybe not five minutes ago when Zayn was trying to shag Harry senseless but when Zayn was just normal Zayn who didn’t give Harry a look in which it seemed to had kicked a puppy or something even worse.

“Nothing… It’s nothing, I just-”

Harry’s breath was caught up in a storm of ridged sobs. Everything was too overwhelming his feet buckled under him and fell to the ground sobbing. Zayn had just stood there for a moment as if in a state of shock before he finally sunk down beside him. His strange mood had suddenly disappeared only to be replaced with that stupid look of worry that covered his face.

“Shhhh” Zayn whispered placing his hands in Harry curls and bringing the younger boy closer. Harry didn’t know what to say, Zayn knew. He had never let anyone in but Zayn had found out and now everything was ruined. Harry ran his fingers threw his hair and tried to push back from Zayn but he wouldn’t let Harry move.

“You can’t tell” Harry whispered.

“I have to tell someone Haz, what about Louis he… he’ll know what to do… I…I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing when it comes to stuff life this.”

Harry went ridged his hands finding the floor just to make sure he was still on the ground, everything was spinning and his breath was getting shallow.

“You can’t tell Louis Zayn please, anyone but Louis… he can’t… I can’t…”

He was chocked up again and any attempt of speaking would just bring out horrible raw sobs. To this Zayn gripped a little tighter, held on a little longer before letting Harry go. Both boys eyes could meet for a fraction of a second Harry was scared until he saw all the ice from Zayn’s eyes gone. Now replaced with a warm loving look he normally reserved for Louis when he wasn’t looking or even Liam after getting injured during a match.

“Just promise me you won’t do it again Haz please,”

“It’s harder than you think”

“Just try please, I’m your best friend I don’t want to see you doing this type of thing to yourself it’s… just… not right”

“I don’t think that I can Zayn, I don’t really want to…” Zayn looked like he was trying to proses this to understand what Harry was saying.

“Can you promise me that you will try Harry, please? If you ever feel like doing it again or something… goes wrong just call me, okay?”

“Okay.” Harry whispered weekly.

“Don’t just okay me Styles, promise me”

“I promise”

Zayn nods and lets Harry go falling back on his hands supporting him and letting out a sight his fingertips twitching for a cigarette. Harry leans back now too rubbing his eyes and fixing his cloths and hair trying to pull himself together. It wasn’t like him to crack under pressure he was supposed to be so venerable. Most of the time Louis would look at him to be his rock when he went on drunk benders or when he was hating himself over an unnamed on night stand. Zayn leaned on him less for things like that but Harry was still supposed to be somewhat stable. Whenever Zayn was pissed off at his family or at Liam’s ignorance it would be Harry he would come to, no one else. Even Niall and Liam took shelter in Harry’s stable demeanor but Harry wasn’t stable. He was the shaky road that kept others from falling off a cliff. You wouldn’t risk it if you didn’t have to. Harry had to pull himself together.

“So… can we just go back to somewhat normal now?” Harry asks hopefully.

Zayn sighs as he reaches into his back pocket for a cigarette seriously considering whether taking a smoke was worth losing his art room privileges. He decided against it putting the smoke back into his pocket and running his hand threw his hair.

“No, I don’t think we ever can but can we please try to forget this whole night happened, like all of it”

“You know it isn’t that bad of an idea, you an me hooking up we could do it in front of Liam. I bet it would make him jealous. We just can’t go _that_ far again.”

Zayn eyes lit up a little.

“So you really want to try it? It doesn’t mean anything really just two friends who hook up to make other people jealous… not hook up really that’s not the right word for it. We can get out pent up frustration then just go back to normal. We won’t go _that_ far… Promise”  

Harry nodded and found his way back to his feet looking for an escape. He felt the sudden urge to be alone.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow” Harry is halfway out the door before Zayn’s voice can be heard, he almost made it.

“I can drive you if you want”

“No thanks I would rather walk,”

“Okay Haz, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“And I promise I won’t tell him.” Harry spun back around to make sure he had been hearing right. Zayn simply stood and nodded.

“Thanks Z, I owe you one” Harry whispers spinning back to the door.

“Please you owe me like ten by now. Not that I’m keeping score”

After that Harry fled out of the closet (if he wasn’t in such a frazzled state he would almost laugh at the irony of the statement) and into the art room leading to the hallway, to the pavement, to the streets and as far as he could possibly get away from Zayn. He just wanted to go home and forget that all of this had happened, he wanted Zayn not to remember and he wanted Liam and Niall to be getting along again but most of all he wanted Louis back. He just wanted to wake up and it be one of his yesterdays all over again.

 

Harry hadn’t even had time to collapse in a heap before the phone in his pocket let out a shrill ring. He cursed and reefed it out of his pocket looking at the caller I.D, _Niall_. Harry pressed answer gritting his teeth wanting just a moment of silence that he obviously wasn’t going to get it.

“Hey Ni” Harry forced threw gritted teeth trying to sound calm.

“Hey Haz I just… well I was calling because after lunch you said that we could talk about anything so I kind of wanted to talk”

 Harry held his phone close to his ear slipping his shoes off and flopping down on his bed.

“Yeah Niall I told you we can talk whenever just tell me what’s up”

The other line was silent for so long Harry had thought Niall had hung up but finally he spoke.

“Well I kind of ended up showing up at boxing practice because I am a fucking idiot who thought that I could just be friends with Liam again and not make a big deal about the fact that he is so blind it is almost fucking hilarious. But instead when I showed up he was hanging out with some stupid dancer girl and the next thing I know they are making out in front of the gym in front of everyone”

“Zayn saw too didn’t he?”

Niall made a grunt which obviously meant yes. Of course Zayn saw that is why he was so pissed.

“I mean _everyone._ Not that they really cared but he saw me and tried to walk over. I just turned around and walked away. I am sick of it Haz. When he came over yesterday I couldn’t even open the door because I was so scared that I would say something stupid and he would know and they we wouldn’t be friends anymore. Liam has been my best friend longer than I have been dying my hair and that was a freaking long time ago” Niall laughs ruefully but the breath gets caught in his throat coming out as a little sob and Harry feels to hopeless because he is on the very of crying himself for a hundred different reasons but he had to hold himself together for another five minutes.

“Even longer than you have been eating at Nando’s?” Harry asked trying to lighten the mood. Niall laughed a little too.

“Even longer than I have been playing guitar”

“Wow,” Harry laughed hoping to make Niall feel at least a little bit better about the shitty Liam situation.

“Would it help if I told you that Zayn was so pissed he tried to shag me?”

Niall choked out a loud laugh,

“You poor soul, was it terrifying?”

“Pretty much.”

“If Liam doesn’t catch on soon god help us all”

“We will all be more screwed up than we already are”

 

**September 4 th**

**1:15 am**

Harry lay awake in bed his eyes wide open staring blankly at the celling he and Niall had stopped talking over two hours ago yet he still couldn’t sleep. It was cold outside but somehow he was boiling. He lay with the window wide open letting the cold night air seep into his exposed chest yet still he was burning up. His head had been spinning recalling and over analyzing not only Zayn reaction but also how he would have to change his. His fingers ached for the sharp glistening blade of a raiser. If he just did it once he would be able to sleep, just once. Zayn would know now and he had promised he would try.

“Try Harry, please” Zayn had begged him.

Harry couldn’t get the look out of his mind that Zayn had given him it was burning a whole into his mind flaming etching scorch marks into his subconscious that burning glance would never go away. Zayn would tell Louis and Louis would freak out and everything would be even more fucked up than they already were.

Louis, he hadn’t called Louis. Shit. He promised he would call everyday but after getting off the phone to Niall, having a good look at himself in the mirror and crumpling a sobbing head under the covers he really hadn’t been in the mood to call anyone.

He disregarded the time not sure what he was thinking but he picked up the phone and called Louis. It took him longer to pick up than the night before and Harry was about to hang up when a very groggy Louis answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“Lou… did I wake you up? Of course I did, shit I didn’t mean to you can go back to bed if-”

“Hello to you to Harold, to your surprise I might have actually wanted to talk to you.” Louis is back to his spritely self though there is still some sleep dragging down his tone of voice.

“Really?” Harry asked a little surprised to hear it.

“Yeah Zayn called he earlier and said you were having a pretty shitty day, I just wanted to make sure you were fine” Harry froze as soon as he heard Zayn’s name mentioned, was he already screwed?

“Is that all Zayn said?”

“Pretty much why?”  

Harry internally sighed and felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder.

“Oh never mind”

“Oh… but he did tell me he snogged you. If that’s what you’re worried about. Poor lad, someone has to tell Zayn he can’t kiss straight guys whenever he feels like it.”

And just like that the weight was back again, of all things did he seriously think Zayn wouldn’t mention something about what happened it the art room. Act like nothing has happened Harry, just breath and sound calm.

“Oh yeah. It was a bit shocking at first but then he told me he meant nothing by it”

“Yeah, you were having a bad day so he decided that he would snog you on the lips like any good friend would”

“He was having a bad day too,” Harry protested though it probably wouldn’t make much of a difference.

Louis laughed at the other end of the phone.

“You have got to learn to stand up for yourself Haz,”

“I stand up for myself!” Harry protested

“Yeah well you keep telling yourself that.”

“I do!” To this they were both laughing.

“So are you going to tell me why you were having a bad day?”

“No. I really don’t want to talk about my day at all. Just give me something else to talk about. How was your day?”

Louis let out the little sigh and Harry repositioned himself in the bed getting into a comfortable position. He knew that Louis could probably talk about himself for hours on end and maybe that wasn’t a bad thing.

He told Harry about how he hated the fact that he had gotten into uni on a football scholarship, not because he couldn’t afford it because if he scarped together all his saving and maybe sold his car he probably would have enough money for at least three years of schooling but for the fact that everyone expected that from him. He was just another kid who got in on a football scholarship and that would be all he was ever good at, that how Louis had put it anyway. He wanted people to see that there was more to him that just that, Harry already knew this but apparently people were pretty quick to judge especially when half his high school football team ended up going to the same school. Louis also talked a little about his roommate of a little while. Apparently he isn’t as bad as he seems despite being covered in what looks like gang tattoos and high ninety percent of the time. Harry had jokingly added that he didn’t sound much different to Zayn. Louis had just laughed. He talked about classes and lecture and which teachers he like and which ones he hated. Louis pretty much talked about everything until about three when Harry let out a little yawn.

“Are you tired?” He had asked and Harry’s eyes began to drift shut slowly.

“A little” He admitted to this Louis laughed because it seemed like he could be wide-awake no matter what time of the night it was.

“Goodnight Curly” He whispered.

“Night Lou.”

Harry let the phone fall and fell asleep almost instantly.

 

**September 4 th**

**5:45 am.**

Harry was murmuring quietly in his sleep, though he couldn’t remember what he was dreaming about he knew it wasn’t good when Zayn entered stomping loudly and he crossed the small space to Harry’s bed and jerked the blankets quickly off the younger boy. Harry let out a groan and reached out for the blanks his eyes still sown shut with sleep. After reaching in darkness with no prevail he sat rubbing his eyes with his fists like a toddler before glaring at Zayn who looked a little to pleased with himself for waking Harry up at this god awful hour.

It was still dark outside the sun had not yet even begun to peak above the other houses in the neighborhood but Zayn looked as relaxed as always.

“Rise and shine sleepy head” The words rolled off his tongue like silk and velvet.

Harry couldn’t help but notice the dark shadows under Zayn’s eyes that his casual mood almost masked. He doubted that it was because Zayn had woken up so early, these lines seemed indicated more than lake of sleep it was almost like Zayn hadn’t slept since yesterday and yet again his hand the bound together loosely with bandages.

“What happened to your hand?” Harry asked groggily.

“It’s just a little sore from yesterday. I bandaged it for boxing practice” Zayn again came off calm but there was an underlying tone of something else.

“But boxing isn’t until the afternoon”

“That is where you are wrong. On Wednesday we have morning practice and seems you agreed to help me you are under a strict oath to come with me.”

Harry let out a groan and rolled out of bed dragging himself to his closet and fumbling with the cloths on the rack not really caring what he wore as long as it covered most of his arms and legs.

“This is bullshit,” Harry murmured

“It is a favor Harold, all you have to do is get dress get your arse down stares- I brought coffee and donuts for breakfast by the way- and come with me to practice.”

Harry raised an eyebrow incredulously and pulled out and old plaid shirt that fell a little ways past the elbow, it would have to do- well that and a handful of bracelets that would cover any real damage.

“It that all you want me to do? Just come to practice?”

“Yeah. The real plane starts on Friday.”

“What’s happening Friday?”

To this Zayn gave a mischievous smile and cocked his head to the side.

“I am throwing a little party at my place, you are going. Along with Niall and Liam and about one hundred of my closets friends.”

Harry dropped the coat hanger from his hands and shot Zayn an unsteady glance. 

“Are you insane?”

“I just might be but remember it was your plane.”

“This was so not my plane!”

“Whatever you say Haz just don’t forget Friday, it will be a night to remember.”

And it was.

For all the wrong reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I kind of need your feedback for the next chapter. I have a hundred scenarios running through my head so I could pretty much go any way. So I was wondering which pairing you would like to see more of (be dominant) in the next chapter? Harry/Louis, Zayn/Harry, Zayn/ Liam, Liam/ Niall. I can really write it any way so just give me feedback on which you would rather.


	6. Party Hard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn is throwing a party and it won't be forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I can ease your pain   
> Get you on your feet again.   
> Relax.   
> I'll need some information first.   
> Just the basic facts.   
> Can you show me where it hurts? 
> 
> There is no pain you are receding   
> A distant ship smoke on the horizon.   
> You are only coming through in waves.   
> Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.   
>  ***  
> I can't explain you would not understand   
> This is not how I am.   
> I have become comfortably numb.

**September 6 th**

Friday arrives quickly and passes slowly. Zayn hadn’t stopped talking about the party since Wednesday. Harry was surprised how quickly he had arranged his party, in two days it seemed like everyone was going or had at least heard about it. Harry wasn’t sure how Zayn pulled it off considering he wasn’t the most popular guy in school, maybe it was just the promise of free alcohol or of an unsupervised party. Which was another thing Harry couldn’t work out how Zayn had managed. Somehow he had gotten get both of his parents and his sister out of the house for a whole night. Zayn hadn’t mentioned it in the many hours they had spent together in the past few days.

Zayn hadn’t left Harry alone ever since the day in the art room. At first Harry hadn’t questioned it but when Zayn had insisted in staying for dinner Thursday night he knew something was up. That night Harry was laying awake thinking and suddenly the realization hit him like a bullet train, Zayn was scared. He didn’t let it show but he was scared for Harry. That is why he never left him alone because he was worried about what would happen if he did. Harry didn’t want that, he never had.

That was one of the thousands of reasons he had never told anyone about his problem because he didn’t want people to have to bear the burden of knowing despite the fact that they couldn’t do anything about it. Harry had cut himself only once since Zayn had found out and was very careful to cover it up but he still felt horrible. The gilt keeping him awake that night. Thoughts almost running him ragged yet still he had gotten up and went to school acting like everything was normal.

Now Harry was now standing on Zayn’s doorstep music blaring out a strange mix of techno, dub step and Chris Brown tunes. Harry didn’t even have to open the door before he knew that the party was already in full swing. He could hear the wailing screeches of drunken senior and the flirtatious giggles of drunken girls.

Zayn opens the door and smiled calmly and gestured for Harry to come in not bothering with a greeting because Zayn never does. His house was totally transformed from being a subtle suburban town house to a rave party central. Most of the furniture was pushed against the wall leaving the center of the living room as a dance floor and the kitchen serving as a bar. The upstairs rooms were all shut and Harry wasn’t sure if that was because Zayn had locked them or because they were all occupied. From the strange groans wafting down from Zayn’s sister’s room Harry thought the latter. Zayn navigated threw the dance floor and into the kitchen handing a cup of some unknown alcohol to Harry who eyed it dubiously. It wasn’t the fact that he was under aged that made him not want to drink (that never really matters does it,) but he knew for a fact that whatever Zayn had planed for tonight he needed to have his wits up and drinking wasn’t the best idea.

“Come on boy toy, drink up.” Zayn instructed slinging his arm over Harry’s shoulder.  He was drunk already, great.

“So what are we doing? I mean what is this big plan of yours?”

“Be patient Harry, it’s a party just party! I will tell you when you have to do- Oh shit there he is! Act cool. Do I look okay? How is my hair?”

“Your hair?”

“It’s a fucking mess isn’t it?”

“How much have you had to drink?”

Zayn only gives a lazy smile in response before grabbing Harry and lifting him onto the bench top. He shoved his body weight against Harry and he could smell the vodka seeping threw his pours smothered by a harshly unsubtle cologne and cigarette smoke. Harry was fairly used to this smell just not in such high amounts and so when he glanced across the room to see Liam walking threw the front door there eyes instantly locking. He didn’t break eye contact with Liam when he asked Zayn.

“What the hell are you doing?” Harry asks still not taking his eyes off Liam.

“You know what I’m doing Haz just roll with it.”

“Are you sure Zayn he is looking right at us” Zayn reached up his fingers twining their way threw Harry’s curls and pulling his head down until there lips were almost touching then whispered harshly,

“I really don’t give a fuck anymore”

Harry caught Liam walking towards the two of them only five feet away when Zayn let his lips ghost is then started to add more force. Pushing down harder with passion not love. Harry didn’t like it. There was something wrong about kissing your best friend. Not just morally but it was almost like he heart could feel it too. There was no romantic spark like in the movies though he never expected there to be one.

“Zayn?” Liam’s voice came from behind them.

“Doesn’t he look fucking hot? It isn’t fair” Zayn whispers before he pushed away from Harry furrowing his brow and pretending to act surprised.

“Oh Li! I didn’t see you come in.” Liam had this strange look on his face that Harry couldn’t decipher. It was a mixture between confusion and hurt.

“I wasn’t sure if it was you” Liam continued rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.  

“I thought you could notice me from anywhere Li, wasn’t that what you said once. You know because of all my tattoos”

Zayn was playing his game again.

 

**April 19 th**

Louis had explained it to him after a football game when Zayn was in another one of his moods. Harry never did find out the reason behind it but then again Zayn barely ever told what was wrong with him. When Louis had called him out on it Zayn had spun on his heels a flame lighting his eye. He a smiled calmly and told Louis to ‘find a slag and go use her to fuck yourself’ then stormed off with a middle fingered salute. Harry had instantly called to Louis defense but Zayn was gone leaving Louis and Harry alone looking out of the bleachers at the empty field.

“How can you let him treat you like that?” He had asked searching Louis face for hurt. Harry liked Zayn but that was going to far. This was in one of Louis dark patches. The whole school was talking about how he had hooked up with several girls over the past month. Louis never commented on it but Harry could tell by the way he would cringe when he would hear someone talk about it in the hallway when he passed or when his team members called him a ‘womanizer’.”

“Because it’s all a game Haz”

“What is?”

“Zayn and his little snide remarks. I have known him long enough to learn his patterns. He will say something to make you feel like complete shit so that you won’t get close enough to care about him because he doesn’t want you to know how horrible he is feeling about himself. For most people it works but he can’t seem to shake me. I know him to well to fall for his tricks”

Now Harry knew too.

**September 6 th**

“I did notice you but I just didn’t expect…” Back in the present Liam’s voice trails off.

“Expect what Liam? Because I didn’t expect to see you making out with your girlfriend in front of the whole boxing team the other day so you shouldn’t care what I do.”

 This is the moment where if Harry was smart he would have dragged Zayn away, avoided the issue for another day but the think was he wasn’t smart.

“I wasn’t… I just didn’t know that you-” Liam was floundering his eyes even searched the crowd for an escape.

“Yes Li, I like guys so if you just want to leave this party and never speak to me again then go ahead.” Liam’s eyes shot back to Zayn a panicked look on his face.

“No. I didn’t mean anything like that Zayn. I don’ care who you like your still my friend and I am going to stay and enjoy the party. No harm no fowl” Liam shot a smile but it looked forced what Liam muttered next was so quiet it was almost inaudible over the thumping music.

“I just never expected you to be with Harry of all people” Harry heard though and furrowed his brow trying to pretend he didn’t hear.

“Well… I’m going to go dance,” Harry said making an excuse to leave because you could pretty much cut this tension with a knife.

“Oh Harry I almost forgot to mention I invited Louis” Zayn slurs his words in his tipsy state to this Harry freezes and spins on his heels.

“What? When? I mean… where his is?”

Zayn simply shrugs.

“Not sure he might not sure really. I think I saw him but maybe it wasn’t him. I can’t remember.”

Harry gave a little sigh. Zayn was drunk he wasn’t going to get anything useful out of him for another few hours so instead he turned on his heels and bit his lip. Where would Louis be? He tried to think like Louis. At a party there were normally two places he would be, either drinking or hiding away in a secret location away from the party. Seems he obviously wasn’t in the kitchen he went for the latter option.

Harry climbed up the stairs and tentatively knocked on each door before walking in knowing that if he just marched in he would see a lot of things he wouldn’t want to see. Louis was nowhere to be found so Harry reevaluates thinking now of the balcony incident. Whenever Louis was drunk he liked to climb Harry never understood this but then again he didn’t understand a lot of things about Louis. Harry thinks of the many times he has been to Zany’s and how his window held the perfect vantage point to climb onto the roof. Harry quickly rushed to Zayn’s room, which was luckily vacant and was at the window before he could finish his thought. He shoved it open quickly a gust of ice-cold wind cutting him to the core making draw in a sharp breath before positioning himself on the sill.

“Lou, you up there?” Harry asked his eyes trailing upwards to where a pair of bright red toms dangled down.

“Course Haz, I’m always up here.”

“You’re always drunk too”

“Would I sound like a douche if I said ‘party hard?’”

“Yes, now more you arse over”

Louis scooted over a little so Harry could pull himself up and sit next to his friend. Louis was staring off into the distance a kind of glazed over look filling his eyes. They sat there in silence for a long time just looking out at the stars and how they peeked over the houses like twinkly lights illuminating the desolate streets. The music and screaming from the party was harder to hear from the roof it makes everything sound distorted like they were under the sea. Louis lay back looking only at the sky, a blank canvas scatted with small stars little imperfections and the moon a beacon of light illuminating empty sky and leaving Harry’s mind to wonder away from the party. It seemed like everything was an illusion. Him and Louis lying under the stars the only two people in the world, him showing when Harry least expected (which somehow he managed to do a lot) no of it seemed real.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming” Harry whispers and a smile ghosts its way against Louis face.

“I need to keep you on your toes” Louis reaches his hand out holding his hand up to the sky and smiling a little and closing one eye.

“What are you doing Lou?” Harry laughs looking at his friend.

His mind starts to wander into dangerous territory. He thinks of the way Louis eyelashes are uncharacteristically long and how there is always one strand of hair he can never manage to gel back from his eyes.

“I’m trying to catch a star” Louis reached out ever further and Harry gave a little laugh wondering how drunk he was instead of calling him out on it Harry simply shrugged it off.

“Everyone knows that you can only catch falling stars Lou” Louis let out a laugh.

“Then if you see one you better catch it for me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Louis really?”

“Really!”

“Fine promise” Louis rolled on his side and looked Harry up and down before pulling out something from his pocket a small smoke he fumbled with a lighter.

“I thought you didn’t smoke” Harry comments and Louis gave a cheeky smile sitting up.

“I don’t but having a junky as a room mate helps when you are looking for a good time”

Louis put it too his lips and lit it up breathing in the smoke deeply inhaling before lying back down and puffing out several o shaped rings. Harry raised an eyebrow and watched he way his lips pursed around the cigarette.  He took another drag this time turning and blowing the smoke into Harry face giving a smile as the younger boys eyes widened and let out a little cough.

“How are you Haz?” Louis asks taking a strangely conserved tone.

“Fine Lou. I’m always fine.” It came of rueful and Harry squinted up at the stars watching them dance just a little brighter than before.

“You know this is the longest I’ve been at a party without shagging someone? That’s not fine.” Louis whispers the last part taking one last drag of the smoke before flicking it away.

“It’s kind of sad actually” He adds his blue eyes shinning sadly.

“Are you okay Lou?” Harry asks and watches his own rueful expression flash over his friend’s face.

“I’m always fine Haz” Louis moves a bit closer to Harry not saying anything as he does so.

“I think I know why we get along so well” Louis comments letting his eyes drift shut.

“I am so screwed up are you are so put together we even each other out.” Harry almost laughs because Louis couldn’t be more wrong.

“I am more screwed up then you will ever be Lou. You are the put together one”

“I’m sick of it Haz.”   
“Sick of what?”

Louis is shivering. Harry isn’t sure if it is because all he has to fight against the winter air is a thin letterman jacket or because he was on the verge of breaking. That wasn’t something some thing Harry wanted to see. Louis was always the one who would smile and pull both of them together. Maybe Harry was wrong he wasn’t the shaky ground but he was standing on it.

“I am sick of everyone expecting me to be someone I’m not.  I’m sick of football Harry, and that’s pretty much the only thing I’ve ever had other than music and I am sick of it. Most of all I am sick of clueless girls. I am sick of trailing my fingers other their thighs just to get their attention and I am sick of not wanting it but getting it anyway. I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

The last part was a whisper barely audible. Harry wasn’t thinking when he let his hand fall down brushing against Louis at first the boys didn’t move they just lay there the back of each others hands pressed against each other until Louis made his move pressing Harry’s palm against his and giving a little squeeze.  

“Can we go inside now? It’s freezing” Louis adds numbly standing and making his way to the edge of the roof before carefully lowing himself down through Zayn’s bedroom window. Harry wondered if it was just an excuse for him to get away from Harry. He sighed and followed cursing himself for being such and idea.

His feet thumped down on solid land and the music began to pound again. Things started to spin a little and he clutched on to the wall wondering what was wrong with him. He had barley had anything drink but then again whatever Louis had puffed in his face must have seemed pretty strong. He watched Louis turns slowly and outstretch his hand as an aid.

“Not so good are you lightweight?” Louis comments and Harry smiles.

“I just don’t have your experience is all”   
“Hey Lou”

“Yeah?”

“It doesn’t matter what other people think about you. You are perfect and don’t let the world break you because no one else matters. Quit football, stop going to parties, stop sleeping with girls you don’t love because you deserve to be happy and you are the only one how knows what makes you happy”

“You make me happy” Harry almost swore he heard it but he wasn’t sure so he just ignored it knowing that it was his mind playing tricks on him because there is no way Louis would say something like that.

“I have to drive back tomorrow.” Louis whispered looking down at his feet.

“I can’t go back Haz”   
“Then don’t” Harry whispers.

Louis furrows his brow and lets his hand fall looking at Harry and taking a little step closer biting his lip and looking at Harry barley able to make out his silhouette in the dark room the only light flooding in from the moon and the crack under the door where the party still beat on like the pounding beat of a drum.

“You’re killing me Harry”

“What are you doing?” Harry asks as Louis leans a little closer.

“I am fucking up everything and I’m sorry in advance”

Then something unexpected happened. Louis reached his hand up trailing it threw Harry’s hair his breath hitching before he brought down Harry to his level their lips meeting suddenly and then there was that spark. It was a mix between a firecracker and a rocket launch mimicking the sickening stomach drop sensation of cascading off the giant drop of a rollercoaster.

He wasn’t as rough as Zayn but there was more passion. He tasted different too. It was a mix between vodka, weed and then there was something that was purely Louis a strange mingling of sugar and spearmint, which tasted like heaven at the end of his tongue. Harry deepens the kiss pulling Louis a little closer and Louis smirks shoving his hand into his pocket and pulling out a small pill to which Harry raised an eyebrow. Louis reached up and popped it into his mouth and smile.

“Have a little fun Harry, I’m already going to regret this”

Harry wasn’t sure what was about to happen but Louis lips were against his again there tongues meeting the small vile tasting pill held in the vantage point where both met. The music because louder and softer all at once if that was even possible and Louis movements became harder to follow. It was like watching an old film that skipped every few seconds, disjointed and blurry. They were moving and everything was spinning colors blending against the black background like a kaleidoscope. They were moving navigating their way through a maze of light, god they were so bright it was almost blinding. Then the stereo by Zayn’s bed is playing and somehow even with the fuzzy background noise Harry recognizes the tune of Comfortable Numb by Pink Floyd as the music shifts in bubbles threw air drum beats and strums of the guitar took him to another world. Zayn had borrowed Harry’s Pink Floyd collection months ago and had never given it back at least now he knew why.

Just as the guitar solo kick in Harry feels himself falling down on the bed hitting the pillow with a thud the earth seeming so shift under him. Louis hands are trailing up and down Harry’s body his fingers gripping the hem of his shirt and then it was off. Harry froze but Louis didn’t react his eyes even more glazed over than they were before the only things standing out in the darkness was those bright blue eyes mixing with the kaleidoscope and Harry realized either Louis was too high or it was too dark to see the scares and cuts. He should feel them though he was probably too out of it to notice to Harry lets go and it is like magic.

The twisting color and distorted music was almost soothing and Louis was powerful and gentle and it wasn’t fair that everything was so perfect. Harry felt completely weightless like he was drifting in a pool of water and every move he made was effortless. Soon his pants where gone and he was lying there completely naked. There was more touching and before he knew it he was moaning Louis name and gripping the bed head the intense blurring beat took over and the rest of the night was history.

It was the morning when he realized how screwed up things had gotten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked it. The last part got a little intense to write because I am not the type of person who wants to just write pure smut but I did want a kind of sex scene so I hope it was good enough for you, may or may not be another one later in the fic ;)  
> You will have to wait and see.


	7. First Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything was perfect, until it wasn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. - George Bernard Shaw

September 7th 

When Harry woke his head was pounding and not in the normal hangover way. It felt like someone had smashed his head against a brick wall and threw him out a window. The rest of his body seemed to reciprocate this same throbbing urge. He felt the need to be sick but couldn’t move to do so his stomach lurching in agony and protest. He was surprised when he outstretched his hand to find another body beside him breaths coming slow and deep as if still in slumber. 

Harry rolled over and met Louis sleeping face and the whole night came back to him in one big hit. Most of the night anyway some parts were blurred and dreamlike but he remember more than he would have hope. 

He was surprised that Louis was still there. He would have been almost certain that the older boy would have been utterly discussed in what had happened the night before. Harry slipped out of bed to pull his cloths on the thought hitting him that when Louis woke up he would be more or less sobered up and that with the bright streaming tendrils of sun peeking in from the open window there was no way Louis wouldn’t notice the scars. He wasn’t sure what to do after that. He felt the lurching sensation in his stomach again and ran into the bathroom emptying the content of his stomach into the toilet bowl.   
When he stopped hurling he stood up strait looking at himself in Zayn’s bathroom mirror cringing slightly. He looked like a mess his hair shooting out tussled and messy. His cheeks flushed bright pink and his eyes shinning glassy and distant. He splashes water on his face to try and wake him up and yet again his body screams in protest and he lets out a low groan. 

There is movement in the other room and Harry isn’t sure whether to dare venture into the other room knowing that Louis will be waiting and he would have regret everything. Harry didn’t even need to hear him say it because he already had. Harry remembered Louis words clearest of all, ‘I’m already going to regret this’. Harry didn’t need to hear it twice. Last night was a dream something he had been waiting for as long as he had known Louis and to Louis all it would be was another mistake. Another one night stand at a party that he didn’t want to bet at or remember. They had both screwed everything up.   
“I know you’re in there Haz” Louis voice came from the other side of the door and Harry exhaled his stomach dropping again.  
He forced himself to reach for the doorknob giving it a turn and letting the door fly open to see Louis standing just in front of him in nothing but his Top Man boxer shorts. 

“Hey.” Harry says immediately looking down at his bare feet not wanting to get caught looking at any part of Louis body. Not as his perfectly defined and slightly curvy body splattered with trailing ink marks much more than when they had first met (Harry always blamed Zayn’s influence for that). 

“Sorry” Louis whispered making Harry look up at his face in confusion meeting the eyes blue and swollen like he is on the borderline of crying. 

“For what?” Harry is a little breathless in response. 

“For being a horrible friend.” Louis breaks eye contact and looked at the paper airplane hanging from Harry’s neck. 

“I’m sorry Lou, I was the bad friend” Louis laughs it is short a bitter. It cuts worse than any raiser he raises his hand and scrubs his eyes intently.

“You’re sorry? Were you the one who drugged your best friend and pretty much forced yourself on him? Were you the one who violated him and then has to leave him after all that? That is what I’m going to do and what I have done Harry.” 

Harry feels like he has been slapped the word violated comes on more than strong it is jarring. He feels like he could drop to his knees, met into the floor just disappear into nonexistence. 

“You didn’t violate me Lou, I’m a big boy I can handle myself” 

“But I did Haz and that’s what you don’t get. What we did it was… wrong. It was my fault and I’m not sure why I did it but I can tell you it won’t happen again.”   
“Wrong because we are best friends or wrong because…” His voice trails off because the second option taste vile on the tip of his tongue. Louis doesn’t even have the nerve to answer that makes Harry’s heart sink a little.

“Because I’m a guy,” Louis still doesn’t say anything. 

“You were the one who kissed me Louis not the other way around” Louis cringes and looks down.

“Haz, I know you’re not… into that I neither am I it was just a mistake and it was… I’m not” 

Harry let out a sight as Louis fumbled with his words not being able to find the right words to fight. Harry felt shattered like he could crumble at any moment.

“You’re not what Louis?” 

“I’m not a fag” 

Harry could feel his jaw drop. Out of all people Louis was the last one Harry would have ever thought would use that word it was bitter and hateful and just plain wrong. 

“Good to know. No harm no fowl it meant nothing, we where both drunk and high we can just forget all about it.” Harry forced the words out bitterly each syllable coming out as if it were being dragged out with barbwire. 

“Really? That is another reason why I…” Louis voice drops suddenly.

“The reason why I miss you so much. You understand me.”

That wasn’t what Louis had planned to say that much was certain. 

“I’ll call you tonight after you get back” Harry whispers trying to push Louis away without using physical force. Harry was almost certain he was about to cry he had to keep it all in digging his nails into the palm of his hand and biting down on the inside of his lip.

“…Bye Haz, I really meant that I miss you, I’ll call you when I get there okay?”

“Okay” Smile just smile and make it convincing he was about to brake. 

Louis picked up his cloths from the floor slipping them on and casting one last glance back at Harry and shooting one of his golden smiles.   
Harry smiled back but he was crumbling. 

Then the door shut with a slam somehow he managed to drag himself to the bed before braking down. He felt like he wanted to cry but the tears wouldn’t come they were doing their damage at tearing apart his insides but still he couldn’t cry. He lay there numb and distant trembling at little. He wasn’t sure how long he lay there he lost track of everything. 

 

September 7th   
1:25 P.m. 

The house had been fairly silent for a long time but there was the thumping of feet from the hallway coming closer to the room. Harry dragged himself under the blanket hiding from however was about to enter. The door slammed and the person exhaled deeply.

“The party was over hours ago mate, you are going to have to leave” Zayn’s voice drifted into Harry’s ears.

“Sorry” Harry whispered numbly from under the covers. 

“Haz?” Zayn asks immediately climbing in beside him. 

“Yep” Harry whispers and Zayn scoots a little closer. 

For most people this would seem a little strange for two friends to be so close but he and Zayn have always had a close relationship. Not close in the way that his and Louis was but it was close nonetheless and this was Zayn’s way of comfort. Even though on the outside Zayn appeared rough around the edges he was a good guy and as soon as he was any of his friends hurting he would be there for them. 

“Sorry mate I didn’t realize it was you” 

“It’s okay”

“Are you okay? You sound bad, worse than me and I’ve spent the last two hours throwing up in a pot plant.” Harry almost laughs.  
“A pot plant?” 

“Yeah I tried to make it to the bathroom but couldn’t so… yeah…” Zayn let out a little laugh.

“My parents are going to kill me” 

Harry tried to laugh but his came out as more of a gasp and Zayn gabbed his younger friend by the shoulder twisting him around so he could see his face. Zayn looked tired and battered a small cut rested just above his eyebrow.

“What happened Haz? Just point me in the right direction and I will punch them in the face” 

“Would you still punch them in the fact if I told you it was Louis” 

Zayn let out a little sigh and propped himself up so he could see Harry better. 

“What did he do?” 

“We kind of kissed-”

“Oh” Zayn interrupted as if he already knew the direction in which the story would take.

“You can’t blame him for being a little shocked after that, I mean if you sprang it on him-”

“He kissed me. Then he gave me this pill from his roommate I think it was ecstasy but I’m not sure. Then we kind of did it” Zayn’s jaw dropped and his almond eyes widened. 

“By it you mean…”

“Sex? Yeah that’s what I mean” 

“Shit.” 

“Shit.” 

Harry repeated shoving his face under Zayn’s pillow wishing he could find a way to make last night not happen to stop the pounding in his head and the aching of his limbs and just go back to how things were. It seemed like a recurring thought lately. 

“Then what?” Zayn presses. 

“Then he told me it was a mistake and he wasn’t a fag” 

Harry could fell Zayn tense every muscle in his body became ridged. His hands balled into fists and his brow creased in confusion.   
“The little fucker, he didn’t” 

Zayn voice had comes out killer like spitting acid. Harry didn’t want Zayn to be mad at Louis because Harry was already mad enough at himself for letting all of this happen. He hated himself more than he could ever hate Louis. 

“It was my fault Zayn, it’s fine I promise.” 

“Was he your first?” Zayn asks still in the same terrifying tone.  
“My first what?” 

“Don’t play dumb Styles. Was he your first?”

“Yes.” 

“The little fucker” 

Harry didn’t respond he just broke down finally able to cry the tears he had bottled up all this time came spilling out from where ever they had been hiding and then fell it was like a torrent of sobs wrecking his body. Zayn pressed his head against Harry’s pushing his lips against Harry’s forehead.

“You’re okay babe,” He whispered into Harry’s curls at the same time a very flustered Liam came bursting through the door.

“I found him!” Liam yells and then pauses looking at both boys entangled together in Zayn’s bed and Harry immediately knows what it looks like. Liam’s eyes trail down to the floor.

“Sorry… sorry. I just… I found Niall” He rubbed the back of his neck.

Harry sat up a little and furrowed his brow.

“What happened to Niall?” Harry asks.

“He stormed out of the party, Zayn and I spent half the night looking for him” 

Harry raised and eyebrow at Zayn who shrugs a small smirk finding it’s way onto his face.

“I thought you spent the last two hours throwing up in a pot plant” 

“Correction. I spent half the night looking for Niall, can home and spent two hours throwing up into a pot plant. Happy now?” 

“Why did Niall leave?” 

Zayn gave a little sigh and exhaled. 

“That is a little complicated, you missed a lot last night too Haz.” 

 

September 6th 

Harry disappeared into the crowd out of sight. Zayn and Liam were left alone. Liam was left staring at Zayn with those large puppy dog eyes the kind that made Zayn’s heart melt in an instant they were so beautiful and pure is was almost heart breaking. 

“I meant what I said Zayn I really don’t care who you love, you’re still one of my best friends” 

“Only second to Niall” Zayn says before he can stop himself, his mouth is going on it’s own tonight. He wonders how many drinks he had before Liam showed up he is almost sure it is more that you could count on both hands and that is startling considering he wasn’t the drinking type. 

“I love you and Niall differently” 

Zayn almost felt his heart saw. Zayn didn’t care what context he had used it in Liam had said the word love when describing him and that was a first. That was another thing Zayn hated about Liam the fact that despite him being always strong and composed with only a few simple words he could bring Zayn down and wrap him around his little finger. Zayn wasn’t used to being owned. 

“I have known Niall for so long he is like a brother to me and you and I we get on really well I mean from the start we have gotten on really well” 

Zayn almost felt like laughing. Take that Ni, Zayn might be friend zoned but Niall was in the brother zone and that was even worse. 

“Where is our little Irish lad anyway?” Zayn asks a little annoyed that Niall isn’t there to have his face rubbed into it. 

“He said he would be here in a minute he will probably get here the same time as Danielle” 

Zayn let out a sigh Danielle whoever the hell she was she wasn’t invited.

“Danielle?”

“Yeah, my plus one” 

Why the fuck had anyone ever invented the plus one rule? Zayn thought bitterly fire lighting in his eyes.

“I though Niall was always your plus one”

“He is but you invited him remember?” 

Well fuck. Zayn felt like flinging his hands in the air and storming back up to his bedroom and slamming his door while screaming. Why did he even bother? Why does he still bother? He just wants Liam to see how hard he was fighting for him. Zayn was always good at fighting physically but when it came to this metal battle there were only so many times you can be hit before you give up fighting. 

“Right, so that was the girl you shag I’m guessing” Liam’s eyes widened a little not sure what this constant bombardment of a bad mood was in aid of.   
“Why does everyone seem to care who I’m with and what I do with them? First Niall now you.”

“Well maybe because you are doing it in front of everyone!” Zayn was screaming over the thumping of the music but still no one looked they were to caught up in the bright lights lost in another world entirely. 

“I don’t see why it matters what I did in front of everyone considering what you just did with Harry and the way you and Perrie strutted around!” Liam had never yelled at Zayn before but just then he did.

Zayn was about to respond but the words caught in his mouth. Perrie? Zayn had been with Perrie long before he even met Liam, so how the hell could he know or care about what Zayn did with Perrie? Before Zayn could ask as if on queue Niall and a dark skinned, curly haired girl pushed their way across the dance floor. Niall didn’t carry his normal carefree smile the one he wore now was forced and wavered. The girl on the other hand smiled carelessly a wide laughing smile filled her face and reached her eyes. The girl even did a little twirl as she reached Liam her body naturally tone and made for such an act.   
“Hey Danni” Liam whispered with a smile.

Niall came and placed himself beside Zayn awkwardly shifting and fiddling with his stupid snap back. Zayn didn’t hate Niall he really didn’t though he did think he dressed like a douche bag ninety percent of the time and wanted to slap the stupid snap back off his head. 

“Did you invite her?” Niall asked quietly to Zayn.

“Does it look like I invited her?” Niall gave a sigh and snatched a cup of the kitchen counter and downed it quickly before giving Liam an infectious smile that only Niall could be capable of.

“Come on Li lets see how good a dancer Danielle really is” 

He somehow managed to drag all three onto the dance floor and began swaying to the music pounding from the speakers. Liam was a little less comfortable dancing awkwardly hoping from foot to foot while Danielle spins and grinds next to him her hands weaving and stretching skywards. Zayn even caught himself staring thinking absentmindedly that she would be the kind of girl he would go for if he wasn’t so infatuated with the puppy dog eyed boxer. 

Zayn was never really a dancer and truthfully he felt stupid when he did it but he knew how to dance when the time came and he began to roll his body and move his hands like waves stretching up towards the roof. He even caught Danielle staring at him from the corner of his eye and went for it taking a few steps closer to her and hooking their fingers together she let out a little laugh making her brown eyes shine and used the other hand to pull Liam closer. 

“Your friend could teach you a thing or two!” Danielle laughed as she hitched her free hand at the back of Liam’s neck. 

“I’m sure I could” 

Danielle smiles and takes his Zayn’s hand moving out of the way and shoving him towards Liam, if Zayn believed in fate or chance he would have taken that as a good sign. Zayn looked at Liam and burst out laughing at his awkwardness.

“Just do what I do!” Zayn screamed over the thumping of the base drum. 

Liam watched Zayn’s moves carefully for a moment and slowly began to sway more loosely tipping his head back and beating his hands in time with the music. Zayn gave a smile watching him lose himself. Zayn wasn’t sure if it was Liam’s first time letting go or if he had this same childlike wonder every time he lost himself but Zayn found himself hypnotize if as if he had in fact been transported with him into some far away place that pounded and slammed with music and bodies. That was until Danielle shattered this by speaking.

“Where is the blond one?” She asked and Liam stopped quickly looking around his eyes tracing the crowd Zayn did the same but couldn’t see him.   
“Niall?” Liam questioned looking around again.

“Niall!” He repeated again louder.

“He probably just went to check out the rest of the party.” Zayn says nonchalantly.

“He would have said something. He isn’t the type to just ditch,” 

Liam tried to push through the crowd looking but still no sign of the bleach blond. Zayn and Danielle were on his heel pushing their way though the crowd of sweat soaked bodies. 

“You guys enjoy the party, I’m going to look for him.” Danielle paused as if still intent to follow but the dance attracted her like a moth to a flame and she returned to the dancers even swinging herself onto the table top of Zayn’s dinning room table pushed to the side of the room and began to dance with other girls who looked to old to be at a high school party. Zayn on the other hand would not be shaken off so easily. 

“I am going to help, you look down here I’ll check upstairs” 

“You don’t have to do that, it’s your party”

“I want to help” 

“You don’t even like Niall”

“I do. Our relationship is complicated but I want to help Li”

“But-”

“Stop being so damn stubborn I am helping you ungrateful moron” 

Liam gave him this funny offset glance reserved for those who weren’t supposed to be looking but Zayn saw it despite Liam’s efforts to cover this flicker of truth Zayn saw it.

“Thanks Zayn, whatever your reasons are that you are so hell bent on helping me find him, thank you.” 

Zayn just nodded and headed up stairs weaving his way threw people pushing past as they made their greeting with slurred drunken compliments.  
“Great party Z!” Yelled one of the boys from the boxing team midway threw trying to seduce a collage girl into one of the spare rooms. 

“Thanks, hey have you seen Niall?” Zayn asked hoping that someone had at least seen the Irish lad, he was fairly hard to miss. The boy furrowed his brow and shook his head.

“I can’t say I have, I saw two guys on the roof maybe he is up there” 

Zayn muttered thanks and walked towards his sisters’ room. The girls’ room had a good foothold in the side of the house it was probably the second easiest way to get on the roof other than the one from his room. His sisters’ room was closer so he decided to check there first though halted when he heard the moans and painting coming from the door left slightly a jar. No one would brave going into that room unless then wanted to burst in on an awkward moment. Zayn was about to try the door to his room when his phone vibrated in his pocket he looked down and saw a new text from Liam.

Ni left a message. He is at a bar. Not sure which one. Thanks 4 the help anyway. Good party but I have to find Ni.

Zayn felt a frown tug at his lips he knew that Niall had caught a lift to the party and would have had to walk to get to the bar. Zayn knew exactly where Niall was he was just dredging going there but he wouldn’t let Liam go in there alone. He looked down at the phone and texted back a reply.

Know where bar is. Meet me out front in ten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone thanks for reading! I am apologising in for the use of the word 'fag' because even though I don't condone it, it just seemed to fit under the circumstances. There is also some Ziam in this chapter which is always a breath of fresh air to write. I am also a little curious and to which you prefer Ziam or Niam because right now I could go both ways and really need your feed back.


	8. Shattered Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn and Liam and still looking for Niall when Zayn remembers something he wishes he could forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces.   
> \- Richard Kadrey

**September 6 th 1:45 A.M.**

Zayn stood outside being whipped by the constant onslaught of cold wind waiting for Liam to exit the party. He wasn’t sure where his puppy dog eyed boy was but he was getting tired of waiting the fresh night air biting into his exposed flesh. He was beginning to question why he worked so hard for Liam. This whole party had been for him just to leave and chase after Niall not to mention bring his girlfriend along to spoil his plans even more. Zayn had no idea what he was thinking when he used Harry to try and make Liam jealous. Liam wasn’t interested period and maybe he should resign to that fact but he can’t seem to shake this boy. He can finally understand Niall’s frustration after fighting for one person for so long and getting nowhere yet having some part of your heart hang on so tightly it was as if your soul was splitting itself in two.  

All Zayn could seem to do now days are worry. He had done everything in his power not to leave Harry on his own for long periods at a time because of what he had discovered. It scared the hell out of him that one day he may fine his best friend in pool of blood on the floor whenever he closed his eyes for long enough he would see it like an inevitable event it played itself over in his mind daily. Then he thought of Louis and how is addictive and firry personality was killing him he was set in his own self destructive ways in which Zayn had only bared witness to several times. Risking leaving Louis and Harry alone tonight would be a balancing act either they would help each other or destroy each other.

Amongst all this Liam was still the thing that kept him awake the longest he worried what Liam would think if he knew the truth and now that he did Zayn wished for a different reaction Liam’s indifferent was killing him.

That’s when Liam finally decided to show up, walking out of the party quickly casting one last look back at the party before shaking his head and coming besides Zayn.

“Hey sorry I’m late I was just- sorry” Zayn shrugs and begins to walk.

“It’s about three blocks this way,” He informs casting his glance backwards to see if Liam was still following, he was. Liam seemed strangely distant but Zayn didn’t bother calling him on it.

Liam and Zayn walked through the streets in silence the streetlight on the second street flickered a little as it always did and Zayn’s mind began to wonder as to how many times he had walked to the bar in the past. He remember the first night he had ever gone there with Louis two years ago a lot had changed since then.

**March 17 Two Years Earlier**

“Come on Zayn, everyone drinks on Saint Patrick’s Day. It’s like a tradition!”

Louis companied over his second beer leaning over across the tabletop.

“I can’t believe that you even managed to get served” Zayn shoots back staring outside to the flickering neon sign that simply read, _The Tavern._ When Louis had fond out that there was a bar within walking distance of Zayn’s house Louis flipped. He insisted that it was their right to celebrate and Louis wouldn’t do it alone considering both were under aged didn’t seem to waver his plan in the slightest. It seemed like everyone was getting served that night even those who looked two young to even pass as teenagers.

“Shut up Zayn and enjoy!”

Zayn inevitably ended up drinking, not as much as Louis but still it was way too much. He fond the room spinning a little but he didn’t even care. He caught sight of a very attractive girl standing awkwardly in the corner of the room. Zayn didn’t care about the girl. All he cared was that she was pretty, he was drunk and maybe they could be pretty and drunk together. He tapped Louis simply muttering,

“I’ll be back”

“Take your time” Zayn gave a small smile and crossed the room.

The girl puckered her lips on arrival and Zayn gave a cheeky smile. Her hair fell around her face in dark waves and her skirt rose a little too high up her thigh revealing more than most would have intended. She moved a little closer to him before she even said a word he knew she was up for it. Maybe it was the alcohol that had clouded his judgment. He decided to go for it he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. To his surprise she didn’t push away she simply drew him closer bringing their bodies together in a tangles mess of limbs. He though he could hear Louis do a wolf whistle from the far corner and smiled against her lips. He was enjoying himself a little too much when he was sent spinning backwards slamming against the wall with a thud. His eyes widened stunned.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” A large man with chiseled features and a killer glare asked pulling Zayn to his feet and lifting him up by the scruff of the neck.

“Having fun, what’s it to you?” Zayn spat back.

“You are having fun with my girlfriend hot shot” His grip tightened a little and Zayn smiled.

“She seemed to be having a lot more fun with me than you… dough bag”

Bang.

The mans fist contacted with Zayn’s jaw and he fell to the floor spitting blood but feeling nothing he stood again looking at the man square in the eyes and straitening his shoulders.

“That all you’ve got?” Zayn provoked.

The man swung again but he ducked to one side grabbing the mans hand and twisting it backwards he fell to his knees and Zayn gave a smile. He might actually have a chance he caught Louis gaze from the crowd and ran his fingers through his hair the side of his mouth quirking up. Zayn had only looked away for a second but that’s all it took.

He was sent flying sideward this time contacting something cold and hard flying straight threw it. He gasped in pain a throbbing sensation flying up his arm. He didn’t open his eyes terrified of what he would see.

“Zayn! Are you okay? Open your eyes for me mate come on!” Louis voice came from besides his ear.

Zayn opened his eyes tentatively looking down to see he was lying on the concrete outside The Tavern sticky red blood plastering its way up the right side of his body he let out a little sob then bit it back closing his eyes again. He had friends who had gotten into fights like this, always bragging about the rush and the thrill of a _good fight_ showing off their scars proudly. They had forgotten to mention how much it freaking killed to be thrown onto the content into shards of glass ripping apart flesh and skinning bones. Louis had called the ambulance quickly with trembling fingers having to admit that they had both been drunk. Zayn had heard that the owner had his license revoked for serving people under the legal age and that the place had closed down for about a year after that. Zayn never went back though that night had started something stirring within him.

 

**September 6 th 2:00 A.m.**

Zayn could see the flickering neon sign in the distance and knew that they where in the right place. It turns out the new owners renovated that place because it now looked a little less like a dodgy backstreet pub and more like a slightly decrepit looking bar not much of a step up but still. He turned to Liam who hadn’t talked the entire walk. Zayn was dredging going back to that place but the things he would do for Liam is almost ridiculous.

“Hey Li, can I borrow your jumper for a second?” Zayn asked not particularly cold but just wanting a way to cover his face not wanting to be recognized. The rational part of his brain told him that it was only one night two years ago and that there was next to no chance that there would be anyone their from that night to recognize him but he wasn’t taking chances.

“Oh… Yeah, sure” Liam shrugged off his jumped handing it over to Zayn who slipped it on. It was slightly big for him in the shoulders and smelled just like Liam a mix of sweat, cologne and a berry like smells that Zayn guessed, came from the shampoo he used. Zayn pulled up the hood and tentatively walked into The Tavern his eyes scanning the room. There were only about five people in the place not including that bar keeper and the other help none of which where Niall. Liam’s face fell but Zayn was determined to find the stupid Irish bastard if it killed him.

“Let’s to ask the bar tender if he has seen him, he is kind of hard to miss especially when he is drunk.”

Liam nods and they make their way over. First Liam order a drink that Zayn knows he has no intention of having considering Liam had never touched a drink in his life then casually brings up Niall.

“Hey, I was wondering if you have seen my friend around here. He is blond and Irish, he was probably here not that long ago.”  

The middle aged bar tender gave a sigh and leaned against the tabletop giving an incestuous look.

“Look, I see a lot of people I can’t remember where they all go”

“Don’t give us that bullshit this place isn’t exactly a hot spot right now” Zayn spat pushing Liam to the side and took a little swig from Liam’s beer letting out a gasp as the bitter liquid splashed against his tongue.

“Hey aren’t you that kid who went threw the window a few years back?” The bar tended teased and Zayn lost some of his bravado.

“Look did you see him or not?”

Zayn reaches in his pocket and pulls out fifty ponds placing it dangerously close to the tip jar.

“What type of establishment do you think we run here?” He shot back and Zayn gave a sigh knowing that this wasn’t going to be as easy as he though. He picks up the glass still half full and flinging it at the bar smashing bottles behind the tender, he jumped out of the way quickly and turned to Zayn a shocked expression on his face. Liam mirrored the same expression. Zayn’s fingers rose to his forehead where stray glass had backfired and slashed his flesh open.

“I can break more than a window buddy so just tell me what I want to know and we will go” Zayn’s voice was so harsh he startled himself.

“I left about fifteen minutes ago, okay? He didn’t say where he was going but I’m pretty sure he caught a taxi. Now can you two just leave?”

Zayn gives a smirk and spits, “Thanks”

He grabs Liam by the arm and drags him back out the door it is only when they are out on the street again that he shrugs off Liam’s jumped and hands it back to him.

“What the heck did you think you were doing in there?” Liam asks astonished.   
“Sometimes violence is the only way you can get information out of people like that Li”

“That is total bullshit and uncalled for and what the hell was he talking about you breaking a window?” Zayn starts walking back to his house trying to shake Liam off but he follows him.

“I don’t have to help you Liam, remember that?”

“As soon as I think you are letting me in you shove me away again, do you know how frustrating that it?” Liam speaks making Zayn stop dead in his tracks.

“Frustrating… me frustrating? Fucking fine then.” Zayn grabs Liam’s hand and drags it up his right forearm covered in ink and raises his eyebrow.

“You feel that?” Zayn asks as Liam fingers trace scare tissue.

“The first time I ever got drunk was at this place with Louis two years ago. I go in a fight with a guy and he threw me out the window, it tore up my arms and that’s why I have so many tattoos to cover them. Am I letting you in enough now Li? That’s why Louis wanted me to join the boxing club because it might have been the first time I got into a fight at a bar but it wasn’t the last. That’s why I barely ever drink because when I do bad shit happens” Zayn was panting and breathless. He pulled his arm free from Liam now and kept walking.

Liam jogged to catch up to him and grabbed his wrist to stop him. He pulled up the hem of his shirt revealing a trail of three long sliver scars from his hip to the bottom of his ribs.   
“When I was in middle school I was bullied. Not just a little either I mean like every day. I’m not sure why they picked on me but they just did. I got shoved into my locker and left there for a whole school day once before the janitor found me at like four in the afternoon. One day these guys’ two grades ahead of me followed me home. I was so freaked out I tried to climb this stupid tree to get away from them but they grabbed me by the leg and pulled me down. The stupid tree torn me up but then after that they beat me up. I tried to fight back and ended up having to go to hospital with two broken ribs and a fractured wrist. I wanted to know how to defend myself so as soon as I was better I joined the boxing club and learned to beat the crap out of them, they stopped bothering me after that.” When Liam was finished he looked down at his feet and blushed not meeting Zayn’s eyes.

“After that I didn’t want to trust anyone but Niall, that’s why I am worried”

Zayn gave a sigh and pulled Liam in close for a hug. This was an action he would normally reserve for Harry or Louis but it just felt right. Liam relaxed into it with a sigh burying his head into Zayn’s shoulder.

“He will be fine Li, and whatever was wrong with those kids who used to tease you just know one thing, whatever they said was wrong. You are perfect okay don’t forget that”

Liam simply gives a little nod in response.

“Whatever you have done in the past, Z it doesn’t define you. You are who you want to be, remember that for me, okay?”

“Okay”

“Zayn it’s almost morning you should go back to your party. I will call around a little then I’ll call you when I find him. Thanks for the help anyway.”

Zayn just nods and lets his arms fall to his sides.

“I’ll be seeing you Li.”

 

**September 7 th **

“I guess I will leave you two alone.” Liam says backing out of the room but before he lets the door shut he adds,

“Thanks Zayn, for everything last night. Thanks for listening and… letting me in”

The door shut and Harry looked up at him furrowing his brow wondering where the total three sixty from Liam had come from.

“What happened with him?” Harry asks curiously and Zayn shakes his head.

“That’s a story for another day Haz, today we are working out your problems”

Zayn pulls out his phone from his pocket and begins to dial still managing to keep one hand on Harry at all times.

“Zayn don’t” Harry murmurs but Zayn shakes him off.

“This is for me as well Harry. I think Louis genuinely needs to be given a piece of my min, and maybe get thrown out a window. Trust me it’s not as bad as you are led to believe.”

Harry shook his head not even bothering to ask how Zayn knew what falling out a window felt like because he was a little afraid of the answer. He watched Zayn push buttons on the phone and then put it on speaking sitting up a little. The phone rang for so long Harry lost count of the number of times. Then Louis voice rang in his ears and Harry cursed internally hoping that Louis would have never picked up knowing that as soon as he did Zayn was ready to rip him to shreds.

“Hello?” His voice had questioned Zayn’s voice was surprisingly clam. He was going for the soft approach at first.

“Hey Lou, just called to ask how you liked the party?”

“Oh yeah the party. I loved it! It was very… interesting” Zayn lost his good cop routine quickly after that.

“Interesting in what way? Interesting in the ‘I gust screwed me best friend’ kind of way? Or interesting in the ‘I totally screwed over and dissed _both_ my best friends’ kind of way?”

Harry opened his mouth to tell Zayn to take it easy on Louis but he lifted his finger to his lips as if to silence him. Louis didn’t answer for a long time not even making a sound aside from the occasional shallow breath.

“I… I didn’t _screw_ either of you over I never meant anything by it” Louis voice was shaky.

“Bullshit! You didn’t think that I would get offended? _Fag_ Louis really? Is that seriously what you have thought of me ever since I told you? Don’t even get me started with Harry! You are the biggest jackass I have ever met Louis Tomlinson I swear to god don’t bother calling him again, or me for that matter until you pull your shit together!”

Before Harry could utter a word of protest Zayn ended the call flinging the phone across the room smashing it against the back wall hitting the ground with a thud.

“Fucking bustard” Zayn cursed and Harry’s eyes began to water again to which he quickly reacted by scrubbing them away and taking a sharp intake of breath.

“Haz” Zayn whispered going back to his calm soft voice.

“Don’t worry he will get over this you just both need a breather, okay? He just needed a little firm words that all”

“What if it isn’t all he needs though? What if everything is screwed up for good now?”

Zayn was silent for a long moment just breathing not letting the words slip that where pressing against his mind.

“I don’t know Haz, I really don’t know.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have much more to say on this one... Enjoy??


	9. He’ll say Sorry before he goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two weeks have passed since the party and still Harry has heard nothing from Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I thought That I was learning how to live, I have-been learning how to die.  
> Leonardo da Vinci

**September 21 st**

Days passed and Harry heard nothing but silence for Louis. He hadn’t called or texted, nothing. Zayn’s words bit him to the core and echoed throughout his head maybe the sad fact was that Louis wasn’t coming back. Harry was the spec on his flawless completion that he aimed to remove. Everything was his fault and things began to go dark again. Harry refused to let it show but things were getting worse. Zayn never left him alone but Harry still managed to find time to hurt himself in the only way he knew how. Zayn had noticed once or twice but had barley commented instead that look of worry plastered itself onto his face now more than ever.

Harry and Zayn continued the charade of being together just for Liam’s sake. Nothing like the party but simply a small brush of the hand or a peck on the cheek enough to seem enduring and have no one question it. Most people didn’t even know they were together or faking being together anyway. Even the boys of the boxing team took it as the terms of endearments in there platonic relationship. Harry wasn’t sure if Zayn wanted to keep it up anymore because after the party he just seemed drained his whole demeanor leaving him a little sad and lonely. Though Niall seemed to be a little perkier again a smile constantly plastered on his face it had stared the day after the party. Harry still wasn’t sure what had happened yet there was a sudden shift in his attitude that he didn’t care to share with anyone. It was killing Harry to not know where he and Louis stood only knowing that wherever that was wasn’t a good place. It had been a whole two weeks since the day Louis left and when Harry woke that Saturday morning he finally planned to know where they stood. His only downfall was the lacking of a car. He had already covered for both that and the fact that Zayn would never let him out of his sight now days except if he knew someone was with him. The only other person Zayn had warmed up to leaving Harry alone with besides Liam and Niall was Michael, it turned out he had really meant it when he said that he would consider eating lunch with Harry again. The first Monday back after the party Michael had followed Harry into the cafeteria picking up a burger and chips moving threw and sitting down in the seat across from Harry beaming at him. Zayn had been a little more hostile glaring at Michael looking up from his sketchbook and asking,  
“Who invited the emo?”  Michael smiles a little casting Zayn a sideward glance.

“I don’t know burnout but it’s always pleasant to see you around.”

Needless to say Zayn and Michael were at two totally opposite ends of the spectrum but after Zayn saw the way Harry genuinely smiled with him he started to warm up to the guy. Harry had asked to borrow Michael’s car on Friday knowing the he wouldn’t ask questions considering that was just the type of person he was. It was also covenant because he could use this as an alibi. He had told Zayn he was spending the day with Michael studying for a history exam and Zayn hadn’t questioned him about it in the slightest simply giving him a smile and saying,

“Have fun with that Haz”

Zayn left things alone after that and as Harry took the short walk to Michael’s house he couldn’t help but wonder if Zayn had given it a second glance. His feet pounded on the pavement and he counted the streets until he finally arrived a block away from Michaels where his car a dark black sedan was parked. Michael gave a cheeky smile as Harry approached hopping out of the car and dangling his keys in Harry’s direction.

“Looking for these?” He asks simply and Harry can’t help but smile for the fact that even after all these years his best friend still has his back.

“Yeah, that’s for this. The car and covering for me and stuff” Michael smiles and shakes his head.

“No problem. You’ve always got my back so I kind of have to do the same in return, just don’t scratch the paint job.” Harry smiles slightly and takes the keys from his old friend but Michael keeps his hands fastened on the keys.

“Just promise me whatever you’re doing which involves me lying to Zayn isn’t going to get me killed for aiding and abiding.” Harry let out a short laugh and snatched the keys.

“I promise he won’t find out, I also promise that I wont total your car because I know you will make me pay for it.”

“Damn right I will.”

Harry step into the car his eyes wavering for a second slightly regretting the fact that he and his friend have grown so distant over such a short space of time, no mater what happens he still one of Harry’s best friends and right now Michael seemed a lot more dependent than Louis has ever been.

As Harry set the car to drive he shook the thought off. Harry wasn’t really one for positive thinking no matter how it came across to others he still worried he always thought the worst when it comes to other people, well more like he thought the worst in himself always believing that he didn’t deserve the people he had. He always believed that no matter how hard he tried there would always be a reason for people leaving him and he would never blame them. If Harry shows up at Louis dorm room and he flat out shuts the door in his face he would understand because despite everything he had happened between them Harry would never blame Louis for not wanting Harry to be there anymore. He wasn’t anything special and he was surprised that Louis wanted him as a friend anything more he got would have been a miracle. Yet he still felt the need to hear it from the tip of someone else’s tongue.

“You’re just not good enough”

“You’re not what I want”

“Why would you think I want you?”

“You mean nothing to me.”

“You are nothing Harry”

“Nothing”  

Harry’s fingers gripped the steering wheel so tightly they turned a ghastly white. He shut his eyes for a fraction of a second letting the winding road disappearing feeling free like the whole world disappeared, everything going silent, black, peaceful. Spinning out of control had never felt more calming. He felt the wheels of the car skid off the road his eyes shoot open and he flings the wheel in the opposite direction gliding back onto the road his head shooting back into clarity realizing just how close he had come to skidding sideways off the highway and flipping into a tumble role inevitably ending up face down in a ditch.   He tightens his fingers around the wheel again and pulls off to the side of the road taking an instant to pull himself together. Harry took several deep breaths and turned on the stereo to drown out the voices that bounced through his head. The sounds of Blink 182 came blasting threw the speaker and Harry couldn’t help but smile because it was classic Michael. This gave Harry some piece of mind just listening to the stupid blasting of guitars and base drum music, the classic punk pop blasting in his head reminding him of countless evening in which Michael and him would sit and blast music while pretending to do homework when truly all they did was flick through comic books and aimlessly hum along to the music. These afternoons resembled those that Harry spent with Louis different music but almost the same routine but Louis was different. Louis was always different to anything Harry had with anyone.

Harry couldn’t think of Louis anymore. Thoughts of him were poison on his brain. He pulled back out onto the highway just trying to concentrate on the road only letting his mind drift to the music and other less pressing thoughts like the studying lie. He would say it went pretty well all things considered though it was pretty hopeless studying because both him and Michael were terrible at history but they managed to fumble through. He also found his mind shifting to when he would really study for his history exam, he really didn’t give a damn what the causes of the second world war were but he really didn’t know enough material to write an essay about it.

Harry finally saw the collage campus letting out a sigh. He remembers Louis giving him basic directions to his dorm and the number from many nights ago back when they called each other every night. Back when things were still okay. Harry pulled up outside as _I’m lost without you_ begins to blast through the speakers and Harry bites down on his lip.

He walks down corridor after corridor counting silently as he goes.

167,168,169.

_170._

Harry exhales a little as he stands outside Louis door. He tugs down the sleeves of his lettermen jacket and fixing his wild curls. His hand extends and he knocks on the door. He pounds lightly once, twice, thrice and this continues getting louder and louder. Surely Louis couldn’t know that Harry was coming. Maybe he wasn’t there, but then again where else would he go on a Saturday? Harry was seriously considering turning around and leaving when an unknown voice, cores and panicked came from the other side of the door.

“Give me a minute!”

It must have been Louis roommate. He didn’t understand why there was such and urgent tone in his voice but Harry felt knots balling up in his stomach. Something wasn’t right. He wasn’t sure how he knew he just did. It was this unsettling retching feeling like he was standing on an edge looking over into a dark abyss.

“I’m looking for Louis,” Harry shot back still locked out in the empty hallway.

“He’s busy” He shot back quickly.

“Please he is my best friend I just-”

The door swung open and in the doorway stood a wide-eyed boy. His blue eyes so wide and childlike it didn’t suit his looks. Black hair straightened and brushing into his eyes, his classily pale English skin littered with tattoos and a piercing jutting out from his puckered lips.

“I just- shit I don’t know what to do. He just-”

The boy’s eyes are sparkling as if on the borderline of crying his lip trembling his eyebrows drawing together.

“He took so fucking many.”

Harry felt as if he had just fallen off the edge from where he was standing spinning into the darkness. The words made no sense in his ears just white noise. It was bad. His mind was screaming at him to understand but his heart was pushing for a different answer.

“So many what?” Harry’s voice broke he suddenly felt so utterly helpless.

“I-I don’t know. One minute he was fine then the next-”

Harry shoved the boy out of the way running into the small room. Two twin-sized beds occupied most of the space on opposite sides of the room. Lying in between was a crumpled body looking so small and childlike shaking violently. The door slammed shut and Harry turns back to the boy who is still quivering. Harry’s mind still isn’t working right nothing is clicking it is just a blur of events. He drops to his knees and crawls to where the body is doubled over itself in such an unnatural angle Harry feels the need to close his eyes. He sees his friend’s vibrant blue eyes rolling back into his head as he continues to shake. His mind is spinning him begging him to be calm, to think, to understand.

“Louis?” Harry’s voice is so weak it is almost impossible to hear.

Louis arm moves a little grabbing onto the cuff of Harry’s sleeve before going completely limp. The shaking stopping, everything had stopping his eyes shutting. Harry quickly scooped the older boy in his arms his already weak knees shaking under the pressure. He thanks god that Louis was small for his age because otherwise lifting him would be a semi impossible task. Harry looked over to his roommate who had now located himself to a sitting position in the very corner of the room trembling slightly.

“How long ago did it happen?” Harry the strength behind his voice surprising even himself.

“Just before you came”

“Can you call an ambulance or fucking _something?”_ The boy cringed as if he had been whipped.

“I c-can’t we will get k-k-kick out if they know”

Harry felt his jaw drop. He had never wanted to hit someone as much as he wanted to hit him right then and there.

“So you’re not going to do _anything?”_ Harry lost all the strength in his voice it now coming out as barley a whisper.

Harry let out a low growling noise in frustration looking to the far side of the room where another door sat.

“Is that the bathroom?” Harry asks urgently and the boy simply nods.

 Harry carries the Louis limp body though the door kicking it open with his foot to the bathroom. It is small and blindingly white. The tiles are cold and slippery making Harry slip several times before finally reaching the bathtub carefully lying down and pulling Louis body down on top of his. Harry wasn’t a doctor but his mind was finally beginning to work and he was guessing that it was an overdoes. This thought was shocking enough but Harry had to pull himself together and let his world crumble once he knew Louis was safe. The first think a doctor would do was a stomach pump, Harry was going to have to do the best he could with what he had. He brushed Louis hair out of his face pressing his lips to his friend’s temple for a fraction of a second letting his eyes close before whispering,

“Sorry Lou”

Then he maneuvered Louis forward and turned the tap on water from the overhead showed falling down on them making Harry shiver slightly. He cringed internally before guiding his long fingers into Louis mouth and down the back of his throat cringing as Louis eyes opened slowly glassy as he began to gag until vomit rose in his throat. Harry quickly removed his fingers and pushed Louis forward into the spray of the water coughing up vile colour liquid the water stream quickly picking it up and sending it out of sight down the drain. Louis continued to quiver more vomit rising coughing and spluttering over and over again until there was nothing left to rise up. He still sat there continuing to retch after that and all Harry could do was sit there in total shock not knowing what to do other than make sure he was still breathing. Everything seemed so incredibly fragile as if one move, one moment could shatter everything.

When Louis was finally done he leaned back onto Harry a horrifying sight with dark black under his eyes and a stream of blood trickling from the side of his mouth his looked utterly exhausted.   
“Haz” His voice came so weak it was less than a whisper, simply the ghost of an echo.

“Yeah, Lou I’m here” Harry’s voice came out red raw.

“I fucked everything up” Tears began to flow for both boys’ eyes.

“No you didn’t Lou, everything is going to be okay. Okay? Just stay with me please.” Louis eyes began to glaze over again.

“I’m so tired though” this time it was even weaker his eyes drifting shut but Louis fort to keep them open making them flutter.

“No Lou, you’ve got to keep your eyes open. Come on Lou, open you eyes” Harry was begging through tears his whole body shivering.

“I’m sorry” Louis eyes shut.

“Don’t you _dare!_ Don’t you fucking dare Louis Tomlinson”

“I love you Haz, you know that right?” In an instant everything froze. His words hung in the air of silence. Louis went still the water running down cold over his body. He had never looked so small as he did in that moment. Harry began to sob just as the bathroom door sprung open and two paramedics burst through the door dragging Louis from Harry grasp. Harry began to sob more violently his whole body quivering, his voice coming out as barley a whisper,

“I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I wrote this in a day so I hope it isn't too horrible but I just really wanted to get this chapter finished. There are still a lot of unanswered questions in this chapter that I will explore in the next one so I am going to have to leave you guys on a cliff hanger.


	10. The Skies Still There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis just overdosed, Harry doesn't know what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sky is full of dreams, but you don't know how to fly -The Killers

**September 21 st**

Harry couldn’t move. His muscles where frozen in a permanent state of shock. His arms wouldn’t move, nor would his eyes waver for the empty space he had been staring at of the past half an hour. He can’t cry because if he does that will mean everything was real. It couldn’t be real.

Harry hadn’t even noticed the still unnamed roommate slip into the small bathroom until he cleared his throat.

“I-um. I called the ambulance” His voice dragged its ways through Harry’s ears his brain taking moments to register the distorted sounds.

“I realized” Harry mumbles numbly.

“I have a spare bed if you want to stay, see what happens to Lou” Harry’s eyes finally shot to the boy, he was about to tear him apart for using Louis nickname the boy didn’t deserve to use it. This was his fault. Instead he remained silent for a moment longer.

“I am going to stay at the hospital”

“I could drive you” Again Harry shot him a killer look.

“No offence but I would rather get in a car with a drunk twelve year old than takes my chances with you.”

Harry stood from where he sat in the tub his cloths still damp from the water he tried to push his way past the boy but he didn’t move instead he stood in his way.

“Hey man I wasn’t the one who made his take all the drugs I just gave them to him” Harry let out a scoff.

“Because that’s a lot fucking better isn’t it? You didn’t kill him you just gave him the shit to do it!” Harry was yelling by the end surprising himself. He didn’t curse often but this rolled off his tongue.

It wasn’t that which shocked him though. What shocked him the most is that he had really said it out loud. He thought Louis was going to die. He practically did, several times. His face had been so pale it was practically blue as the paramedics took him away. Harry’s hands began to tremble with horror at the thought. What if Louis was dead? His last words to him would have been ‘I love you too’. Most people would be satisfied with that yet they seemed empty to Harry. He wanted to show it. He wanted to pour even inch on himself into Louis until he never felt the need to turn to his old ways. He would give Louis everything he had and still it would never be enough. Harry would never be enough to fix Louis because he couldn’t even fix himself.

“Everyone is killing themselves mate. Just in different ways. Everyone has their own weapon of choice. Death isn’t what everyone is afraid off they are afraid of living and that’s what kills them.” Harry paused not wanting to take in his words they were too much he just shrugged it off.

“I am going to drive to the hospital”

“You can’t! If you drive now you will end up crashing you car and if two people die because of me today I am going to start to question if my therapist was right about me having a destructive personality” Harry really, really wanted to punch this guy. Instead he pulled out his phone and shoved it in the boys face.

“I will call a friend to drive me now get the hell out of my way”

Harry shoved past him, out of the dorm room and into the hallway. He fumbled with numbers running names through his head. The first person he was going to call was Michael until he realized that there was no way he could get to Harry. There was only really one other person who it would be logical to call but he hated the fact that he was about to get torn apart all over again.

He scrolled through his contacts until he found Zayn’s number. It began to ring. He answered fairly quickly his voice sounding relaxed.

“Hey, Haz how is Hitler going?” Harry wanted to laugh but he couldn’t instead he forced out his voice trying to sound as calm as possible.

“Zayn can you come pick me up” He failed his voice wavering a little.

“Yeah Haz, what happened? Do I need to revoke the emo’s visiting privileges?”  Again he wanted to laugh but doesn’t have it in him he is just silent and Zayn seems to understand this as a bad sign.

“Harry? What’s wrong? Where are you?”

“I- I went to Louis dorm. I just wanted to see where we stood and-”

Harry breath caught he couldn’t breathe. The words wouldn’t come out.

“What happened? What did he do? Harry I swear to god I told you to stay away from him!”

“He overdoes Zayn” It was a whisper.

Silence followed from the other end of the phone. It was shattering, the silence. It was like something had sucked the noise out of the room and things would have appeared in slow motion except there was no other movement in desolate hallway except for the rise and fall of Harry’s chest. In those moments waiting for a reply, time didn’t exist at all.

After a long moment Zayn let out a sharp exhale of breath and suddenly there was clear noise in the background, the slamming of a door, the clattering of keys and the revving of an engine.

“I will be there as soon as I can.” He gasps and the line goes dead.

 

**September 23 rd**

The clock in the waiting room ticked past midnight and nothing has changed. The doctors say that in critical times only family can see him. Zayn does the horrible deed of calling Louis family. Harry wanted to do it but he couldn’t bring himself to breath. The moment Zayn showed up into the hallway Harry had broken down feeling the word crumbling down around him. Zayn tried to stay strong but on the way to the hospital Harry had caught sight of a single tear drift down Zayn’s cheek. Harry wanted to call him out on it but decided to stay silent instead he offered his a very small smile and whispered the words,

“Things are going to be okay Z,” He just wished that he believed it. He hadn’t expected Zayn to reply the way he had. More tears slipped from his eyes though he fort them, wiping them away as quickly as they fell giving a sad speech.  
“Do you know the first time I met Louis he was seven I was five. He was probably the most intimidating person I had ever come across at the time. That was until he actually came up and talked to me, do you know what he said?” Zayn was quiet for a minute letting out a little laugh.

“He said ‘everyone told me you are weird but I think you are different and different is pretty cool’ do you know what that was like for me? At the time it was like this kid was the sun, I followed him around like a lost puppy for days after. But then when his dad left he changed, he told me that he would always be the worlds biggest fuck up-” Zayn’s voice had broke his hands tightening around the steering wheel until they turned a ghastly white.

“He was twelve and he already thought so low of himself. I wanted to make him feel better but I didn’t know how. So I took him to this stupid tree house and we climbed onto the roof and just sat there under the stars for hours. His mother didn’t even realize he was gone she was just… broken. I told him that when it felt like the world was caving around you all you need to do is look up at the sky, the vast blackness broken by the twinkling lights points of hope to know that the world was still there. No matter how bad things seemed as far as the world was concerned nothing has changed. You can always get back to the way it was before as long as the world is still the same” By this point Zayn pulled up into the hospital car park his hands trembling violently.

“That was a pretty smart thing for a ten year old to say” Harry whispers and Zayn just smiles.   
“That what my mum always told me,”

Harry had leaned back in his seat neither of them moved they just stared straight ahead.

“The sky’s still the same,” Harry whispered and Zayn gives a short nod.

“The sky’s still the same”

They had been waiting outside Louis room for over an hour still only knowing that he was fighting. Time wasn’t even a measurement anymore it was something that passed both quickly and slowly all at once, so really did it pass at all? Harry wasn’t sure. He laid his head on Zayn’s shoulder not being able to cry anymore. Neither did Zayn. He just sat there quietly breathing in and out slowly pulling himself together again. It was several hours of numbness before a fairly young nurse with a gruesome expression painted on her face stepped out of the room looking at both boys in the waiting room.

“Are you Mr. Tomlinson’s friends?” She asked very formally and Harry’s heart began to sink.

“Yes” Zayn answered formally as Harry sat up strait.

“He is now in a stable condition and ready for visitors, though he hasn’t woken up yet”

“Is he going to be okay?” Harry asks immediately.

Her response is a less than satisfactory “Only time will tell though he is stabilizing.”

She moves out of the way so that Harry and Zayn can move through both holding their breaths. It wasn’t as bad as Harry had expected, he had been envisioning thousands of twisting tubs and monitors. In place of that was a small monitor in the far corner of the room. A tube that Harry guessed was the stomach pump had been removed and was resting on a cold metal tray. Louis looked unnaturally pale but other than that he could have been sleeping. He seemed peaceful and the though made Harry’s knees buckle. The last thing he wanted to think about was peaceful at the moment, nothing about that day was peaceful. Beside him Zayn let out a breath taking a step closer to Louis whispering so low under his breath that Harry knew it was intended just for Louis.

“Hey arse hole. You scared the shit out of me you know that? What would I have done without you?” Zayn’s words were playful yet soft as he pulled one of the seats to Louis bedside.

Harry follow this action pulling up a seat beside Zayn and waiting listening to little beeps go off from the machine every now and again. Every time this happened Harry would jump out of his skin clutching onto the bedside slightly.

Zayn fell asleep around five but Harry couldn’t sleep. Louis mother had showed up at six. She had only managed to stay in the room for about twenty minutes before she broke down her small frame racked with violent sobs. Harry had taken her outside, insisting that he would make sure everything was okay with Louis and inform her if anything happened. She still had to go to work and look after the girls, this Harry knew but it tore her up inside to have to leave.

“I promise I will make sure he if fine” Harry assured her and she pulled him into a tight hug.

“You are always looking out for him Harry, all of you boys. Thank you for that.”

Zayn woke up at ten and went to get both boys breakfast Harry didn’t want to leave Louis for long periods of time knowing he could wake up any minute.  

Harry sat in the silent room absentmindedly humming and taping his foot with impatience.

“Can you quit it? M’ trying to sleep” I quiet voice slurred and Harry sat upright leaning over the hospital bed to where Louis bloodshot blue eyes fluttered open weekly.

“Louis-How are you- are you in pain- I can call the nurse- you mum was her and Zayn is here and-” Louis let out a small laugh.

“Breath Harry. I’m fine, my throat kills but that’s to be expected… How did you get here?” Harry froze.  
“You don’t remember?” Louis furrowed his brow.

“I just remember taking a lot of pills with James and then… It was an overdoes wasn’t it?” Harry’s world was spinning.

“Of course it was an overdose Lou, what the hell were you thinking?”

“I guess the only reasonable explanation is, I wasn’t”

“You tried to kill yourself Lou.”

“I didn’t I was just-” Before he could finish Zayn burst through the door holding Star Bucks coffee in one hand and a tray of assorted goodies in the other including bagels, muffins and croissants.

“I stopped by the Star Bucks down the road the hospital food is unbelievably sh-” Zayn’s eyes moved to where Louis sat slightly propped up on his pillow, he almost dropped everything before righting himself and dumping the coffee and food down on a small coffee table. He looked genuinely relived for a fraction of a second before releasing the full force of his fury on Louis.   
“You fucking prick! Do you realize how worried we were about you? I told you to get your shit together not to try and commit suicide-”

“I wasn’t trying to commit suicide!” Louis quickly shot back his voice cracking a little.

“Well if Harry hadn’t shown up you would have! The doctors said what he did could have saved your life! What were you thinking? If you died, what would we do Louis? Shit” Zayn wiped away a stray tear that had fallen from his eyes scowling down at it. Louis eyes widened and glassed over a little.

“I thought you hated me… both of you.” It came out as almost a whisper.

“After all we have been through Louis to you really think I could hate you?” Zayn asked while at the same time Harry adds,

“We could never hate you Louis!”

This seemed to make Louis relaxed a little he let his head fall back onto the pillow.

“What did Harry do to save me?” Louis asks quiet now as if he was totally drained.

Zayn and Harry exchanged looks before Harry broke the stair looking down at his feet fiddling with his fingers not wanting to admit what he did so Zayn does it for him.

“Harry was going to talk to you when he found you having a fit on the floor. Your roommate freaked. Harry made him call the paramedics while he took you too the bathroom and made you throw up most of the pills.” Harry didn’t look up to see Louis reaction but he felt an arm grasp his wrist similar when Louis had been fitting. His touch so light it was almost indistinct. Harry met Louis eyes and held them a moment Louis eyes holding so much sadness and admiration his voice was a little dry when he responded.

“Thanks you, Haz. I mean I… don’t know what to say I was stupid, really stupid. Fuck I’ve done a lot of stupid things lately and I just wanted you to know that- I really operate it”

It was no I love you.

Harry was beginning to question if he had imagined it all or heard it wrong. It seemed like another one of his minds teasing tricks.

“It’s fine Lou. We’ve all been a little stupid lately”

“I wish we could go back to the way things used to be” Zayn adds a muffin stuffed into his mouth.

“I don’t. The way things were was better than the way things are now but they were still pretty shitty. I wish things were better than anything we have ever had.” Louis whispers letting his eyes drift shut slowly.

“That sounds like a good plan, to make things better.”

“The skies still there” Harry murmured.  

Zayn ran to the hospital window throwing it open and leaning out smiling as he turned and confirmed,

“The skies still there.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy guys!   
> P.s. It seems like 11pm is the writing hour. I am so tired but I got this publish you guys should be happy :)


	11. Feeling Whole

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis is trying to get better. So is Harry but neither of them are getting anywhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The friend Have you can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, Have you can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, Have you can tolerate not knowing ... not healing, not curing ... That is a friend who cares.  
> Henri Nouwen

September 24th   
Louis was released from hospital the next day. His mother took him home things seemed to work out for about an hour until the words rehab and acidic where being thrown around. There had been screaming, frustrated glares and lot of crying from his mother point. Louis had fled as quickly as he could only being let go under the previsions that he would spend the next month in town and he would be aloud to stay wherever he wanted. Or at least those were the terms he had confirmed to Harry when he showed up on his doorstep with his bags wearing his classic sideways smile. Despite this he had looked wrecked and tired without thinking Harry had agreed to let him stay. His mother on the other hand was a little more dubious about having Louis stay after his overdose but hadn’t let it show welcoming him with open arms. Gemma wasn’t home often now days since collage so she wasn’t concerned in the least with Louis taking her room for a few weeks. Once Zayn had heard about Louis staying he had instantly called Harry and made Harry promise Louis wouldn’t overhear them on the phone. Harry had commented on how odd the request was but Zayn kept insisting that it was important. Eventually he locked himself in the bathroom turning the shower on to drown out the sound conversation.  
“What is so important that I have to drown out our conversation like some kind of incognito spy?”   
Zayn simply scoffed.  
“You have seen way to many movies Haz. Look Louis went to you not me so I can’t be there with the three of you twenty for seven, you know that right?” Harry raised an eyebrow.  
“I know Zayn, no offence but I don’t need you with me for every hour of every day.”   
“That’s not what this is about and you know it. Harry I know what it’s like deal with Louis when he’s like this. He doesn’t just happen to get better especially not when you’re doing it like Louis was. The next few weeks are going to suck coming down is hard and I don’t know if you are prepared to handle it.”   
Harry made I sound at the back of his throat something between a scoff and a sigh.   
“So that’s what this is about”   
“What?” Zayn really seemed to have no idea what was going on.   
“You don’t trust me to look after Louis because you don’t think I am stable enough to do it and not break down myself”  
“I never said that”   
“You didn’t have to” Harry hisses before hanging up the phone.   
He let the shower run for a minute longer just staring at the water as it fell listening to the rhythmic dripping sounds. He knows he can prove Zayn wrong. 

September 25th- September 28th   
Louis was like a ghost in the house most days. If Harry didn’t talk to him it was almost like he wasn’t there. But Harry wouldn’t give Louis the chance of wallowing in his sorrow. He hated to admit it but he was doing to Louis was Zayn did to him. He kept him busy constantly whether it was asking him for help with his homework (even if he did understand the topic completely) or taking Louis out making sure he didn’t stay cooped up in his room all day. He seemed to be spending a lot of time stuck in his head and that was never good. He, Louis and Zayn went to the movies on Wednesday not sure what was on only knowing that Louis needed to get out after Harry had found him sitting on the roof gazing out at the sky. One day Harry might understand what Louis liked so much about looking out the sky but for now it was still a mystery.  
They ended up settling for a classic thriller film with not much storyline and a lot of action. Truthfully none of the boys really enjoyed it but it was a distraction. Louis even managed to laugh throughout and as they left the cinema he comments,  
“Next time let me pick the movie, that was horrible. I mean I get that Hollywood likes blows the laws of physics out of the water but serious did they just plan a bunch of action sequences and then write the script?”   
Harry laughed as well adding,  
“Well it was either this or a move night at Zayn’s watching The Dark Knight for the hundredth time this month followed by all the lord of the rings movies” Zayn pretended to act offended his jaw dropping.  
“Hey it’s better than watching Love Actually all year round” It was Harry’s turn to act offended.  
“It’s a classic Zayn!”   
“It’s a shitty holiday special Harold”   
All the boys burst out laughing. Harry should have notice that something was up, Zayn definitely should have. Louis knew something was wrong though because instead of grabbing something to eat after the movie like they had planned Louis refused saying he was tired. None of the boys really questioned this because he seemed fine, better than he had been in days. Zayn drove Harry and Louis back to Harry’s house and everything seemed normal. Louis wasn’t as distant as usual. After he showered he came in to Harry’s room and they both listened to music together and talked as usual while Harry tired to study. Louis hadn’t mentioned the party or the kiss or what had come after. Harry knew that this was Louis way of avoiding the issue, pretending it never happened the same as he did with the overdose not bringing it up unless someone else did then quickly changing the subject.   
Harry had stopped bothering instead filling their conversation with trivial business like Niall’s seemingly over joyous attitude now days or Liam’s strange distance. Louis would give his own input to conversation wondering out loud ‘why Harry didn’t just ask what was wrong’ then continuing to complain about the move, the actors and the overall plot he still seemed a little distant but he was trying. The sound of The Killers blasted in the background and Louis settled down into Harry’s bed. Normally this would be easy. The two of them sitting and talking in Harry’s bedroom but his mind kept flying to the last time they had shared a bed together for longer than several minutes. Louis seemed to be aware of this too. His eyes were dropping slowly as Harry continued to talk.  
“I really didn’t think the movie was that bad, I mean really what did you expect?”  
Louis made a small groan and Harry looked up from his textbook at Louis who was breathing slowly his eyes shut and Harry couldn’t help but smile a little. He shut the book setting it down on the bedside table and turning off the light. He somehow managed to maneuver the covers so they were covering both him and Louis without waking him up. Harry took a moment to enjoy the simple moment of lying together in the same bed with Louis no matter circumstances before he shut his eyes falling asleep to the sound of Louis uneven breaths. 

Harry woke to Louis shivering body clammy and sweaty. He was making small groaning noises. Harry instantly sat upright searching through the darkness for his lamp switching it on and causing light to cut through the darkness like a knife. His breath hitched when he was his friend pale and curled over himself clutching the covers desperately as if trying to hold himself together. He let out several moans still deep in sleep.   
Harry reached out and shook Louis lightly the older boys eyes flying open trying to sit up but Harry held him down steady.   
“Louis…” Harry soothed.  
Louis let out a sharp outtake of breath trying to cover his face with the pillow his hands trembling slightly.  
“Are you okay Lou?”   
“Fine” He forced through gritted teeth.   
“What do you want me to do?”   
Louis let out something that was meant to be a laugh sounding more like a ragged cough.   
“Nothing… you can… do” Each word had to be forced out as if even the simple act of breathing was hard.  
“Part of the process Haz… getting better”   
Harry’s green eyes widened looking at his friend and feeling helpless to help him as he shivered violently. He still wanted to do something. Harry stood up quickly going down stairs and wetting a face washer with warm water and boiling the kettle to make tea. He was back within ten minuets Louis was propped up with a pillow Harry placed the face washer on his forehead hearing Louis let out a sight and handing him a cup of tea. Harry lay down next to him looking up at the older boy.  
“Has this been happening a lot?” Louis shook his head a little.  
“Not really. Never this bad”   
“You’ve got to tell me this stuff Lou”  
“Why? There isn’t anything you can do it’s just how it is”   
“You seem to speak from experience” Louis glanced down at his tea silently tilting the cup from one side to another.   
“There are a lot of things I had experience with before I met you Harry”   
Harry took this information in not quite understanding the words. He titled his head to the side a little slightly resembling a lost puppy and a smile etched its way at the corners of Louis mouth.   
“What changed?” Harry asked still confused.  
“Everything Haz, you changed everything. You didn’t fix me but you made me want to be better for the first time in a long time”   
Harry responded next without thinking the words seeming to pour from his lips without him having time to pause.   
“Just after you overdose you said something to me… was it true?” Harry asked not meeting Louis eyes.  
“What did I say?”  
“You said you loved me” It was barely a whisper.   
Louis was a little too quick to respond.  
“Of course I love you Haz, you are my best friend” Harry cringed a little.   
“Not like that.” Harry whispered.   
“I… I don’t know what you want me to say.” Louis voice lacked any conviction at all.   
Harry stood running his hands hastily through his hair in frustration not knowing how Louis could be more frustrating. One minute he was telling you he loved you the next he was calling you his friend then he was telling you how you changed everything but he couldn’t tell you he loved you, for god sakes one minute he was screwing you and the next he was saying how utterly discussing it was.  
“I want you to pick a fucking side Louis. Don’t keep screwing me around! I have no idea where we stand. We can’t be friends who screw around because that is seriously screwing both of us up. You can’t say that you love me then say how discussing I am”   
Out of frustration he pelted his cup against the wall a loud shattering sound erupting through the silent house. Harry was surprised when his mother didn’t stir. Louis moved off the bed slowly crossing the room and pulling Harry’s face down so their eyes me his blue eyes glassy.  
“I never said you were discussing and don’t you dare think it because your not”   
Harry fingers began to tremble.   
“Oh really because that seems to be how you see me now days”   
Louis simply shook his head hopelessly falling back down onto the bed some deep inner struggle colliding just behind his eyes.   
“Do you know what my dad said to me when I told him I wanted to quick football and do drama?” Louis asks his voice blank. Harry simply shook his head wondering where the question had come from.  
“He said that ‘only fagots do drama and his son is not a fagot’. Guess what? He left two months later. I can’t… I just fucking can’t-” Louis voice cut out and he began to tremble more.  
“I can’t be that person”   
“It wasn’t your fault that your dad left Lou” Harry whispers sitting down next to Louis tears falling soundlessly down the older boys face.  
“How do you know that? My parents were fine until I came alone. My mum was so broken after he left…”   
Louis body trembles quickly now tears falling in a constant stream. Harry pulled the boy closer into his arms he stiffened a little before relaxing into it letting their bodies melt together his body racked with sobs.  
“Shhhh” Harry hushes his voice becoming very gentle.  
“It’s not your fault Louis. It’s not your fault”   
Louis sobbing started to stop slowly tears only falling slowly and silently now but he still trembled like a helpless child. Harry tried to brush the boys hair off his face giving him little comfort by nuzzling his face into the crook of Louis neck. It should have been considered too close but not tonight, nothing seemed to be to close and that seemed to be nice yet bitter at the way he was getting it.   
“I meant it” Louis whispered quietly.  
“I shouldn’t but I do. I love you, you make me different” Harry traced his lips against Louis skin and whispers,  
“Different good or different bad?”   
“You make me want to be better, try harder. I think that is better isn’t?”   
Harry let out a little laugh against Louis flesh drawing back surprising himself when he realizes that his own face is stained with tears.   
“If it’s better why are you so sad?”   
“Everyone is sad Haz. It’s just the way things are.”  
“I don’t want you to be sad”   
Louis reached up and ghosts his fingers against Harry cheek and whispered,  
“I don’t want you to be sad either” He whipped away a glistening tear falling from his cheek and Louis examined it a sad smile flickering across his face.  
“Do you think that some people are just born sad? Or do they do something alone the way to make their own life so horrible” Harry whispers.  
This time it was Louis who needed to comfort him pulling the older boy closer moving both of them under the covers. Both boys are silent for a long time just lying there amongst the sheets. They smell like Harry musky yet comforting and both let their eyes drift shut.   
“I think” Louis whispers into the darkness,  
“That sadness can only reside in a person for so long. Sadness is there to fill the hole that they are missing when a person finally feels whole there is no need for sadness”   
“How does a person get to that?” Harry asks   
“I’ll tell you when I get there.” Was Louis near silent reply.  
Harry switched the light off and they were silent until Louis began shiver again. Harry felt like cursing in frustration because nothing he could do, no matter how hard tried he couldn’t do anything for him. He was useless. He tried to move closer still wondering how far he could push before something snapped, both boys were venerable and a simple push would be enough to send either of them off the deep end. He draped one of his arms over Louis feeling fresh goose bumps prickling up from his skin.   
“Do you want my jumper?” Harry asks.   
Louis gives one nod. Louis never asked why Harry slept in both a jumper and tracksuit pants but Harry could tell he though it was a little odd by the way he looked at him the first night he had announced he was going to bed in them. Harry wouldn’t normally bother covering up for bed but with Louis in the house he couldn’t be too safe and consider the fact that all he wore now was loss Tom Man boxer and a thin white tee shirt Harry knew Louis needed something to make him warmer. He slipped out of bed and began taking off his jumper underneath he only wore a pale grey tee shirt. Everything was going fine until Louis leaned over and flicked on the light. Then everything was as far from fine as they could get.  
Both boys froze in an instant Harry didn’t even have a chance to react as Louis eyes raked up and down his body. Harry wasn’t showing much just his bare arms, small silvery scars tracing up and down his arms about a inch apart, some deeps cuts from several nights before resided on the inside of each forearm.   
Louis eyes widened his jaw trembling a little as if trying to find the words but coming up short. Louis reaction was different to Zayn’s in many ways Louis didn’t say anything. He didn’t demand answers he just sat there for a long time tears picking in his eyes. Harry finally found the power to move his limbs again pulling the blanket up against his body trying to shield himself. Louis let out a shaky breath. His hands instantly reached out for Harry’s arms his fingers gliding against the pale marks his eyes met Harry’s for the first time. Harry had never felt so helpless because the look on Louis face was so shattered as if his world had just come crashing down around him. Harry’s own green eyes sparkled wet with tears.   
“I…” Louis voice cracked.  
“Your… your arms. T-they are- what, I-”  
Harry didn’t have the heart to move away but he couldn’t look at Louis anymore his eyes pools of endless blue sadder that Harry had ever seen them before.  
“You did it to yourself didn’t you?” Louis’ voice was strained.  
“Yeah” Harry voice was barely audible.   
Louis hands now moved down to the hem of Harry’s shirt giving it a tug upwards but Harry instantly bolted away half falling half jumping onto the ground beside his bed. Louis was persistent he moved closer still remaining on the bed.   
“Show me” Louis whispered quietly still managing to have a stern tone to his voice. Harry says nothing though he feels his body begin to tremble.  
“Please Harry show me”   
Louis moves down to the floor placing both hands on either side of Harry’s shirt this time he didn’t move he just sat there as Louis pulled his shirt off slowly casting it to one side his eyes and fingers carefully moving their way around his body. He stopped we he got to the most resent touching it very tentatively.  
“What was this one for?” There is no judgment in his voice that is slightly shocking. Harry still couldn’t find the words to tell Louis that it was because he knew he wasn’t good enough for anything, not for his friends, not for his family and especially not for Louis.   
“It was because of me wasn’t is?” Louis asks as if reading his mind Harry can’t answer.  
“How many of these are because of me?”   
No answer.   
“How long have you been doing this?”   
“Almost three years” Harry covers his face in his hands and tries to shield his body.   
“Never again.” Louis whispers pointing to his scars,  
“Never do it because of me again… please”   
Louis gets up slowly walking towards the door Harry feels as if he is dying a little inside as he leaves.  
“Where are you going?” Harry asks hopelessly.  
“I can’t have you hurting yourself because of me Harry. I can’t keep hurting you because no matter how much I love you I will always hurt the people I love.”  
Harry was a crumpled heap on the floor   
“So you’re leaving? Just like that?” Louis didn’t even look back at Harry when he whispers,  
“Yeah. Just like that.”  
The door slammed and then Harry could hear the sounds of packing from Gemma’s room. Soon there was the sound of luggage banging down the stairs and the slamming of a front door. He was gone.  
Just like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :D (That was a kind of depressing chapter ending but you guys will have to wait it gets better I swear)   
> I made a kind of soundtrack for the whole fic so far because when I read or write I enjoy listening to music so maybe other people who read this do too. It has some of the songs mentioned in the fic and others are just ones that kind of remind me of it. Tell me what you think of the music and the chapter I always love feedback.
> 
> http://8tracks.com/redirisrose/feeling-whole-part-one-1


	12. Let go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is not okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to die without any scars.  
> ― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

**September 29 th**

Harry just sat there watching the sun slowly rise though the curtains. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed but he knew that sleep had deprived him. He couldn’t bear to move for fear of shattering. He was terrified that he would crumble because the truth was the shaky ground beneath him had just fallen. He wanted to cry or scream but nothing would come he was just washed over, submerged with the overwhelming sense of dread. He had to pull himself together. He couldn’t let anyone know and as he glanced over at the clock now seeing that it was a decent hour to wake he used ever last bit of his strength to pull himself together and drag himself out of bed silently stumbling to the shower only pausing once to glance at his reflection.

He had never once hated his scars. That might sound odd in hinge sight but the truth was he never had. Not even when he had to constantly hide them. They were like a map on his body telling a story of where he had been to where he is now. Every little horrible thought that had ever crept into his mind was written in some way or another on his flesh. There was a point in time where he would go as far to say, as he liked them. But now when he looked at them all he saw was disgust. He saw the way that Louis had touched the ugly marks so gently before he left and his skin began to crawl.

He hopped into the shower turning the water on a little too hot greeting the burning sensation gladly. He stood there for what seemed like hours until his flesh was no longer pale white but bright red and the water began to run cold. Then finally stumbled out going through his morning routine as normally as possible. It was only when he made his way downstairs meeting his mother in the doorway that he had to lie it came too naturally,

“Where’s Louis? I’ve been looking for him all morning. I can’t find his things anywhere.”

“His mum called, she was worried about him so he decided to spend the next couple of days at home.”  
“That’s nice of him” Was all she said before attending to her daily duties.

Harry quickly ducked out the door skipping breakfast because he had this feeling that if he ate anything he would feel like throwing up for the rest of the day and that was a discomfort he didn’t need.

Zayn’s car pulled up outside Harry’s and he felt like cursing again because that was just another thing he didn’t need. He couldn’t tell Zayn what had just happen because he would do one or both of the two things he dreaded. Confront Louis about it and never leave Harry alone. He quietly made his way to Zayn’s car sitting down in the passenger seat silently. Zayn put out his cigarette and raised an eyebrow.  
“Where’s Lou?”

“Inside” Harry didn’t look up from his hands.

“Why didn’t he say goodbye… like every other day?”

Harry had to think quickly. The quick fix lie he had delivered to his mother wouldn’t work on Zayn. Harry knew that much so he tried pry apart a good idea from his disagreeable mind.

“He’s just sleeping in that’s all” Another dubious eye raise from Zayn as if daring Harry to elaborate.

“He wasn’t feeling well last night so I let him sleep in. Is that okay with you?” Harry didn’t mean to add the snide remark at the end but today was already shit enough without playing twenty questions with Zayn.

“Why didn’t you call me Haz? How bad was it?”

Even though Harry hated Zayn’s constant pestering he let out a sigh internally because that meant Zayn believed him.

“I didn’t want to bother you. Lou said it himself there was nothing we could do it was just the chills I made him tea and heated a wash cloth it was fine.”

It wasn’t necessarily a lie.

“So you stayed with him the rest of the night?”

“Yeah… so?”

“Nothing happened?” It was Harry’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Why is that any of your business? No offence A but you are starting to take this fake boyfriend this a little too seriously.”

Zayn let out a little scoff pulling out of the Style’s driveway twisting the wheel in one swift jerk. Zayn’s car was roomy a sleek midnight blue polished to absolute perfection. Zayn was almost as obsessed with his car as he was with his hair or Liam. Despite the pinecone air fresheners it reeked of cigarette smoke and just generally the smell of Zayn. Zayn’s jaw was clench held awkwardly in his mouth as if he were chewing his words before he said them.

“Look Haz, I care because you are my best friend. I know I don’t act like it most of the time. I know I am an arse who likes to use people and push them away but you and Lou-shit even Niall and Liam, you’re all I’ve got. So that’s why I get freaked out when this type of shit happens I don’t know what I would have done if something had happened to Lou that day, I was so scared and all I could think about was what it would do to you. If I lose one of you I will lose both of you because no matter how hard you both try to deny it there is something between you and I am so fucking scared that it’s going to screw both of you up.”

Zayn finally paused to take a breath his face flushed his knuckles turned white from where he had been clasping tightly on the wheel. Harry hadn’t noticed until then how fast they had been going both barreling down suburban street areas at alarming speeds to rival that of streetcar drivers. Harry hadn’t realized that his eyes were watering until it was too late and a single tear slid down his cheeks. Zayn was to busy trying to recover himself to realize it.

“You’re wrong” Harry whispered.

“What am I wrong about?”

“There isn’t anything between us”

Of all the things that Zayn could have done he laughed.

“What type of fantasy world are you living in kid?”

_Kid,_ Zayn hadn’t called him that since the first day they met and he couldn’t help but feel a pang in his chest.

“There isn’t Zayn. I don’t know what makes you so deluded as to think he would want anything to do with someone like me.”

“Don’t you dare” Was Zayn’s reply.

“Don’t you dare talk about yourself so lowly Harry you can’t see the way he looks at you from the first fucking moment you two met under that stupid cherry tree. Just the way he looked at you, it was like someone seeing the sun for the first time. He was completely in awe and he hung of your every word. As soon as he was you were cool with the drama thing then with you doing woodshop it was like he was sold the moment he met you and the way you talked about him even before you met him it was kind of crazy.”

Harry’s thought were running past so quickly he barley had time to grasp the idea’s in his head. He couldn’t help but see the younger boy under the cherry tree who laugh had sounded though the air so sweetly it was engrained in his mind. He saw the boy with the ceramic smile kicking goal after goal for the championship win all the while throwing glances into the stands to make sure Harry was watching. He saw the boy who stayed up all night with Harry making him help with line rehearsals for senior play. He saw graduation and paper airplanes, stars, drinks, lips and just plane Louis. He also saw him leave pain in his eyes slamming the door. He saw the boy who called him a fagot, who said he could never love him because it just wasn’t right.

“You’re wrong” Harry whispered again.

“If the way you look at each other really meant love than what happened between you and Liam? When you walk into the room he instantly starts smiling. When he talks it’s like you can’t see anyone else in the freaking world, just him. When he saw us kiss didn’t you see that flicker behind his eyes the way he just couldn’t understand how he didn’t see it before? He looked hurt. If the way you looked at someone, if the things you didn’t say mattered more than the things you did then why aren’t you two together Zayn? Because it doesn’t matter how you feel about each other, all the movies and the books are milking this idea of romance that doesn’t even exist it’s total bullshit!”

Zayn’s face was so shocked as Harry’s outburst. He had finally snapped just like that. Harry was normally a romantic, they type of guy who believed in saying I love you without expecting to get it back just to make the person feel special, the type of guy who would make breakfast in bed and believed in sleeping with someone all night without expecting anything other than body heat, no sex required. But as the words poured out of his mouth rang true. Like they had been brimming under his subconscious for a long time. Zayn still in total shock pulled the car over near the side or the road killing the engine looking at Harry his brown eyes wide.

“What’s wrong Haz?” His voice still soft and a little tired.

“For fucks sake Zayn you don’t get to do this!”

“Do what Harry? Be concerned for you?”

“Yeah! I am treating you like shit and you are acting like we are having a fucking tea party!”  
Harry wasn’t sure the last time he had swore so much in such a short space of time. He unbuckled his seat belt and swung the door open, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and beginning to walk away. He heard I pair of feel quick to follow his own. Spinning on his heels Harry was again face to face with his friend, both boys where so close to tears it almost looked like a break up scene in one of Harry’s sappy movies.

“Harry just tell me what the hell happened, I can tell something is wrong I just want to-”

“You know what is wrong Zayn? You wont leave me the fuck alone that’s what’s wrong!”

This time when Harry stormed away Zayn didn’t follow he just stood frozen, totally shocked. Harry didn’t know where he was going he just wanted to get away from everything. The though crossed his mind that he should go to the park to the stupid cherry blossom but decided that this would be the one time where going there would fix nothing so instead he just walked, he walked until his feel were sore and his phone began to buzz. Cringing he looked down at the phone hopping it wasn’t Zayn not sure whether to let out a sigh of relief of a cry of frustration when he read his fathers number he cringed again as he checked his voice mail.

“Harry, it’s you’re dad. Anne is working late today won’t be back until tomorrow late afternoon. Seems your friend left early she wanted me to pick you up a few days early. You probably won’t get this until after school. I am picking you up tomorrow after school so get packed, I’m looking forward to seeing you kiddo.”

Harry hated the relaxed tone in his voice making it seem as if they were the perfect father and son. That it was like they talked all the time maybe went on stupid family vacations and did things like fishing or golfing or whatever the hell his father liked to do.  From the brief time Harry had spent with his father on the holidays all he knew is that he liked sushi (because he seemed to serve it almost every night) and had a horrible taste in woman brining home slag after slag that didn’t stand up to being even half the woman his mother was. His father didn’t really like music and every time Harry would turn up the car radio or switch it from his ‘information programs’ he would shoot Harry a disapproving glance. Harry put his phone back into his pocket and let out a sigh.

 

Somehow Harry ended up home. He couldn’t go to school no mater how hard he tried to convince himself it wouldn’t be that bad he just couldn’t make himself do it. From the moment he stepped into his room he regretted it. Everything in this room was painful from the bed where he and Louis had spent so many days to the stereo system which still held Louis copy of The Killers album, Harry couldn’t remember which one it was all he knew is that it was Louis favorite because when _Mr. Brightside_ came on he would always get this really lopsided smile before singling it at the top of his lungs. Then there was the window from many midnight rendezvous and night’s off climbing onto the roof looking out at the stars. The inside of Harry’s closet where Louis had carved his initials smirking at Harry while adding,

“Now you can’t get rid of me no matter how hard you try.”

It was hard to believe that that was one of the first times Louis had ever gone to Harry’s house, they were already so close even back then. Harry couldn’t get rid of him because he was everywhere though he wished he could. Just forget any memory of Louis, that was like wishing to forget happiness. Harry had never felt so free, so happy as he had after he met Louis and the others wishing them away was like wishing away his life but in the back of his head voices began to nag away at him telling him how he didn’t deserve them anyway. Harry tried to keep himself distracted by packing for his dads grabbling random pairs of cloths and throwing them into his bag. He had left a few things at his dad’s house enough to make it seem like he actually lived there so his father would at least pretend he had a kid when he was trying to impress one of his many mistresses.

Harry paused when he got to the bathroom. He had intended to get his toothbrush or maybe he hadn’t really. Maybe the subconscious urge was too much for him. It was getting dark outside and Harry felt so alone knowing he was the only one in the house, he and Zayn were fighting, Louis was gone so no one would notice what Harry did.

Harry picked up the razor from its hiding place beneath the sink admiring its sleek sharp blade. All the things he had been holding back, all the thoughts he had been pushing back came flowing out gushing in sharp torrents.

_No one cares about you Harry._

_Why would they?_

_Your nothing._

_No one wants you Harry._

_Zayn just feels sorry for you that’s why he stayed so long._

_But even he left._

_Louis left you as soon as he found out how screwed up you were._

_He didn’t want you even before then._

_No one wants you, not Louis, not Zayn, not Liam or Niall._

_They don’t care about you._

_Your dad didn’t want you. You are a tool for him._

_Your mum just puts up with you._

_Lets face it your not as smart as Gemma or have as many friends._

_Why don’t you have friends Harry?_

_Because you are nothing._

_Nothing._

_How could anyone love you?_

Harry wasn’t sure how it happened, how any of it had. The thoughts had poisoned his mind spreading over him until all he could think was _deeper, deeper_. There was a point he could have almost felt the blade scrape bone. He did this over and over no longer able to think about any.

_Deeper. Deeper._

_Again. Again._

For half a second there was nothing just a small scrape across his skin. He swore he held his breath just waiting for the blood to rise. At first it came slowly as it always did little bubble breaking their way to the surface but this time it didn’t stop there. It was coming down in streams of scarlet. He had never thought blood was so red until it spilled from his skin. Harry grabbed the hand towels quickly rapping one wrist in each. It normally would stop by now. It should stop. But it didn’t.

Streams flowed down turning the once white towels red. He felt a sob escape his throat red raw. He trembled his breath becoming shallow his vision starting to blur. Was he dying? That was a scary question. It was even scarier when his brain automatically came up with an answer, _yes._

Things had come full circle. He was going to die and he still couldn’t shake the blue-eyed boy not that it mattered anymore.

_He will never be yours_

Harry fell to his knees on the tile floor. Maybe he wanted to die. That thought scared him so violently that he immediately knew even though his groggy state of mind what he needed to do.

Harry reached for his phone one hand still holding a towel tight around his wrists. It had been white mere seconds before now red as sticky with blood. He had to call Zayn. He had promised him if anything went wrong he would call. Harry was proud and had waited until he was bleeding out on the bathroom floor to call after the way he had treaded him today he wouldn’t be surprised if Zayn didn’t answer. Harry wasn’t even sure what time it was after all he had been threw he had lost count of the hours. Zayn picked up on the third ring his voice sounding utterly pissed.

“Do you have any fucking idea what time it is Styles? You better be calling to apologize or I really don’t want to hear it.”

Harry took a short intake of breath the edge of his vision becoming very blurry.

“Remember when you told me that if I ever felt like… doing what we talked about that I would call you?” Harry’s voice sounded scared and hoarse that of a child.

Silence on the other end of the line and Harry began to worry his vision was starting to blur and fade more quickly. This time he had gone too far.

“Harry, what’s wrong? What happened?” Zayn’s voice took an urgent tone all the bitterness forgotten. Harry cringed taking one last look down at his butchered wrists wondering how he had let himself go so far.

“I just lost it and… and I’m scared, there’s so much blood.”

Harrys voice cracked and his body trembled all over. Zayn wasn’t answering there was just silence. Harry felt like crying. Tears pricked in his eyes and he tried to prop himself into a sitting position.

“Zayn are you there?”

“I’m in the car right now Haz just talk to me okay? How bad is it?”  The sound of a revving engine could be heard through the phone.

“Really bad Zayn I’ve tried everything but it wont stop. It normally stops but it wont”

Harry let out a sob this time letting tears fall quickly.   
“Where’s Louis?” Zayn’s voice is urgent still.

Harry doesn’t answer.

“Harry! Harry are you there? You’ve gotta stay awake for me please!” Zayn gasps.

“He’s not here.” Harry whispers everything was going black it didn’t even hurt, not really it had stopped hurting at that’s what really scared him.

“Where the fuck is he?”

“He left.” It was barley a whispered.

“I’m going to call an ambulance Haz, okay?”

“No” Harry said immediately.

“Harry I have to please without them you’ll-” Harry could hear a distinct sob from the other end of the phone breaking Zayn’s words.

“I think I’m too far gone Z. Just want you to be… here.” 

More sobs.

“Five minutes Haz, I’ll be there in five minutes just hold on please.”

Harry mind was beginning to clear and he started to loosen on the towel his eyes drooping.

“I’m sorry for what I said Z. I didn’t mean it. If… if Liam is too- too blind to see it, you make him see. Don’t blame yourself for this you have been, _so_ good to me. If you find Lou make sure he’s okay. It isn’t his fault either. Tell Liam and Niall I am going to miss the two knuckleheads and that Ni is going to have to eat enough crisps for both of us now. Oh and tell Michael that it’s just like summer camp. He’ll- he’ll get it and my mum and sister- god I love them and I’m sorry and-”

“Stop Harry! Fucking stop it! I’m almost there I swear to god just give me a second please hold on, just keep talking to me.”

Blackness took over and Harry let his eyes drift shut letting his wrist go knowing now that it was worthless. He just let go for a second.

“Harry?” Zayn’s voice held alarm from the other end of the phone.

“I think I’m happy, Z” Harry whispered then let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #CLIFFHANGER 
> 
> Enjoy :D


	13. A Fault In Our Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Harry going to be okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt- John Green

**September 30 th**

**12:50 am**

The line suddenly went dead and Zayn was left clinging to his phone in one hand and the steering wheel in the other.  Normally he would be smart enough not to talk on a phone and drive or to drive so fast at night cutting every corner and red light his mind making a map of the shortest possible distance to Harry’s house. He jerked the wheel again biting down hard on his lower lip the taste of blood springing into his mouth the tangy, metallic flavor dancing on his tongue.

“Harry?” Zayn desperately called knowing that this time his friend would not respond. Still he held out for an answer that would never come.

He stuck his foot down barreling around the last corner and skidding to a violent stop half in the Styles driveway, half on the front lawn a small shrub crushed under the wheel of his car. He felt sorry for the poor thing deep scratch’s raking there way down one side of the car. He gritted his teeth for a moment before running into the house. _It was fixable._ He reminded himself thinking of Harry, he on the other hand might not be.

Zayn burst into the living room taking a quick look around before darting upstairs. His first thought was to check Harry room. As soon as the door swung open the stench of blood greeted him. Zayn fort the overwhelming urges to cover his nose and run out bile rising in his throat. With a quick survey of the room he realized that Harry wasn’t there either but he had to be close the blood smell tickling the inside of his nostrils. Quickly his eyes met the door to the adjoining bathroom. When he flicked the door open his heart sank his own blood boiling and his heart beating quickly sending his head into a spin.

Next to the skink Harry was crumpled in an awkward ball half hunched over himself, two bloody towels lay either side of him. A scream mixed with bile rose in Zayn’s mouth tears quickly springing to his eyes. For a fraction of a second he dared to look down at Harry’s wrists deep lines cut over and over again still seeping blood slowly. Zayn fell to his knees besides his friend shaking him a little tears now spilling over the rims of his eyes making the scene blur.

“Haz” He moaned helplessly bringing his fingers to the younger boys neck letting out a sob when he felt the slow uneven beat of a pulse beneath the skin.

He fumbled in his pocket for his phone dialing 999 quickly the voice on the other end was a slightly high-pitched feminine voice.

“Hello emergency services, how can I help you?”

“Hello, it’s my friend he’s lost a lot of blood and it won’t stop bleeding. He’s got a pulse but it’s so weak and-” Violent sobs escaped his throat.

“I don’t know what to do”

He quickly rattled off the address then let the phone slid out of his grip not bothering to hang up. He grabbed the two blood soaked towels making into a tourniquet around Harry’s mangled wrists trying desperately to stop the bleeding. Harry’s eyes remained shut. He just lay there in silence. Zayn pulled the younger boy into his lap cradling him, pushing his blood soaked hands through Harry’s curls.

“You are going to have to stay here for me Haz, you are going to stay and I swear to god when you wake up I’m going to kill you.”

They remained like that for several minutes he couldn’t bare to move even when the paramedics entered the room he was so out of it they had to pry Harry from his grip. Zayn burst out sobbing again never knowing he was the kind of person to cry until now. One of the less experienced paramedics pulled him off the ground and guided him down the stairs and to the front of the house leaning him against the ambulance as they slowly wheel Harry down the narrow stairway and though the open door on a gurney. Zayn didn’t know the exact words the paramedic said to him there was something about being in shock but he couldn’t make sense of it. His breath was shallow as if someone was sitting on his lungs as he watched them place his lifeless friend into the ambulance.

“Where are they taking him?” Zayn sobs as it begins to drive away.

“To the hospital, you have done everything you can for now-”

“Zayn?” A familiar voice interrupted the paramedic and Zayn looked up his eyes meeting those baby brown eyes he had been admiring over the past year. Those were the eyes he so often found himself getting lost in. Those were Liam eyes.

He was sweaty and sticky his exercise cloths hung loosely around his fit body.

“Li?” Zayn exhaled.

Liam’s eyes were wide with panic he rushed over to Zayn placing his hands on either side of his shoulder as if to steady him.

“Zayn are you okay? What’s going on? I was running then I heard the sirens- you’re covered in blood” Liam was speaking a little to quickly for Zayn’s mind to proses.

“I’m sorry sir but unless you are involved in the matter I’m going to have to ask you to le-”

“He’s my friend” Zayn spat quickly shooting a killer look at the younger paramedic, she cringed under his gaze her small frame sinking into itself.

“You can go now. I will be fine on my own, Liam and I will drive to… to the hospital” The shock seemed to be wearing off because he had his usual cocky demeanor back. She left soon after.

Once the second ambulance pulled away Zayn couldn’t bare to look at Liam knowing that his eyes were red raw with tears, knowing that at any moment they could start up again.

“Zayn are you hurt?” Liam’s voice came worried yet calm well more soothing really.

“No” Zayn’s words lacked any emotions or convictions.

“What happened? Where’s Harry? Is he hurt?”

Zayn was trying to put himself together. Everything was going to be okay. He couldn’t cry in front of Liam, he couldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. Yet still defiant tears spilled down his cheeks and he felt his knees buckle. Liam was quick to catch him grabbing him and pulling him into his arms holding him tightly as if holding him together. Zayn could finally breath. It was Liam, his smell, his cloths his skin. It was the anchor pulling him back to earth.

“I knew Li. I fucking knew. I knew this was going to happen. I knew he was in a bad mood and I let him go. This is all my fucking fault. There was so much blood Liam. I’ve never seen so much.” He was trembling against Liam’s sweat soaked tee shirt knowing to him what this would seem like. Liam still believed the totally insane lie that he and Harry were dating. He was the broken hearted boyfriend who got into a fight with his partner and was now blaming himself. In Liam’s defense Zayn seemed to be fitting the stereotype perfectly. Zayn hated to lie to Liam but now wasn’t the time to clear it up.

“It’s not your fault Zayn…” Liam whispered pathetically trying to pull some of the weight off Zayn’s shoulders. Despite this he still blamed himself.

“Look babe tell me what happened on the way, I can take your car and drive you, there is no way I’m going to let you drive by yourself tonight” Zayn almost let out a sigh the word ‘babe’ rolling of his tongue sweet and sounding just right Zayn wanted to revel in the moment for a second.

“Why were you running so late at night?” He said the thought as it popped into his head.

“It just… It clears my head. Now come on can I drive your car or not because mine is about six blocks that way”

He pointed down to one end of the street. Zayn’s first instinct was to say _no_ because no one is ever aloud to drive his car. Even with its new scratches raking up the sides it was his baby. But then against in a way so was Liam.

“Fine.”

 

On the way to the hospital Zayn informed Liam of the basics wishing he would stop crying. At least he wasn’t sobbing anymore, just silent tears that sleeked down his high cheekbones. He told Liam how he found out Harry self harmed and how he had known for a while now making him promise that if anything bad happened he would call him. He also told him how Harry seemed off and how they argued though he didn’t tell Liam exactly _what_ they were arguing about then said Harry just stormed off, he should have known something was up.

After finishing his story his hands shakily grabbed a smoke from his back pocket and lit it up taking in with one quick drag letting out a sigh of relief breathing out the smoke winding down the window puffing out O shaped rings into the night.

“Why do you smoke Zayn? It’s killing you. You know that? You are a good boxer and I’m pretty sure you could be great if you didn’t get so short of breath after a match.”

Zayn sighed and shook his head. “You wouldn’t get it”

“Try me”

“It’s a metaphor.” Zayn laughed though tear and Liam raised an eyebrow.

“Did you just quote _A Fault in Our Stars?”_

“Are you admitting to reading it?” Both boys were silent for a moment.

“You’re the only one who gets my references, you know that?”

Liam took the next left. The hospital was approaching on the horizon and Zayn felt his heart sink.

“Did you know, my uncle hated smoking. We were really close, him and I. My dad has never really got me but my uncle… he did. For a while my dad smoked when I was like twelve and anyway my uncle died in a car accident that year, he had given dad this lecture about how he was killing himself. But in the end he ended up dyeing, this guy who hadn’t even touched a smoke or alcohol in years and he just died. It doesn’t matter what you do Liam, everyone is going to die.”

There was silence in the car and Liam pulled up in front of the hospital leading Zayn to the front desk exchanging several hushed murmurs with the lady behind the counter then leading Zayn one way.

“He is in the emergency department. Now we just need to find it.” Liam informs looking totally clueless Zayn could almost laugh.

“It’s just around here in the east wing. I’ve been in here enough times. Plus Lou’s mum works here or at least she did I haven’t seen her in so long… shit I’ve got to call Louis, and Harry’s parents. Oh god… their… they’re going to freak.”

Again Liam brushes a comforting hand on Zayn’s shoulder.

“I’ll call his parents you call Lou.”

Zayn nods once looking down at his phone. He has Louis on speed dial quickly calling and listening to the endless ringing of the phone. It just kept ringing and ringing but no one answered. The answering machine kicked in,

“Louis here. I can’t be bothered to answer my phone, leave a message.”

The beep sounded and Zayn sighed in frustration.

“Louis pick up your fucking phone this is really important”

Zayn hung up and redialed again, same result. He texted repeatedly careful not to let too much slip worried Louis would freak out completely.

**_Louis we need to talk._ **

**_Call me back you knob._ **

**_Louis this is important._ **

**_Something happened._ **

**_ANSWER YOUR FUCKING PHONE._ **

Liam tapped on Zayn shoulder making him spin around quickly jumping.

“Any luck?” Liam asks.

“No he still isn’t picking up. What about you?”

“I got a hold of Harry’s dad. He is totally freaked I tried to calm him down. He just said he would be here as soon as he could.”

Zayn sits down in an empty chair outside the emergency room running his hands threw his hair only then realizing they were covered with crispy dried blood now a blackish colour so were his cloths. Again his hands began to tremble and he covered his eyes for a moment.

“They won’t let us in will they?” Liam asks trying to distract Zayn.

“No. They wont let you in until he goes to ICU and even then it could take a few hours after that.”

“Do you want me to… to stay?”

Zayn pulls his face out of his hands looking at Liam’s big brown eyes widened and still as innocent as the day he first saw him. Zayn wondered is his eyes would always be like that. He wondered if Liam’s eyes would ever lose their innocence. Something stirred inside Zayn a kind of protective instinct that he would make a promise to himself that if he could help it Liam would never lose that.

“Yeah… please. Please stay”

Zayn places his hands on Liam’s thigh wondering what has possessed him to be so forward considering that after all the months fantasizing over Liam he had never actually made a gesture even as small as this. He couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if Harry really did die, right then and there. In a room three feet in front of him Zayn shuttered at the thought curling his fists into tight balls. That time Liam made a move placing his hand on Zayn’s closed fist smoothing it over making him relax.

“Things are going to be okay” He says it with so much conviction Zayn almost believes it.

“How do you know Liam? I’m so scared it hurts… I’m scared that he is going to die and I’m going to lose everyone. It’s fucking painful”

“That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt”

A small smile creeps onto Zayn’s face as he asks,

“Did you just quote _A Fault in Our Stars?”_

“Are you admitting to reading it?”  Liam whispers back just as the phone in Zayn’s pocket vibrates making him jump. He looks down at the caller I.D seeing Louis name flash across his phone. He wasn’t sure whether he should let out a sigh in relief or hold his breath in fear of Louis reaction. He is still deciding what to do when he presses answer.

“Louis!” Zayn breathed his voice alarmed.

“Whadaya want Z?” Louis words were slurred at the other end of the phone and Zayn’s stomach flip-flopped with nerves.

“Are you drunk?” Zayn used his ‘I’m disappointed in you’ tone of voice.

“Does it matter to you?” Louis words weren’t so slurred but they were still slow.

“Louis you _need_ to be serious, I’m at the hospital” On the other end Louis laughed.

“You’re always in hospital Z not biggie”

Zayn clenched his fists again and he could again feel Liam smoothing them out in his lap.

“It’s not me its Haz.” There was dead silence on the other end of the phone.

“Harry?” His voice was full of sudden pain like he had just been stabbed in the back with a knife.

“What’s wrong with Harry? Is he going to be okay? Did he- shit, shit, shit! This is my fault I need to get there. I’m going to get there.”

The sound of something crashing to the ground rang loud at the other end of the phone.  
“Shit! Fucking Shit! I’m coming I’m coming…” The other line went dead leaving Zayn sitting there wide-eyed.

“What happened?” Liam asks innocently Zayn just blinks still slightly shocked.

“He’s coming.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys thanks for reading like always, you guys are epic to stick with me for so long. The next chapter is going to be exciting ;) but I don't want to spoil it for you now would I?
> 
> Anyway on another note I am looking at doing a oneshot while I continue this story (of course) just to kind of change things up a little and I was looking for idea's/ prompts I will gift the work to whoever's idea I use so if there is are fan fic you really think should be written comment. It can be anything within the 1D fandom I don't really care the ship I am pretty flexible so go ahead tell me :D


	14. Swallows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis arrives at the hospital but he still isn't sure exactly what he is going to find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, Their songs too sweet and wild. So you let Them go, or When You open the cage to feed Them They somehow fly out past you. And the part of you que knows it was wrong to imprison Them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for Their departure.  
> \- Stephen King, Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption: A Story from Different Seasons

**September 30 th**

**5:15 AM**

Louis heart was rising as he burst through the doors of the hospital shaking off the gravel from falling several times in the proses to make it to his car. He was far to drunk to drive but did it anyway the thoughts of Harry intoxicating to his brain making his head spin in all kinds of directions not sure as to what was going on around him.

It was still quite dark as he drove and the shinning lights confused him his eyes blurring coming in and out of focus like a kaleidoscope here one minute gone the next. He was struggling to drive in a straight line his wheels skidding onto the walkway sending his car into an awkward tale spin. He had pulled over running the rest of the way. It was about ten blocks and in his state he slightly surprised that he didn’t pass out. He tripped over and over again his hands falling him time and time again as he fell face first onto the sidewalk.

Despite all this he somehow made it with little to show for it but some gravel stains and scrapped knees. Now in the hospital his mind was beginning to clear. _Harry_ , something had happened to Harry, something horrible. In the back of his mind he knew what it would be. The last time he saw the younger boy was when he had stormed out of his bedroom after seeing his scares. Louis couldn’t help it. As soon as he had heard he was the reason behind one, even just one of them was because of him but who knew there could be dozens for him. He could have been the reason behind Harry’s pain. How could he stay when he knew that? He just wanted for Harry to be happy and maybe he could be without Louis. Louis screwed everything up he knew that already. For some stupid reason he thought Harry might have been different. The younger boy seemed so happy, so carefree. Louis had thought that maybe Harry was the only thing he couldn’t screw up. Yet somehow he still managed to do that. It felt like a knife was twisting in his side every time he thought of Harry knowing that somehow Louis could have put him in here. Louis was running through twisted corridors aimlessly until suddenly his shoulder slammed into a hard object making him fly backwards falling backwards, his butt slightly cushioning the fall.

“Louis?” A familiar voice questioned and he looked up taking a deep breath in.

“Mum?”

His mother stood over him her arms folded crossly her hair tied up in a tight bun scowling down at him as if trying to look mad. It didn’t fool Louis though her eyes were filled with worry.

“Louis are you drunk? You reek of alcohol”

Louis quickly fumbled to his feet.

“Doesn’t really matter now. Mum where’s Harry? Zayn called and said he was here I…”

Louis was surprised when his voice suddenly became tight, a choking feeling overwhelming him.

“What? Harry’s here? He must have been the young boy who came in earlier. I’m not sure really somewhere in the emergency department but Louis we really need-”

“Thanks mum!”

Louis interrupts before darting past his mother and down another corridor. He was here a lot of the time after his dad left. His mother still had to work to support them so Louis would have to spend most of his days here until his mother remarried and then the girls came along. After then he tired to avoid the place as much as possible. He still somehow manages to find his way around. They have shifted a room here and there which throws him off a little but he still has a general idea and soon sees Zayn and Liam huddled closely together on cold mettle chars outside the emergency room. Louis heart sinks when he sees tears brimming under both boys’ eyes.

“Zayn! How’s Harry? Is he okay? I mean is he-”

Louis loses his train of thought halfway through speaking just from the way Zayn looks up at him his eyes both sad and killer. This seems to be a look that only Zayn can perfect. Though it isn’t the first time Louis has seen the look it is the first time he has seen this type of existent.

“How do you think he is?” The voice mimics the look.

“What happen?”

Louis is desperately looking for clues though the voices in he back of his head already knows, he wont even let himself think them, let alone say them out loud.

“Where were you Lou?”

Louis was scared. Zayn wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t swearing, he wasn’t even calling Louis a ridiculously stupid name. He was just looking at him with total disappointment, looking at him like he expected better. Zayn thought Louis was a better person than was he actually was that much was certain.

“I needed time to think”

“Think about what Lou? What could be so fucking important?”

There it was. The little raise of the voice and the use of one of the more vile curse words meant Louis was in for it. He didn’t care at this point he wanted to be screamed at. At least then he would get what he deserved. He wasn’t suspired that Harry hadn’t told Zayn why he left but it wasn’t his job to tell Zayn.  

“I had to think Zayn! Why does it matter now someone tell me what the hell happened?”

It was Liam who answered.

“He lost a lot of blood Lou… some of the medics are saying it was a suicide-”

“It was not a fucking suicide attempt! I know Harry he wouldn’t do that!” Zayn cuts in his voice raw.

Just like that Louis world shattered.

“A suicide attempt?”

He repeated the words as if they would give some greater meaning yet they didn’t, he just felt numb. It couldn’t be true none of it could be. Harry wasn’t that type of person. He wouldn’t throw his life away like that and if he did it would be Louis fault. It was all his fault just like it always was. Once again he had royally screwed up.

Louis began to crumble his feet buckling from underneath him tears springing to his eyes. Before Zayn or Liam could lend him a hand he straightened up grabbling hold of a spare hospital seat then in a fit of rage flipping it over and flinging it against the wall.

“Fuck!” Louis yelled giving it another kick.

“Fucking fuck!” He yelled again.

This time men in pale blue hospital uniforms came storming down the corridor. One grabbed Louis arm retching him back from where he had practically snapped the mettle chair in two, it lay in a dinted heap of scrap metal. The other man helped whip him around so that he and Louis were face to face.

“I’m sorry sir but if you don’t contain yourself I am going to have to ask you to leave.” The man was taller than Louis and bulky in build but Louis still level his shoulders making himself look taller his fight or flight reflexes kicking in.

“How about you go fuck yourself and come back when you’re done!” Louis comments.

The other man steps forward grabbing Louis roughly jerking him upward by his wrist, Louis kicked out landing a hard jolt to the mans stomach, he barley buckled.

“I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to come back when you cool down-”

Zayn is now by Louis side his own arm roughly gripping it and jerking it away from Louis. Liam suddenly materialized next to Zayn.

“Hey, can everyone just chill out for a moment? I’m sorry for the incontinence but as you can see my friend is very upset. We will keep everything under control.” Liam’s voice chimed in being the voice of reason.  

Everyone relaxed a little Zayn’s hands falling from the man’s wrist and the two hospital staff turning on their heels sharing scowls.

“We just wanted to inform you that your friend is being moved to ICU, he is critical yet stable. You won’t be able to see him until visiting hours”

Again Liam made an attempt to sugarcoat everything.

“Well at least there is some good news!” He smiled a little looking at both boys as the hospital staff disappeared into one of the doors.

“Lou” Zayn’s voice came again very soft his eyes’ brimming with tears again his hand now clamming down on Louis wrist. Louis sunk to his knees in the middle of the corridor Zayn slid down beside him and Louis began to quiver.

“Lou” Zayn whispered again.

“Don’t talk to me… just shut up for a minute, okay?”

Louis tries to breath but he can’t it is like someone has shoved raisers down his throat he is trying to forcefully swallow them. He quivered over and over again his body almost convulsing with silent sobs. Zayn moved grabbing Louis and pulling him close. Liam sank down to his knees as well wrapping his arms around the other two boys. They were all struggling to breath it was almost an impossible task, something so simple now seemed to hard. Harry was going to be okay that’s what Louis wanted to believe but he couldn’t convince himself of it.

“It’s my fault” Louis sobbed finally.

“I knew… I knew, he told me he… I knew” He kept repeating the words like a prayer. He let out violet rough sobs but Zayn pulled away a little making Liam’s grip on the boys tighten, his finger tips curling around Zayn’s shoulder.

“What do you mean?” Zayn whispers his voice taken its deadly soft tone.

“He… I… I found out he- he did _that_. I had to leave, he did this because I left after everything I just left”

Zayn’s jaw dropped and he pushed himself out of Liam’s grip. He seemed to finally understand why Liam was holding both boys so tight it wasn’t because he was just afraid for Louis. He had known that both boys were crumbling. Zayn stood now scowling down at his feet not looking Louis directly in the eyes.

“You left? After everything you and Harry have been through? After everything he has ever done for _you_? You just left?” Zayn’s voice bites like a knife.

“You don’t get it Zayn, what would you have done if you were in my situation?” Louis bites back as he stands up now too leaving only Liam to stand and brush himself off.

“I know exactly what I would do in that situation Louis because I’ve been there, I’ve known for weeks we were… we were making out in the art room and on think kind of just led to another and…” Zayn’s voice trailed off for a second.

“I didn’t leave him Louis. You did.”

Louis tensed feeling a stab of not only pain from Zayn’s bitter words but from jealously. He remembered a call from a thousand nights ago to Harry back when they called each other everyday, back when things weren’t good but they were better than they were now. It seemed impossible that things could be worse than they are right now. Harry’s voice echoed in his mind,

“Oh and did you know he somehow manage to get the keys for the art room?”

That had been the first day he left. All this time he and Zayn had been shagging. Zayn had known. Louis had always thought Zayn had noticed Louis little ‘crush’ on Harry despite Louis never letting himself act on it but Zayn knew and he still did it anyway.

“So what you are Harry are an item now?” Louis raised an eyebrow and Zayn opened his mouth to respond but Liam cut him off,

“You haven’t told him yet? I mean I just assumed after you two were making out at the party and then the morning after-”

“This isn’t really the time to talk about that Li” Zayn cuts him off.

“Oh no, Liam this is the perfect fucking time to talk about that do tell me more, was that before or after you shagged him for the first time?” Zayn just scoffs,

“I wasn’t his first Lou, that would be all yours. Do you know how fucked up he was after what you did to him? You treat people like there nothing Louis! You think that just because shit has happened to you that you don’t have to give a shit about anyone else around you! Can’t you see everyone around you is dying is one way or another? Everyone that has ever loved you is in constant pain but they try and keep it together so they don’t upset you in your own mother fucking perfect world because god forbid Louis have to deal with anymore fuck because he will just go and try to find another way to destroy himself! Louis Tomlinson, mister fucking perfect! Do you know all the things I’ve done for you Lou? I was still never aloud to sit at the same fucking lunch table as you because you were worried about your popularity! You had to totally destroy Harry just so you could prove to yourself you didn’t need him. You screwed over the one person who loved you more than anyone else on earth and you just don’t give a fuck do you?”

Zayn’s screams echoed through the hospital filling the hallways and bombarding Louis ears then there was just silence. Zayn was panting his eyes wide as if the words had poured out in a torrent and now he was left as a hallow shell. Liam was still in shock as well his eyes wide darting from Zayn to Louis. They had never really fought, not like this anyway. Louis didn’t know how to react he just shoved past Zayn glancing back over his shoulder for a second mumbling,

“I’m going to ICU you two fuckwits can do whatever you want just stay the hell away from me.”

**8:30 AM**

Louis had been sitting outside the ICU silently for what seemed like hours. When he had first arrived he had been a little shocked as to see Harry’s dad sitting outside the door. At first Louis hadn’t recognized him, he had only seen Harry’s dad a handful of time and each time it had only been for fleeting moments. This time Harry’s dad greeted him with a sad smile at first Louis wasn’t sure what to do but then as Harry’s dad- Des that was his name, patted the seat beside him.

“You’re Louis right?” He asked.

Louis was almost sure he was going to say, ‘you’re the one who had the overdose, right?’ But instead he smiles and adds,

“You’re the one Harry spent all summer with… He’s always talking about you, how’s uni going?”

“Ah, alright… yeah.” Louis shifts in his seat a little and Des becomes silent again.

For a while they just sit there in total silence counting down the minutes until they can finally see Harry. Des is lost in his own world just staring off into space when he adds,

“I never saw it coming you know? I can’t work out how to fix this. I thought coming back would be some magical quick fix, but it wasn’t that easy I just want that little boy back. The one I used to tell stories to every time he got sick and that’s all I needed to do to make him feel better.”

“You’re here now though… that’s got to count for something,” Louis whispers thinking of his own father the man who was almost a total stranger to him now.

“What stories did you tell him?” Louis asks his eyes not movie from the clock on the wall watching the minute hand slowly ticking.

“I used to tell him this story about swallows, that was his favorite. He always loved birds when he was younger.”

“Can you tell it to me?” Louis asks settling back in his seat.

Des is silent for a moment and then a small smile creeps onto his face.

“Not so long ago there was a little boy who found two baby swallows, they had fallen from there mothers nest but were to small to fly. The boy spends hours looking through the branches of trees trying to find the mother when he finally resided to the fact that he can’t find then he decided he took them home. He fed them and looked after the two birds, he kept them is a small cage he had found in his grandmother’s closet and spent time making it pretty and cozy. They grew quickly and before the boy knew it the birds were fully-grown. He loved the birds too much to let them free. He was worried that something would happen to them because he knew if he let them out all the creatures in the wild might take them. The two birds were different to all the other creatures in the world. They only knew each other and the boy. If he let them free the birds would be sad and scared. Little did the boy know the birds were already very sad, that is why in a way they looked so beautiful-”

“How could them being sad have anything to do with being beautiful?” Louis interrupts and Des lets out a laugh,

“Harry would ask that too, tell me Louis why is it that after a really harsh winter flowers seem to grow better the next season? Sometimes pain is beauty. The boys father could see the birds were sad and he decided to set them free, he opened the cage and they flew. The odd thing wasn’t that this was the first time they had ever flown in their life and it came so effortlessly. The odd thing was that the birds after all those years of only having each other didn’t fly apart the first chance they got, no they flew together into the sunset because despite the fact that they were a reminder of the sad time and of the times which they were imprisoned, they were also a reminder of the happy times, swallows mate for life. When the boy came home he asked his father what would happen if something happened to one of the swallows and not the other…” Des went silent for a moment and Louis met his eyes.

“What did that father say?”  
“He told his son that no matter what happened a mate for life was a mate for life, if something happened to one of the swallows they would always find a way to each other again,”  
“What if the swallows couldn’t follow each other, what then?”

“Love is a funny thing Louis. When someone is in love one doesn’t question if there _is_ a way because when someone is in love there is always a way.”

Louis was silent again for a long time just breathing his eyes filled with tears, if Harry died that was his fault. Louis couldn’t follow him He had already worked out that he would need to take twice as many pills as he had when he overdosed to do the job, it wouldn’t be a particularly painful way to die. If there was a life after death though Louis didn’t imagine he would end up in the same place as Harry would, they were doomed to be separate.

“You love him don’t you?”

Louis suddenly becomes still, knowing the way his own father had reacted to even the mere thought that Louis _might_ be gay but Harry’s father saw right through him, he knew.

“I like the way you look at him Louis. From what I’ve seen anyway and the way he talks about you is like he doesn’t see anyone else, it doesn’t bother me… you know that you are both… um, well you understand. I just think that he has always needed someone. I wasn’t always there and it seems like you were.”

“I do love him, but love is complicated.” Louis whispers.

“Love is only complicated when you are in a cage, sometimes you have to swallow your fears Louis… be brave.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay at the end of the last chapter I promised some Larry and I didn't quiet get to fit it in this chapter because I thought the whole Louis- Des bonding story thing was a little more important to do it longer and in depth to just kind of skirt over the issue. If you couldn't tell the story about the swallows is a metaphor and is also in reference to Harry tattoo (the Harry in this story doesn't have any tattoos as of yet so you will have to wait for them to be elaborated on later) anyway I hope you enjoyed :D comments and kudos are always greatly operated.   
> Also check out my Tumblr (yes I finally got a tumblr)   
> http://larry-is-infinite.tumblr.com/


	15. Serendipity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's in hospital but things have to get better, they can't get worse can they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is not a series of meaningless accidents. When things are bound to happen, They Will Surely. You are not an accident and I was Meant to know you. That's serendipity.- Unknown

**September 30 th**

**9:30 Am**

Des Styles walked out of Harry’s room giving a small sigh and shaking his head a little. Louis looked up from where he was sitting, he hadn’t moved since visiting hours had begun. He had remained stapled to the chair half numb half scared out of his mind. Harry was still asleep and Louis had insisted that Des go in first slightly terrified of what he would seen, at least now he might know what to expect. Louis looked up anxiously at Harry’s father. There were two defined trails of tears still flowing down his face, frown lines wrinkling his already aged face.

“How is he?” Louis whispers still not able to shake the look of total disarray from Des’ face.

“He… he’s okay- I think. I didn’t have the heart to wake him. He just looked so peaceful. You- you can go in now… just… don’t look at his wrists.” Louis raised an eyebrow as if to ask, why _?_

“Just trust me Louis you don’t want to see.”

Louis gives a small nod then stands giving Des one last look over. He scrubbed the tears from his own eyes that were still a bright red colour, swollen and puffy. Louis tentatively pushed the door open instantly seeing Harry. The younger lad had never looked smaller or more fragile. He was hooked up to several machines that let out the occasional beeping noise twisting wires and tubes covering his body. He was also attached to a drip inserted in his hand. Louis eyes quickly darted away remembering what Des said about his wrists.

Louis could understand why he hadn’t wanted to wake Harry up. He was still so pale. It didn’t seem right looking at him this way it would be cruel to wake him up when he seemed so peaceful. Louis had seen Harry sleeping several times, he knew how the younger boy had the habit of curling his large body into the tiniest ball he possibly could, bringing his knees to his chest and curling his head inward. Louis wasn’t sure what to do, he maneuvered his was to the other side of the room where someone (probably Des) had moved one of the chairs close to Harry bedside. Louis sat silently in it looking down at his friend, that word didn’t seem adequate for what Harry was. Harry was so much more than a friend. Harry was, just like Zayn had said, the person that seemed to love Louis most in the world. Louis felt cruel as to just refer to Harry as a friend because he loved him so much more than that. Every time Louis would admit to loving Harry, even when it was just to himself he could hear the words of his father bombarding his brain,

 _‘_ My son is _not_ a fag’

He would cringe away from that part of himself just like he always had yet now he also had another voice in his head fighting back, yelling, screaming, at him. It was another part of himself desperately clinging to a dream.

‘Louis be brave’

Louis would have to be brave. He would be brave for Harry if for no one else because he deserved that and more, he deserved everything that Louis could give and more.

Beside him he heard Harry murmur incoherently making Louis smile a little. He still talked in his sleep. That was comforting for Louis knowing that no matter how many things changed some had still stayed the same. Louis extended his hand ruffling Harry’s curls and feeling him curl into his reach making a small noise of pleasure. There was more incoherent mumbles only one word seeming to stand out to Louis.

“Lou”

He heard his own name whispered so quietly Louis thought he had imagined it until Harry said it again a little louder and his heart leaped a little. He scooted his chair closer reaching down in intertwine his hand with Harry’s.

“I’m here Haz” Louis whispered back.

He caught a glace of Harry’s wrist and took a sharp intake of breath. They were covered in gauze bandages but they had begun to bleed through and Louis could make out several of them. He counted at least seven clean sliced and deep on each arm. Louis used his other hand to stifle a sob and the younger boy began to stir giving another small groan his eyes fluttering open and shut quickly.

“You scared the hell out of me Haz”

Louis watches as Harry’s green eyes finally start to shine with awareness. He looks at Louis and then his eyes shift around the room taking everything in slowly. His eyes linger on the drip in his hand then trail across to where Louis hand in intertwined with his own he shivers a little biting down on his lip bringing some colour to his pale completion.

“Sorry” He whispers weekly his eyes still not meeting Louis.

“I’m the one who should be sorry Harry. I freaked and I ran like I always do and you deserved better. Harry I’m so, so fucking sorry”

Harry now looks up at Louis his green eyes still resembling that of a forest floor bright green with flecks of yellowish gold. He gives Louis a perplexed look for a second.

“You’re crying” Harry notices.

Louis quickly wipes away the stray tears that had begun to defiantly fall from his eyes.

“Of course I’m crying. I thought I was going to lose you Haz. So did Zayn and Liam they’re… well, Zayn and I got into a fight and-”

“You and Zayn don’t fight… not really.” Harry notes

“Yeah well he had a good reason to be pissed at me. So do you I guess. I could find him if you want… since you guys are-um well… you know”

Harry raised an eyebrow and sits himself upright giving a little gasp and looking down at his wrist then cringing and looking away.

“We are what?”

“Dating and all…”

Harry lets out a short raspy chuckle.

“We aren’t dating. We have just been telling Liam that to make him jealous.”

“But you two shagged in the art room” Louis argues.

“It was a misunderstanding and we didn’t _shag._ You are the only guy… the only person I’ve ever, done that with.”

Louis was silent for a moment he simply nodded a little his eyes darting downward biting down on his lip.

“I’m sorry,” He repeats

“You already say that”

“Yeah… well I have a lot of things to be sorry for. I’m sorry I’m such an arse. I’m sorry that I constantly seem to be leaving you when you need me. I’m sorry I’m so self-indulged and that I haven’t noticed that you were struggling and that I keep pushing you away because I really, really love you”

Harry’s fingertips suddenly clutched around Louis hand his eyes darting to Louis face. Louis still couldn’t look at him he was terrified. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud so point blankly he had shocked himself as the words tumbled from his mouth his eyes dart to the window trying to look away from Harry knowing that the younger lad wouldn’t want him. After all Louis had done to him he couldn’t blame Harry for not wanting him, in fact a small part of him wished Harry did hate him.

“I know you probably don’t feel the same and you probably hate me for all I’ve done to you… I mean if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t be here and you have been giving me all your love repeatedly and I keep pushing you away. You are the one person who loves me most in the world and I really believe that and I just want to give you everything I have but it’s not a lot, I screw up constantly and I fuck up things more times then I fix them-”

“Louis” Harry whispers an interruption.

“Can you just look at me?”

Louis drags his eyes from the window his eyes looking down at Harry who was looking up at him with wide eyes.

“You’re kind of breaking my hand” Harry notes and Louis looks down at his own hand clutching Harry’s so tightly it had turned a pale white. He loosens his grip slightly. Louis gave a little laugh.

“I love you Curly” Harry looks away from Louis and he feels his heart sink.

“You keep saying that” He whispers.

“Because it’s true. I know I’ve screwed up over and over and over again but I need you. You can’t just leave me now after all we’ve been through Harry. After all the shit I’ve dragged you through we deserve to have something better. Don’t you want that?”

Harry begins to shake a little tears falling from his jade green eyes. Louis wants to make it better but he doesn’t know how. Des was right, there was no quick fix for hurting Harry. He could still love you but loving and forgiving isn’t the same thing.

“I love you Louis. I love you so fucking much and I want to believe you but this isn’t the first time you’ve done something like this, you make me think you want me but then turn around an rub it in my face.”

“Then what can I do? What can I do to make you believe it? Do you want me to fucking shout it to the world because I will! Zayn knows, I’m pretty sure Liam does too and then Niall has always known anyway even your dad knows, who else do you want me to tell?”

Harry’s head suddenly snapped back his green eyes growing wide his mouth dropping open in a wide O shape.

“My dad knows? How the hell does my dad know? Jesus Louis my mum doesn’t even know!”

“I didn’t tell him he guessed! I swear I wouldn’t tell anyone without your permission. He told me the story about the swallows and-”

“He told you about that?” Harry gave a little laugh and covered his head with the hospital pillow giving a little cringe as the drip in his arm pulled tighter.

“My dad is officially the most embarrassing parent ever.”

“I thought it was cute.”

“Does he just know that I’m gay or…” Harry’s voice trailed off.

“I told him I loved you… it was complicated but I loved you.”

Harry gave another sigh resting his head back on the pillow letting his eyes droop shut for a moment breathing slowly in and out. He was silent for so long Louis wondered if he had fallen asleep.

“Louis do you remember when you woke up in hospital after your overdose? We promised that we were going to make things better, but there not better. I just want you to lay here with me for a little while and pretend that they are, okay?”

Louis eye shift to the machines he is hooked up to his eyes wondering here and there wondering how he could place himself around them without hurting Harry.  Louis was scared that he would pull something out or hurt Harry but Harry simple scooted over to the far side of the single bed placing himself against the side railing. Louis tentatively followed climbing over the railing and lying down beside Harry careful not to lie on the many small wires that kept him alive. He was also very careful not to touch Harry not matter how much he wanted to he would terrified by the blood soaking it’s way through his bandages.

“Take a picture Lou, it will last longer” Harry comments when he catches Louis staring. He tried to shift his glance to something else. He rests his head beside Harry’s on the pillow letting out a little yawn his eyes beginning to droop a little. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until that moment. He hadn’t let himself sleep since he left Harry’s house the night before. He had taken off not knowing where to go, as always he had ended up at a bar losing count of the drinks and the pills he took quickly slipping into a barley conscious state somewhere between alive and dead. Louis had always felt best this way high or numb it was just the perfect state of being he could avoid everything and just let go. It worked for a little while but it always left him drained. He felt like his body was led now just a dead weight nothing more. He felt his eyes begin to drift shut again nuzzling himself closer to Harry his eyes fluttering.

“You tired?” Harry whispers and Louis make a small hum.

“I haven’t slept since I left, guess it’s catching up on me.”

“You smell like the inside of a bar.”

“I had a lot to drink… I took some pills,”

Harry raises his eyebrow his head resting mean inches away from Louis face.

“Okay, I took a lot of pills”

Harry carful maneuvers his arm around Louis, cringing a bit as he brushes his red raw wrists again Louis back.

“You can’t do that Lou, not anymore. I just want us to be happy and I can’t be happy when you’re dead.”

“You can’t do this either Harry. I mean, I’ve never been in the position were I thought that… that I could lose someone I loved and if I had guessed who it would have been I never would have guess you. It’s terrifying. I felt so… hopeless” He let out another yawn.

“Well you didn’t lose me love so sleep, I’m going to be here when you wake up”

Harry’s voice is sure the force of truth put behind his words but he is still so pale and his breath still hitches every now and again when Louis back rubs against his bandages. He doesn’t want to fall asleep because if he woke up and Harry wasn’t there he didn’t want to wake up either. Louis sighs finally letting sleep cloud his mind holding on to Harry’s words, he would be fine he had to be fine.

“Promise?”

“Promise”

**3:15 pm**

“Well look what we have here.”

A voice shatters Louis dreams. He can’t recall quite what it was he was dreaming about, something to do with lying in a field under the night sky. He wasn’t sure really what it was about the sky that filled his head with peaceful thoughts there was just something that made him feel at ease, everything was so vast and he was so small. Waking up with Harry’s arms still around him felt like the best way anyone could wake up. He wanted to wake up like that always but things where always more complicated then that he just wanted to think that maybe one day it would be.

Harry’s curls are messy and ruffled like they are every morning. Messy and wild making him resemble one of the lost boys from Peter Pan. Louis reached out and trailed his fingers across Harry’s jawline totally distracted by this boy’s beauty. Harry’s eyes locked with his shimmering with an extraordinary glow to be rivaled by any star in the sky. Harry’s eyes always shone but today in particular they were more brilliant.  Harry’s eyes then left him moving to the door where Zayn stood awkwardly leaning against the doorframe.

“Has everyone kissed and made up then?” Zayn asks his voice struggling to keep cool and even.

Louis can hear from years of experience with Zayn that he is trying to hide his relief.

“Hurry up and get over here Malik or Harry will think you weren’t worried at all”

Zayn scoffed pushing off from the wall moving himself to the end of the bed and climbing in struggling to fit in the small bed. He was on the far side of the bed beside Harry and the railing just squeezing into the gap. Zayn ruffles Harry’s curls before plants a kiss of his cheek and wrapping his arms around holding the younger boy tightly and exhaling a long drawn out breath. He was being over affectionate even for Zayn’s standards. That was one of the many funny things about Zayn. To outsider he came across cold and bitter brushing of a person before he even got to know them but once you bothered to stick around long enough you would quickly learn that he was in fact probably one of the most affectionate people you would meet. He just kept the things he loves close to his heart that was the only way Louis could think to describe it.

“Don’t listen to that jack arse I was scared out of my mind for you and if you ever do it again I am going to tie your hands together and keep you locked in my basement so you physically can’t hurt yourself.”  
“Don’t temp him Hazza he’ll do it” Louis butts in laughing slightly.

“I’m sorry, for um… for scaring you… both of you” Harry adds sheepishly.

Louis curls himself around Harry now too hitching his leg beneath Harry’s brushing his lips against the nape of his neck. He could see Zayn bite his lip out of the corner of his eye right before asking,

“So what’s going on with you two? Are you dating now or what?”

Both boys look at each other for a long time Harry tilts his head to one side and looks away.  
“It’s complicated” Harry whispers sadly at the same time Louis adds,

“Yeah, yeah we are.”

Harry’s eyes meet his widening a bit a smile spreading widely across his face.

“We are?”

“Yep.” Harry laughs,

“Do I get a say in this?”

“No”

Zayn let out a grunt covering his face with the pillow.

“You two are discussing. I liked it better when you were secretly eye fucking each other.”

“We never did that!” Louis yells smacking Zayn over the side of the head, or attempting to anyway before Zayn’s hand quickly shoots up blocking him.

“Hey! I thought you are like… a lover not a fighter now Louis. You’ve got to settle down, change your ways and all that romantic crap.”

“What about you? I saw the way you and Liam were out there, it was gross Z so don’t pull that romantic crap on me”

“The isn’t anything going on with me and Liam!”

“Then why were you practically sitting in his lap when I came?”

Louis doubled over laughing planting his head into Harry chest shaking violently as Zayn’s jaw drop, he was left stuttering for an answer. Harry’s eyes moved between the two boys a small smile creeping onto his face. Louis could tell what Harry was thinking. It had been so long since the boys had just stat down and really been together just the three of them just like old times.

“You guys are going to have to explain to me what’s going on.” Harry decides and Zayn frowns.  
“There’s nothing to tell! Louis is being a totally bastard like usual… Any who I guess Lou and I better give Liam and Niall their turn I’m pretty sure they are listening outside the door”

There was shuffling from outside the door then a groaning noise the door fell open, Liam and Niall stood wide eyed.

“Bullshit! You were talking really loud that all!” Niall interjected in his thick Irish accent.

Both Zayn and Louis took at each other for a brief moment before creeping back out of Harry’s hospital bed, Louis planting a kiss on the younger boys cheek before leaving. He was almost surprised that everyone seemed to act so casually about it not even batting an eyelash as he did so. Zayn grabbed Louis by the arm steering him out the door.

“We need to talk Lou.” He whispers dragging him around the corner. Louis heart sinks, he thought things were finally good between the two of them. Maybe he was wrong. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet again thanks for reading :D We are getting to the tail end of this story but I hope you guys will enjoy the last few chapters as they come. It is going to take me a bit longer to update because I am back at school (Ehhh) and it's kind of hard to do this as well as the four assignment I've been given in the first week. (Yes my collage sucks.)


	16. Plenty of Fish in the Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn is trying to say sorry to Louis and then Liam is trying to say something totally different all together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Well, it seems to me that the best relationships - the ones that last - are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. You know, one day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flicked somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is... suddenly the only person you can ever imagine yourself with” - Gillian Anderson

**September 30 th**

**3:30Pm**

Zayn dragged Louis around many twisting corridors. Both boys knew this place too well, having been their more times than either of them could count. Finally Zayn ducked himself through one of the smaller doorways Louis followed shutting the door quietly behind him. Louis took a step back looking around the room. It was a storage closet many bottles lined the small shelves filled to the brim with pills and shots that could take him to another world. He could fell a twitch of yearning in the pit of his stomach. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind knowing that he would have to get better. He didn’t need them.

“Zayn… what exactly are we doing in here? I mean I would make a joke about you forcing me back into the closet but-”

“Shut up Lou, I’m trying to tell you something” Zayn’s voice was unreadable.

“What are you going to give me that ‘you break his heart I’ll break your neck’ thing? Because I already got that.”

Louis isn’t sure how to act around Zayn. He’s not sure whether he can joke with him anymore. Everything was pleasant for a moment but maybe Zayn had just done it for Harry’s sake. Zayn’s words had been so bitter and struck his heart hard thudding into his chest cavity. 

“Louis, I’m not even going to bother with that I am really glad and proud of what you did… and more than a little surprised but I don’t want to talk about Harry at the moment I just want to tell you how sorry I am.”

Louis smirked a little raising an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear that correctly you’re…. what?”

Zayn exhales deeply and shoots Louis a killer look.

“I said I’m sorry! You fucking moron.”

Louis smirked at Zayn a cocky grin stretching across his face.

“If you’re sorry why are you calling me a fucking moron? That doesn’t sound very sorry to me.”

Louis was milking it and he knew it but he had never heard Zayn apologies for anything in his life. This was like Christmas for Louis. It was also a rare event he knew could possibly never happen again so maybe he was taking advantage of the situation a little but when else would he get the opportunity?

“I am not going to say it again Louis that’s all your getting” Zayn shot back avoiding his eye contact making Louis laugh a little.

“Then I guess it’s my turn to say I’m sorry too. Look I know I can be an arse… no not can be, I know I _am_ an arse and intolerable ninety-five percent of the time and the other five percent I’m probably sleeping but you have always put up with me. I also know that most of my life I have treated you with a lot less respect than you deserve.”

Louis is trying to be heartfelt but despite this Zayn scoffs leaning against the doorway.

“Respect Lou, really? Big word you such a little guy” Louis jaw drops and he smacks Zayn hard on the arm.

“I am _not_ small and I’m trying to say sorry to you”

“Sorry huh?”

“Yeah”

“Lets face it Tommo, we don’t say sorry, It’s not who we are, sorry isn’t a part of our vocabulary. We just brush it off. That’s how we work”

Louis had to admit Zayn had a point, they were never the type to say sorry. They would drag each other through hell and back kicking and screaming the whole way and be back the next day to do it all over again. That was just how they worked and surprisingly it worked well all things considered. Zayn and Louis are best friend they just have to deal with what they throw at each other. Zayn liked to play games but then again so did Louis. They complimented each other. They were wrecks apart and together the only difference it that they had each other. It was almost impossible to separate them no matter what they put each other through. Louis couldn’t help but think about everything he had put Zayn through in the last few years.

After his parents split up Louis took out a lot of it on Zayn many night of getting drunk or high or smashing things just for the sake of feeling the high that came with destroying something beautiful. After Zayn’s uncle died he did the same to Louis and they kept coming back for more.

“Do you remember how after you went through that window at the bar I didn’t talk to you for weeks?” Louis asks out of the blue his eyes traces Zayn’s face watching a flicker of pain and embarrassment flash across his dark eyes.

“Yeah, I remember… I needed you Lou. I was scared. I woke up in the hospital and you weren’t there. I just _needed_ you.” 

Louis didn’t want to look at Zayn because he felt discussed in himself looking down at the floor and pushing his hair back out of his eyes.

“I left as soon as they told me you were going to be okay. It wasn’t because I was embarrassed to be seen with you or afraid what my parents would do if they found out, it was because I knew that it was my fault and I knew that you always get hurt with me. You were better off without me so I tried to stay away from you but then when you came back to school with all the tattoos and… you looked so different Z. I just wanted my friend. I wanted you so I was selfish again. If we weren’t friends you would be better off.”

Zayn’s hand gripped Louis shoulder pulling him in closer into a hug. They didn’t hug often ether but Louis relaxed into it, it was home.

“Next time you think I’d be better off without you, tell me. So I can tell you to stop being such a selfish wanker because you _are_ my best friend and without you I wouldn’t have anything worth being happy for. Remember that the next time you try and do something stupid though too… and don’t tell me there won’t be a next time because with people like us there is always a next time.”

Louis was about to open his mouth and protest but the doorknob turned both he and Zayn holding their breaths and freezing. God only knew what would happen if one of the staff caught them in a drug closet with Louis and Zayn’s history but they again they had been through worse.

They got lucky it wasn’t any of the hospital staff. It was in fact Liam walking in a little awkwardly looking at both the boys biting his lip. His eyes lingered on Zayn. Louis watched his eyes pull themselves up and down Zayn’s body and he felt like internally signing. He wished one of them would just make a move it was frustrating him. Louis gave a little sigh and stepped to one side and began walking forward pushing Liam aside and giving a smirk at the two boys.

“I’m going to go… um, eat or something. You kids have fun” Louis winked not to subtly shutting the door behind him and laughing to himself. He swore to god if that didn’t do it he would lock the two of them in there until something happened. He hesitated before turning to walk to the cafeteria wanting to stay but pushing himself forward. They would work things out. He assured himself because they needed to work things out. Everything was working out today so why stop with just him? Zayn deserved his own shot at happiness.

***

Zayn held his breath as Louis exited the room cursing him for his smart arse remark making the tension between the two boys very obvious. The room was thick with it. It also slightly reeked of sweat and medicine. Liam was just standing by the doorway looking at him his eye still and unmoving. He had changed from his work out cloths though Zayn couldn’t pinpoint the exact time in which he had striped from his sweat soaked cloths into his new powder blue tee shirt and lose fitting jeans. Most of the previous night was a blur of blood and rage and tears. He was almost embarrassed to look at Liam he just wanted cover his face and hide from Liam. He wished the boy I never seen him falling apart. He had never let anyone see him like that he felt venerable and he hated it. 

“Liam about last night…” Zayn begins not looking directing into his puppy dog eyes. He fumbles with the lighter in his pocket wishing he hadn’t smoked a whole pack last night because he was really itching for one right now.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this and-uh… cried like a stupid baby. I mean I acted like-”

“You acted human Zayn and don’t apologies for it.” Liam’s voice is soft and he takes a step closer. Zayn isn’t sure what’s going on. Liam is close, really close. If he extended his hand he would’ve been able to place it on Liam’s chest easily. He wanted to, his fingers now twitched for the soft touch of the boys flesh hard yet soft under his fingertips. It wasn’t the first time that he wanted to do this but it was the first time he had thought of acting upon it.

“I’ve been lying to you Li. I don’t deserve for you to feel sorry for me”

“I don’t feel sorry for you Zayn I- wait… what are you lying me about?”

Liam had interrupted himself when the realization hit him. Zayn knew that it was time to tell Liam that he and Harry weren’t together without telling him that he dated him just to make Liam jealous. Liam didn’t love him. Not in the way Zayn did that was pretty obvious.

“I… I’m not really dating Harry… I-uh”

Liam’s eyes became wide and he shifted from foot to foot moving a little closer so that they were almost touching. Liam and Zayn were about the same height his eyes two black storm clouds searching Liam’s fumbling for his words and coming up short.

“Okay.” Was Liam’s only reply.

That was all Zayn couldn’t work out why they were the only words that fell from his supple pale pink lips.

“That’s all your going to say? Okay?”

“I don’t care.” Liam was so quiet Zayn wasn’t sure he had even heard him.

“What do you mean you don’t-”

Liam moved quickly, so quickly that Zayn didn’t see it coming until his lips were slammed against Liam’s. Liam’s hands took Zayn as their hostage brushing there way up his back trailing their way up and down. At first Zayn was too shocked to move. Liam Payne was kissing him. Liam mother fucking Payne. Zayn gave a gasp then pushed himself against Liam with force slamming both of them against the door left slightly ajar smashing it shut with a thud. Zayn didn’t know where to touch first he wanted his hands to be everywhere in his hair, against his skin, wrapped into the hem of his shirt he just wanted to be one with Liam.

“Wholly fuck” Zayn moaned and Liam pulled back a little pursing his kiss swollen lips a moan escaping his lips. Those puppy dog brown eyes were not so innocent in that moment they were hungry.

“Do you know how long I have wanted to do that?” Liam gasps his voice shaky and uneven.

“Do you know how long I have wanted you to do that?” Zayn retorts breathless.

For a moment they both just stand they’re wide-eyed, lips trembling. Liam immediately looks down at his feel but Zayn suddenly feels strong, defiant and he wants to see those stupid brown eyes one more time. Zayn outstretches his arm grabbing Liam’s chin lightly tilting his head up making Liam look at him because- god if you looked up beauty in any form of a definition there is only one face that could truly capture it and that was Liam’s. He puckered his kiss-swollen lips his biceps tensing and Zayn look a sharp intake of breath.

“I understand if you don’t want me” Zayn whispers this not knowing what else to say.

This time Liam’s eyes flashed with alarm and he looked at Zayn again, really looked at him his eyes trailing up and down the contours of his face,

“I want you Z, I always have. I always will.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I thought you had Harry, it was cute.”

Zayn lets out a breath because cute wasn’t the word for it. It didn’t fit the circumstances of his and Harry’s so called ‘relationship’ it was more like two friends trying to deal with each other’s crappy situations.

“Yeah well you had Danielle and then you had Ni- Shit”

Zayn bit his lip knowing that of all the things he could have said he had just shoved his foot in his mouth and he couldn’t take it back. He was going to say that Liam had Niall but Liam didn’t know that. Again he was unfazed and this surprised Zayn again Liam seemed to be full of surprises.

“I know I have Niall Zayn but I want you more”

Zayn’s jaw dropped.

“What do you mean you knew? How long have you- that must have… but he seems fine-

“Since when did you actually care about Niall?”

“I like the little Irish lad I just… I can imagine what it is like to have your heart broken by someone like you.”

“I didn’t break his heart, he is my best friend.”

“Then what happened?”  
Liam gave a long drawn out sigh slid down the wall in the small closet. Zayn mimicked his actions preparing himself for a very long very overdue story.

**September 6 th 5:15 am **

Zayn had just begun to walk home and already Liam felt alone. He disappeared into the distance and all hope seemed to go with him. He had no idea where Niall would be or why for that matter his best friend had been acting so strangely around him for the past few weeks. Liam didn’t like it, things used to be easy but now they were just screwed up. Liam would understand if he could only work out was it was he actually did then maybe this would mess would finally start to make sense the only thing was that Niall wasn’t talking. Every time he would bring it up Niall would shake it off with a simple ‘I’m fine’ or a ‘nothings wrong’ but it was so evident that there was something very wrong with he friend and Liam just wanted everything to be better. He decided that Niall’s house would be a good place to start looking considering the Irish lad was probably to smashed to go anywhere else.

Liam called a taxi not sure at he would do once he found Niall. He spent the whole drive crammed into the back seat of a taxi the leather stained and smelling of something Liam didn’t even want to think about. He pressed his head against the glass and watched as the city sped past lights shuttering and fading into the darkness the tires of the car clipping the curb several times sending Liam on edge. He was beginning to wonder if he was better walking when the cab pulled up in front of Niall house. The lights were on, which was always a good sign considering Niall’s parents never stayed up past ten.

Liam handed a wad of money to the driver and exited making his way up the narrow path to the front door. It was cold that night and Liam found himself pulling his jacket close to his body remembering the way that Zayn had held it over his own body much narrower that Liam’s it had almost slipped past the boys shoulders and this made him almost laugh thinking of it. Zayn was an odd though that spun around in Liam’s head almost constantly he began to wonder why he wasn’t sadder. The fact was that before he had left with Zayn to find Niall Danielle had given him two options to stay at the party with her and keep being together as a couple, nothing would change. The other option was one Liam had taken without hesitation and maybe he should feel guilty but he just didn’t, he couldn’t. She had told him that if he left she wouldn’t be there when he came back. She had the nerve to think that he would abandon his friend when he needed him and that wasn’t something Liam even wanted to think about. He gave a long sigh and wrapped on Niall door pushing those thoughts aside for a later time. It took a little while for the door to swing open a slightly irritated Niall slumped against the doorframe Liam was unimpressed to say the least but he held it back as Niall let out a loud sigh followed by a barley audible string of words,

“What do you what Li?”

“I wanted to know that you were okay I was worried about you! You just left. Zayn and I were looking all over for you and-” Niall scoffed a little cutting Liam off.

“Oh you and Zayn… together forever, best mates and all. Isn’t that just quaint?”

Liam wasn’t sure how to respond he watched and Niall’s muscles tense his blue eyes blood shot and irritable. His snide remark hit Liam hard because Niall was never that type of person to talk to anyone like that let alone Liam. In all the time they had know each other Niall had never said a bad word about him something was defiantly up.

“What are you talking about Ni?” Again the boy laughed.

“I’m talking about how you two are oh so obviously head over heels in love.”

Liam didn’t even know how to react. A gasp didn’t seem cover what his heart felt he felt like he had just been slapped and dropped into an ice bath all at once. What the hell was Niall talking about? Liam and Zayn were friends just like he and Niall were nothing more.

“Niall, Zayn and I… we’re friends just like you and I.” Niall cringed biting down on his lip and shaking his head so his blond fell over his eyes.

“Don’t say that Liam, that’s the worst thing to say”

“What do you want me to say Niall? I’ve been trying to work it out because whatever I do these days seems to be wrong. You are my best friend just tell me what’s wrong!”

“That!” Niall screamed back in Liam’s face and for a second Liam was worried that Niall would slam the door in his face.   
“I don’t want to be your best friend Liam! I… I- Oh fuck it”

Niall grabs Liam pulling him in to the warmth of the house with one hand slamming the door behind him with the other. Niall was rough and reeked of alcohol. He crushed his lips against Liam’s roughly urging him to kiss back Liam stood wide eyed as Niall pushed away. Liam wasn’t sure how to react because how the hell what someone supposed to react to that? He just stood there feet firmly frozen onto the shag carpet his eyes widen, mouth twitch all the words in his head leaving him. Niall on the other hand seemed quite smitten the sides of his mouth quirking up a little.

“You didn’t feel anything did you?” He asks, Liam was still shock but more confused now because of the tone Niall had used, it wasn’t sad or disappointed though it was more than a little smug.

“I-“ Liam doesn’t know what to say it wasn’t just the fact that Niall was the first guy he had ever kissed. It was the fact that it didn’t _feel_ any different it wasn’t different to the time he had kissed Danielle it just felt like a kiss, no spark nothing. He loved Niall just not in the type of way Niall wanted him too.

“The fact is Li I used to care about that. I used to want you so much it hurt. I don’t even know when it happened, when it all started one day we were friends and the next I just kind of wanted to get in your pant… I don’t know what other way to put it.”

“What do you care about now?” Liam asks his voice becoming hoarse.

“I don’t know anymore Li. I just know that you don’t love me, it’s not your fault or mine it’s just a fact I might as well get over it. The fact is you love someone else and I think I might finally just be okay with that.”

Liam was so confused it was almost humorous his eyes widening and shrinking as he bit down onto his lip trying to find the right words to say.

“You’re my best friend Niall. You always have been, always will be.”

“And you’re mine, I guess I’m starting to get that now.”

“If I said there were plenty of fish in the sea-” Liam begun but was shortly interrupted by Niall’s laugh,

“I would punch you.”

Little did Niall know there were. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoy it :D


	17. Broken things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is getting their happy ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what Connects us - that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect. "  
> \- Emilio Estevez

**September 30 th**

**4:00pm**

Zayn listened to Liam’s story nodding every now and again he was still a bit lost as to why Niall had been in such as good mood. From what Liam had told him it seemed like he should be totally shattered the poor lad had just had his heart ripped out Zayn was almost to distracted by the fact that Liam had said to Niall that he didn’t love him to recognize the fact that Liam had turned down Niall for him.

“What else happened?”

Zayn asked knowing that the story couldn’t end there. He had to squint to see Liam’s face through the darkness his puppy dog eyes widening then shanking as he let out a laugh.

“Believe it or not I kind of set him up”

Zayn straightened sitting up quickly his jaw dropping and a smile spreading across his face knowing that Liam wasn’t the type of person to break someone heart and have no condolences.

“With who?”

“Josh”

Zayn scoffs bitterly. Josh, Josh was one of Liam’s boxing buddies. He was from the private school across the highway but came often to spar with Liam. Zayn wasn’t sure what the guy was like other than the fact that he was connected with Liam and could play the drums like a maniac he learnt this from when their band came to play at the school dance not that Zayn had gone to the dance but people had the habit of talking. He had smoothed down brown hair slightly similar to the way Louis used to wear it and a broad build similar to Liam’s.

“And then what?” Zayn asks scooting closer.

“Jesus Z, you gossip like a teenaged girl.”

“I do not!”

“Then hit it off, that’s it.”

“Are you sure Liam? I mean I can’t imagine it.”

As a mater of fact Zayn had never imagined Niall with a guy it just didn’t seem like his thing. Yet for as long as Zayn had known him he was making heart eyes at Liam. Thinking of Niall with anyone else seemed odd. Zayn tried to picture it the two boys leaning in close to each other talking in hushed voices glancing each other up and down, eyes lingering on each others lips- no that wasn’t a pleasant though for Zayn. He shook it off returning back to reality catching Liam staring in awe despite himself as if he couldn’t believe the simple fact of the images of reality. They were together crammed close knees knocking against each other and despite the cramped room and horrible hospital smell neither of them seemed to mind.

“Well I’ve been trying to forget it personally” Liam adds a lopsided smile spreading across his lips. Zayn tilts his head wondering what exactly Liam was implying.

“I kind of walked in on them having a… um… a very intimate moment in the locker room after practice.”

Zayn found himself bursting out laughing not able to hold it back. Liam was still too innocent to admit the fact that he had walked in on his best friend and his boxing mate having sex in the lock room.

“Jesus Liam!” He spluttered clutching his stomach holding in a fit of laughter.

He doubled over his forehead finding itself pressed against Liam’s who just smirked leaning in a little closer ghosting his lips across Zayn’s pulling back for a moment whispering,  
“Hey Zayn,” Zayn took a sharp intake of breath.

“Yeah?”

“I think I kind of love you”

“Hey Liam…” Liam hesitated in replying.

“Yeah?”

“I think I love you too”

***

 

Harry sat in his hospital bed propped up by one of the chunky pillows the hospital supplied. He kept scooting from side to side trying to find a comfortable position as Niall began to spin his tale of how he had finally gotten over Liam. Harry was glad that Niall wasn’t brining up the fact that he was in hospital or what had happened in the follow up too it. Niall talked with a glint in his eyes chewing on a crisp from the vending machine outside. It was almost as if it was just another day at boxing practice.  Harry smiled at Niall as he spoke wondering why he hadn’t told him earlier but then again all the boys had been wrapped up in their own bubble lately, Harry felt good just talking to someone again.

“So you like Josh… I mean you have got over Liam and stuff?” Harry asks as

Niall passes him a crisp. Harry’s stomach flops with joy glad to finally be eating something. He can’t remember how long it was been since he ate, a day at least and his stomach was starting to feel it. Niall gave a little laugh as if knowing how hungry Harry was and handed him the rest of the half eaten packed biting his lip giving a funny of set goofy grin which Harry had never seen the likes of on Niall’s face.

“I don’t like him Haz I love him. I know you of all people know what I mean”

Niall wasn’t the type of guy to talk openly of love but is seemed to roll of his tongue and leak from every pour of his body. Harry wondered if he seemed like that too. He though instantly of Louis how finally it seemed like things were starting to work out. It seemed as if for once in his life things might actually be okay.

“Yeah, I know what you mean”

Harry smiles down not wanting Niall to see his cheeks flush red. Niall gives Harry a little slap on his leg playfully before laying down beside him smiling up at the white wash roof.

“It’s kind of beautiful being in love.  I mean it’s like someone has been kicking your insides while another person is whispering in your ear trying to send you crazy and you just kind of feel like your high constantly because when your with that person or even thinking about them there are all these butterflies and fireworks it’s like the limbo between sanity and madness.”

Harry had forgotten how profound Niall could be. He was brought back to the first day he met Zayn and all he could do was quote ‘that blonde guy from advanced English’ lately all of his profane words had been sucked out of his because he was struggling with his own inner demons yet now it was like he was finally getting back to normal. Harry on the other hand wasn’t as good with words as Niall he was simple.

“Love is the breath you take while drowning it’s a reflex you can’t stop it. It’s scary and it’s peaceful,” Harry whispered quietly shifting a little to look at Niall.

“I love him.” He whispered softly and Niall nods.

“I know you do… its kind of obvious. He loves you too even if he hasn’t said those exact words I know that he loves you a lot.”

Harry just nods then as the door swings open and Niall sits up as Louis lingers in the doorway. Giving a small smile at both boys.

“Hey Ni, long time no see” He comments never taking his eyes off of Harry.

“You’ve been busy with other stuff” He looks to Harry and smiles swinging himself out of the bed and making his way to Louis,

“I understand though I am surprised that you still remember my name”

Niall gives a little laugh and pats Louis on the back looking at him blue skies meeting ocean blue.

“I’m going to leave you two alone considering I have a terrible phobia of being third wheeled… we that and Harry stole my crisps.”

Niall shuts the door quietly on the way out and for a second both Harry and Louis can do nothing but stay frozen eyes searching each other before Louis makes a move slowly crossing the room and climbing into bed with Harry letting out a sigh as their bodies make contact a spark shooting through their flesh an electric exchange of body heat making them both relax into it almost immediately.  

“What did Zayn want?” Harry asks casually.

Louis moves to position his head in the crook of Harry neck letting out a long sigh glad that he can finally do it he can just lie down with Harry it is like he is breathing for the first time in a long time. Harry on the other hand would describe it as coming home after years of being away.

“Nothing important” Louis whispers the ghost of a smile finding it’s way onto his face.

“What were you and Niall talking about?” It is Harry’s turn to smile.

“Nothing.”

For a long moment they both just lay there in silence as if in awe of the fact that they were there, that it was really happening and they were just too shutter shocked to do anything about it. It was a comfortable silence the kind that just soothed everyone in it. There wasn’t any need to speak when then could hear their hearts beating fast in sync next to each other.

“I’ve been thinking lately…” Louis whispered against Harry neck.

“I’ve been thinking that broken things are always attract other broken things, I think I get why” He was using his far away voice the kind he got when he stared at the stars but this time he was staring into Harry’s stormy green eyes.

“Why?” Harry asks.

“They fix each other… I think your fixing me”

He trails his kisses along Harry’s jawbone stopping only when Harry opened his mouth to speak. It came out as a barley audible whisper but Louis heard it never the less, he heard it loud and clear.

“I love you”

Three simple words, three words that Louis hasn’t heard it so long it was almost jarring to hear them spoken aloud and directed to him. He just closed his eyes for a moment taking a deep intake of breath, short and sharp with it breathing in Harrys sent amongst the much less pleasant smells that wafted in the hospital air.

“I love you too”

It caused Harry to stiffen a little looking down at Louis wide eyed because he had never thought he would hear those words fall from Louis lips not now not ever. Yet he swore he had heard it, it wasn’t his ears or the painkillers he had heard it loud and clear. Louis loved him he loved Louis. It wasn’t that simple but then again things never were but in that moment it felt like it. It felt like everything was simple. There was no need for masks or hazes, painkillers or raisers there was just two souls bare and exposed for the other it was like after three words they had been set free.  Harry just let himself relax into Louis feeling lighter all of a sudden.  It was like things were finally getting better.

“What do you do now Lou? What’s going to happen with us now with you there and me here?” Louis leans over and smiled a little.

“I’m staying here. Until you graduate then I’m going to go back”

Harry sits up looking him up and down trying to see if the older boy is joking the older boys face is entirely composed, he isn’t joking.

“You’re- what?” Harry interrupted himself his train of thought derailing as Louis words began to set into his mind, his heart thudded so quickly it felt as if it were going to jump out of his chest.

“What about your football scholarship?”

Louis gives one of his genuine smiles the kind that could make anyone smile with him. It was the kind that light up his face and reflected in his eyes sitting up so he could be fact to face with Harry.

“I always really hated the football team. It’s just fun for me I never wanted to study with it. I was thinking about doing a theater course or something”

“Th-theatre?” His eyes go wide because Louis had done nothing but try and hid the fact that he was in the drama classes or that he was in almost every school musical there was yet now he was going to do theatre, professionally. It was a really big step forward for him and Harry could do nothing but sit looking like a deer caught in the headlights. Louis looks down at his fingers.

“That’s if you want to be with me.” Louis adds.

At this Harry leaps forward his heart pounding faster kissing Louis head on their lips crushing together as he winds his arm around Louis’ smaller body crushing him against the bed railing.

“I want you,” He says with conviction.

“I want you, I want you, I want you.”

Harry can feel Louis laugh against his lips and nuzzled his head into the crook of Louis neck. When they both pulled back there was a moment seeming to last for an eternity where they just both sat looking awestruck at each other not able to believe that they were really there. Louis hands trailed to Harry’s wrists and sighed.

“You can’t do this anymore” He says sternly.

“I told you, it’s not that easy.”

“Then I’ll help you, it’s just you and me Haz. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize.”

“Louis?” Harry says after a moment. Louis looks up at him and nods for Harry to continue.

“I think you’re fixing me too” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we have come to the end of our journey, I hope you guys have enjoyed the ride. I love you all.


End file.
